Painful Beauty

There is something about the uninterrupted beauty of nature that can transform a person's mental state from stagnant and stuck to liberated.

This was my weekend a few back:

Whatever hold the vog of Honolulu had placed on my mental state was lifted as I returned to the magical island of Kauai. As if staying in a jungle bungalow weren't enough bliss, I hiked bamboo forest trails through Noni and Guava trees, and slipped into the rippling waters of Rainbow Falls. I lazily walked along ocean's edge and saw a whale breach on the horizon. I drew spring water from boulders. Our truck was delayed by a wild boar and her piglets. Wild roosters strutted in the ditches. As the sun set, a surfer movie showed in the cozy city of Hanalei as local artists displayed their handiwork. That night, I gazed at a meteor shower for hours on the rooftop. For a few days, I lost myself in the simplicity of country-island life, of worry-free days and silent nights. Beaching, hiking, simple meals, quiet evenings under starlit skies with ocean breeze and mountain air...

As I lay there on the roof watching mother nature's fabulous show, I wondered how I had gotten there in awe. How had I changed my fortune so drastically? What sacrifices had I made to get to this point? Was I lucky, or simply brave?

Call it what you will. It has been a fabulous journey. I'm enjoying it. I enjoy the change, the view, the adventures. I enjoy the excitement of new places, new experiences. Yet within me, I am very lonely. I am very much single. I have no partner in crime with whom to share my life. I have no one to come home to, no one to tell me how fabulous I am. At the end of the day, regardless of how many friends I've made and adventures I've had, I am still single. I am still very much alone in this.

Back in the city and the daily grind of Honolulu, I'm frustrated by my singledom and pissed that I am still silently suffering through holidays alone. It's a sad reality. I want a man that travels but yet wants a woman by his side. Close to impossible, methinks. It's like a catch-22. What I saw as a normal trait to explore turns out to be the trait men who shy away from commitment hold strongly. I consistently meet men who like to travel, and are anti-committal. It's true. I'm attracted to a faulty character flaw. Life just gets harder and lonelier. One of my last unmarried friends was proposed to over the weekend. I'm sooo happy for her, yet the knife drives deeper. Where is my man? I am either too picky, or chasing rainbows...

(Sidenote: Apparently, I'm not doing very well at patience and graceful independence. Sigh. Gotta work on that. I'm not going to complain about this last subject for a loooong time. It sounds whiny and miserable... but because I've been dwelling on it so much lately, I feel obligated to include this last paragraph. I promise to work on my optimism. I'm fabulous. Right? hahaha)

I have been reading a lot of books lately, partially to distract myself from my neuroses, and partially to make up for all of the misguidance of my English teachers throughout the years. I haven't read the classics, people... I've been cheated. I've spent thousands of dollars for a few pieces of fancy paper, including an English degree(!), and until now, I've never read Hemingway, Faulkner, Fitzgerald, Camus, Coetzee, Joyce, Conrad.. barely any 20th/21st century literature. Wtf?! Luckily, I have a great literary friend/genius who is filling the void. I do regular assigned readings and then present a synopsis, and we discuss my impressions. It's fantastic. It's like a private book club minus the meetings and distractions. I am so into it! Man, and I'm getting skooled! I don't know shit!! Hahaha! I can't believe I neglected my literary side for so long. It's a shame, really.

Fiction is great.

Just better steer clear of the love stories for a while.