My life for the past few years has been much like a washing machine on the "Industrial" setting. I have cleansed and purged repeatedly, with new mud surfacing shortly after I thought I removed all my stains. It is the cycle of life, a cataclysmic stormfront of shifting winds and unpredictable weather. I am proud to say I'm surviving, but sometimes I lie awake late at night listening to my heart beat, surprised it still is. Everyone has trials in their existence-I just chose a hard path. I love the adventure of risk, the change of scenery, the new friendships forged, the feeling of accomplishment when the gears of daily life start turning smoothly. I also hate the disappointment of squeaky dysfunction when I am barraged with bad events... like a motorcycle accident, a lost job, tire bursting, a month-delayed paycheck. This life of adventure is hard work. I wouldn't prefer a simple life free of stress, as that would involve no change and no adventure... but a little less misfortune would be fabulous.
In a brief synopsis of 2010: I started the year on bedrest in a miserable state after a motorcycle collision, lost my job because of it, recovered fully, worked multiple jobs, renewed my vows to roller derby after near-retirement, guest-coached in Australia, and am now leaving Kauai back to Oahu in order to try a new set of calculated risks.
I have endured pain, uncertainty, forced poverty, and hard luck. I have lived off of food stamps and government insurance coverage, scraping together hours between nonprofits for good causes and vacation rental cleaning gigs. I have swallowed my pride to do whatever it took to make my desires reality, hawking home baked cookies to strangers out of a Walmart bag in order to fund my derby dream of Rollercon.
I silently worked on my patience and compassion as I partnered up with an elderly co-worker who feared projects not involving kit instructions. Life is not just my challenge, but the challenges of others, as well. My journey helps others in their journeys. Hopefully what I have contributed to the derby league on this island will set a stronger foundation for a lasting league, one fed continuously through concentration on new recruitment and skills testing to decrease injuries. All one can do is hope that their contributions are good ones, welcomed and loved for their intention and their positivity. I hope that I wasn't seen as a negative curmudgeon by all of the people I came across on Kauai, but the feeling persists due to how my year started. One of the hardest lessons in life is to attempt positivity in the face of adversity, choosing to live fully and through doing instead of shrinking back in fear and discouragement. It was a tough run. This island is beautiful and rugged, and awfully hard to find work on.
I also took on an unpaid mural project for a friend of a friend to prove to myself that I still had some sort of artistic blood within me that hasn't shriveled up from the crafting projects of my day job (I am just now finishing it). The mural started slowly and I did plenty of procrastinating, but I believe I will be proud of it in the end... which to me is a big deal. It isn't just a school logo anymore... it's my own design and proof that I still have tools in my toolbox. It is my art therapy.
Oscar the dog will be neatly packed once more into a crate for our next Oahu adventure. I will take my calculated risk as a Legislative Aide for a wonderful senator. I am moving in with my boyfriend. I am riddled with nerves and insecurities, but the only way to know whether it will work is to try. We all have our problems and our demons, and so it goes. I will make the move and rely on my positive (yet cautious) attitude, believing that this is the journey that I am meant to explore. Life is one big adventure, and I continue to leap into the darkness with joy.
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