Derby, My Internal Clock, and Sacrifice

Yesterday was my 35th Birthday. You know what that means, boys and girls! That's right... sexual peak. Which consequently means that my biological clock is working over time to remind me that my eggs are shriveling up and rattling around in my barren uterus.

Pleasant, I know. That's how my confused, post-modern, career-oriented brain feels. I feel overly saturated with multiple agendas and a conflicted identity. I am a walking contradiction.
I was designed to breed... but too keen on traveling, sleeping, pursuing dreams that don't involve diapers, and involved with a man that isn't too thrilled about the sacrifices makes for a pretty solid argument against child-rearing. But there is this clock. And it is a very nagging internal voice that tells me I will regret this decision when I hit menopause. Oh Em Gee. What's a girl in the year 2012 to do?

For one, said girl will continue with her re-entry into roller derby post-injury to burn off some of her frustrations. Except derby in itself is a giant hairball of incessant drama and catty confrontations. So that doesn't really ease my burden... it adds to it. I started working on a big painting... and that is therapeutic, but I'm nervous that little babies will start working themselves out through the canvas to expose my delicate psyche battle...

So far, no babies. But it's interesting how things have changed within me in the past 5 years. I was pretty set against kids at 30. Prior to that, I was sure I'd consider abortion if there was an accident.
Now, my man likes to make fun of me at the height of ovulation by pointing out my estrogen peak and then mentioning all of the local Chinatown bars filled to the brim with deadbeat men who will gladly knock me up for free.

Yeah... I'll get right on that...

So, human programming and the need to procreate in order for the species to survive has a grip on my good judgement at the moment. What about all of those women out there who don't have the ability to conceive? What about those who lose their kids to bad accidents and miscarriages? Am I more selfish for choosing to have one, or incredibly selfish for NOT having one? This is a complex situation.

If I got pregnant this month, I would:

• Not be able to travel to foreign countries on my bucket list with any ease, if at all
• Say goodbye to sleeping in for the next 10 years, if not longer
• Have to quit derby for at least a year
• Would have very little support from family (they live very far away)
• Would have some hard sacrifices to make in order to afford my rent/bills
• Would have no guarantees that I wouldn't be a single-mom 

These are serious sacrifices. So those baby-mommas out there need to weigh in on this junk. I'm not even saying I have the option of this biz going down... but I really need someone to validate my anxiety over this clock situation. Someone needs to tell me it's all gonna be okay, because my poor brain is freaking out. What if I make the wrong decision? What Would Buddha Do?
I don't have that much longer to make this choice. Thirty-five is no spring chicken. It's late summer chicken.

Other than that burning question, life is beautiful;

Last night for my big birthday, my man took me to Ruth's Chris for the most expensive steak I've ever eaten (my steak alone was $50, and that's all he told me).

Today I was approved for hire "officially," so I think I sign the last document tomorrow... meaning I will FINALLY have stable income, benefits, a 401k, 3 weeks vacation a year, and sick leave. Working my dream job.

My life is fucking fantastic right now.

I just don't think I was grateful for what I had when I had it; when I was laid off in 2007 and lost my full-time job with benefits, I began a journey of soul-searching. I developed appreciation for all I had lost. I needed until now to realize how important it is to my health and lifestyle to have stable income and all of those benefits, that they allow me a standard of living that is coveted and privileged. Stability is important to me now. I don't know that I thought it was important in 2006.

But just to reiterate yet again... Hawaii is hard. It took a lot of suffering to make it to this point! I need to constantly remind myself to be grateful for what I have, instead of worrying about what I don't have.

All we have is now. That's it! Just now.