I might've felt sick and had a small panic attack at the mall in front of one of those hair-straightening kiosks run by Russians yesterday while I was waiting for my plenty of fish bachelor to show for our scheduled first date. And I cried. Full on tears. Then the Russians straightened my locks and tried to sell me $650 human hair extensions to feel better.
I was afraid of the "date," but not necessarily because of who this person was that I would meet for the first time; I was afraid of having to move on. Fearful of moving forward and to having to actively seek out a fulfilling partner that meets my needs. It feels inherently selfish and uncomfortable. I don't like thinking about what I need. I am used to thinking only about what other people need, so anything having to do with making myself happy is challenging. It is hard to let go of what is familiar and comfortable even when it damages me in the long run. Change is hard. Meeting new people is hard. This whole ordeal is so hard, I just want to give up.
And I have. Over and over again, and I've run back to the guy who will accept me and all of my giving ways because his world revolves around him and his needs, and I do a damn fine job of fulfilling those for him. But it's not enough for me anymore, and it's not fair to me, and everyone else who knows me tells me so. Do you think that changes my desire to run back to him? Nope. Not at all. It just makes me withhold information, isolate my private life from all of my family and friends, and take the regular emotional abuse as a side affect for his domineering behavior that allows me to not concentrate on myself. I am aware it has to stop and that it is severely damaging my self-esteem and my future by staying with him, so it would be fantastic if people stopped telling me how bad he is for me. Let me instead concentrate on the bigger issue at hand, which is why I have so much self-loathing going on that I would rather avoid my own needs altogether. That's fucked up.
Certain things happen in life that make us have a skewed perception of reality and our purpose. This is the effect of environmental factors and human interactions, and it is what makes us all have unique perspectives and experiences. Although I had plenty of great things shape who I am today (and an extremely loving, supportive family), I had several events happen at a young age that taught me I wasn't good enough, I wasn't pretty enough, and there was something wrong with my body. Guess what? No matter how many times someone tells me that isn't true, that I am smart and beautiful and perfect the way I am, IT DOES NOT CHANGE MY CORE BELIEFS. Those are instilled like computer hardware. I am working on it. It is taking a lot of time to get through. This is why psychologists have jobs.
I look at the simple fact I was able to break the pattern of this recent 5 year cycle for long enough to go on one date with a new man as a small victory. Don't pity me or feel bad that it didn't end up being a perfect match... instead, be happy for me that I went on the date and recognized that he wasn't a good fit for me. I have a telling history of falling hard and blindly for the first man who shows strong interest in me upon being recently single, so it is truly a beautiful thing to see the pouring in of text messages from this one guy, from our one date, totally wanting to hook up, and to know that it is not going to be a good fit for me. To know, with confidence, that our goals do not line up and there is no need to draw this out over another 5 years. I am proud of myself today for recognizing that.
Maybe with each failed attempt at dating I will learn more about how much I have to offer, and how important it is to respect myself. Last night I wore bright lipstick because I'm a grown-ass lady, and today is a good day, despite my migraine. Don't cry for me, Argentina.
I was afraid of the "date," but not necessarily because of who this person was that I would meet for the first time; I was afraid of having to move on. Fearful of moving forward and to having to actively seek out a fulfilling partner that meets my needs. It feels inherently selfish and uncomfortable. I don't like thinking about what I need. I am used to thinking only about what other people need, so anything having to do with making myself happy is challenging. It is hard to let go of what is familiar and comfortable even when it damages me in the long run. Change is hard. Meeting new people is hard. This whole ordeal is so hard, I just want to give up.
And I have. Over and over again, and I've run back to the guy who will accept me and all of my giving ways because his world revolves around him and his needs, and I do a damn fine job of fulfilling those for him. But it's not enough for me anymore, and it's not fair to me, and everyone else who knows me tells me so. Do you think that changes my desire to run back to him? Nope. Not at all. It just makes me withhold information, isolate my private life from all of my family and friends, and take the regular emotional abuse as a side affect for his domineering behavior that allows me to not concentrate on myself. I am aware it has to stop and that it is severely damaging my self-esteem and my future by staying with him, so it would be fantastic if people stopped telling me how bad he is for me. Let me instead concentrate on the bigger issue at hand, which is why I have so much self-loathing going on that I would rather avoid my own needs altogether. That's fucked up.
Certain things happen in life that make us have a skewed perception of reality and our purpose. This is the effect of environmental factors and human interactions, and it is what makes us all have unique perspectives and experiences. Although I had plenty of great things shape who I am today (and an extremely loving, supportive family), I had several events happen at a young age that taught me I wasn't good enough, I wasn't pretty enough, and there was something wrong with my body. Guess what? No matter how many times someone tells me that isn't true, that I am smart and beautiful and perfect the way I am, IT DOES NOT CHANGE MY CORE BELIEFS. Those are instilled like computer hardware. I am working on it. It is taking a lot of time to get through. This is why psychologists have jobs.
I look at the simple fact I was able to break the pattern of this recent 5 year cycle for long enough to go on one date with a new man as a small victory. Don't pity me or feel bad that it didn't end up being a perfect match... instead, be happy for me that I went on the date and recognized that he wasn't a good fit for me. I have a telling history of falling hard and blindly for the first man who shows strong interest in me upon being recently single, so it is truly a beautiful thing to see the pouring in of text messages from this one guy, from our one date, totally wanting to hook up, and to know that it is not going to be a good fit for me. To know, with confidence, that our goals do not line up and there is no need to draw this out over another 5 years. I am proud of myself today for recognizing that.
Maybe with each failed attempt at dating I will learn more about how much I have to offer, and how important it is to respect myself. Last night I wore bright lipstick because I'm a grown-ass lady, and today is a good day, despite my migraine. Don't cry for me, Argentina.
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