I have experienced a rainbow of emotions and hardships since my journey to Hawai'i and last year's trauma was the worst of it. I didn't come here to vacation, however, and despite all of the trials, I have made a survivor out of myself.
Sometimes it is easier to stay in bed for a week and take vacation days feigning the flu, when it's really terrible depression. Sometimes I don't want to see or hear another person because I can't stand myself, let alone anyone else. But like the tide, life ebbs and flows. Bouts of depression fade and the sun is one of the most constant things on this transient island of tourists. Beach therapy occasionally works; great friends pull me from my lair as I make up a million excuses why I shouldn't go with, and we sit in the sun or float on the waves with beers and zebra ring floaties, pretending that life really is easy.
Of course Monday still comes back or vacation days run out, but if I were to choose to be depressed from all of the shit I've been through in Minnesota or Hawai'i, I would always choose here. Being away from family is incredibly difficult and riddles me with guilt, but I have grown in enormous ways that I don't think would have been possible had I stayed there. Trauma happens everywhere, so being a mile from home wouldn't have necessarily wiped it from my destiny. I am a statistic now, but I am still choosing to fight against becoming a different sort of statistic. I want to continue to be a fighter and a surviver instead of a victim. All of those could've/would've/should've's can shut the hell up.
So, that trauma: the hardest part a year later is seeing all of the wasted energy that I put into people and things that didn't deserve it; trauma shakes you awake and pumps you full of clarity. I am now conscious of my failures as much as I am conscious of those who have failed me. I am aware of how those around me either go through life half-asleep, or whether they, too, have been awakened. It's sort of an alternative reality that I've been placed into, for better or for worse. Sometimes the PTSD comes back in weird ways and disrupts my routine, embarrassing me and causing me great stress. I have a shitload of anxiety, but some of that was there before.
Like anyone, we all have our cross to bear. Unfortunately most people never show their cross, especially when it's mental illness or something deeply personal like what I experienced. It's just too hard to face the critics even when I know I shouldn't be listening to them. How do I know? Because I've lost friends over this: people I thought were there for me decided they were not. That's super hard. So I don't talk about all of this openly anymore. Sadly. It is nice to meet others on rare occasions who have also gone through or are going through similar situations. We can instantly look into each other's eyes and know. That's powerful. And I am learning that those "friends" that couldn't be there for me don't matter anymore, but it still stings. I have tried hard in my life not to hold grudges, but that is challenging.
I am on a mission now to find more fulfillment in my daily work, something that has been missing for years. I'm sure I would've continued on struggling had it not been for this jolt. Perhaps it is the horrible ugliness of humanity letting me down that has caused my fervor, but it is a good and necessary thing for me to explore other avenues and find something that makes me happy 9-5. Night school on top of my 40-hour work week has proven exhausting in the first week but I am hoping that after the initial shock of the new schedule, it won't feel so hard. I am happier inside my head than I have felt in a very long time. I go to work every morning feeling hopeful and rejuvenated, with something at the end of my day to look forward to. I have had two separate work appointments in the past week where the people asked if I love my job, which I can only imagine means that my outward appearance reads that I am extremely happy (no one needs to know it isn't my current 8-5 making me happy, right?) I know that even if this new venture ends up being hard work, it will feel more meaningful than what I am currently doing. I will feel a sense of value about myself that I have not yet experienced.
Being stripped of all of your self-esteem and robbed of something extremely personal and valuable changes you inside and out. Rebuilding will take years. "Trust" is something I used to do too easily, and now I trust very few, and even them with caution. It is a scary and lonely place to be. I am grateful for my new path to explore, for the ability to reach out to family and friends and have them say, "yes, we believe in you." Change can be very scary, even to an adventurous world traveler! I struggle with the thought of knowing I will never be that carefree girl I was a year ago that believed in the good in everyone, but also know that I've gained some tremendous wisdom and perspective.
Always look for the positives, even in the darkest of corners.
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