Derby Demure

It is day 47, and I am just settling back into my bedrest from a brief stint to Oahu for a fed conference. It was... interesting. My doctor approved the trip with a compression wrap, but C. was pissed that I went. She was probably right... my leg would swell quite a bit by the end of the day. I did a lot of walking that I probably shouldn't have done... but I also snuck in a bubble bath... so it wasn't all bad ;)

L. was glad to see me and I forged a good bond with her. I needed her to know that I'm doing everything I can to stay involved. I was a little bit pitiful with my leg propped on a chair for three days, but the sympathy it drew was a nice reminder to L. that I am still on the mend. I spent my off-time at the mall getting coffee and then retreating to my private hotel room to eat sushi and a late night pint of strawberry Häagen-Dazs. I was supposed to have a roommate, but apparently there was some program drama on her island, and she didn't show. Nice to have the space to myself.

I found it strangely amusing to go from solitude on bedrest in Kapaa to solitude on bedrest in Honolulu, and how different the two were. Whereas in Kapaa I felt trapped and anxious, in Honolulu I felt less trapped but more lonely than ever. It didn't help that no one outside of the conference could find time to have dinner.

Just when I thought things were going well, this accident acted as catalyst to cause my life to explode into tiny particles of confetti... and then someone lit a match.

I find ways to entertain myself besides doing the work that I'm really supposed to be doing on my work days, like feeding my insatiable desire for BBC English Period film series and the Tudor series, movies on the royal empire of Great Britain and the tried and true favorites of Bones and NCIS. My life has really become quite predictable and sad. Oddly enough, I feel the grips of the same depression that had such a strong hold on me back in Oahu when I realized my program was a failure. Then, I could escape and exercise my dog. Now, I must grit my teeth and bite down on the metallic taste of fate's bridal bit. I am an indentured servant to this hematoma on my leg. I must do R.I.C.E. (Rest Ice Compression Elevation) 24-7 until the bruise decides to drain away, as the consequences of not doing so are vast and complex.

I kissed goodbye my position for the derby trip to Alaska, and with a tearful but submissive tone, I told my captain that I would have to forfeit my spot on the All Stars roster until the next quarter, maybe longer. Wow. That was hard. I remember a while back when I was considering a move away from the derby... but this accident and being denied the chance to even practice has increased my passion for derby even more. I watched all of the tournament play for Western Regionals and Midwest Regionals, as well as the National Championship bouts held in Chicago. It seems that derby and coffee are the only things that keep my head above water right now. I must instill hope within that I will be able to return, for I know that the second I give up, the rest of this sweater that keeps my bones within my skin will unravel and fall to ruin at my feet.

I need derby. That's what I'm learning right now. I may not know what my purpose is in life, what my one great passion is to do for a career... but I DO know that I love derby. I need it in my life. It is my glue.