When entertaining guests in Hawaii, I get to partake in silly tourist adventures... like whale-watching expeditions, Waikiki boardwalk ogling, North Shore exploration, beach hopping, and seeking out new restaurants. Over the past week I have managed to see more of this island than I have in the past four months. I'm exhausted. I get one day of rest before another guest comes tomorrow... wherein the whole tour begins anew...
But the whale-watching cruise was cool!
I barely caught the boat due to the bus system being overly congested the day after Christmas, but I made it. By sprinting. After I coughed up what I believe was blood from my lungs post-sprint, I settled into a reclining lawn chair on the S.S. Atlantis, watching the tourists shuffle around the rails in search of whales. They ooohed and aaahhhed when a whale would surface to blow water into the air, and when someone squealed on the other side of the ship, 500 tourists would immediately run to the other rail, video cameras flailing and cameras snapping. I admit... I got up in a panic from my lawn chair. I couldn't help it! It was whale hysteria! My journey to and from my lawn chair to fight off waves of seasickness was rewarded by visions of whale tails, sea turtles, dolphins, and a hammerhead shark... and although I highly doubt I'll go again, I may consider it if I take Dramamine first.
I now consider renting a car at some point in your Oahu vacation absolutely mandatory. Buses are fine around the city, but if you want to see the North Shore--and believe me you do--a car will save you a two-hour bus ride. Plus, you can then meander down the Leeward side of the island and see Chinaman's Hat, Kaneohe, and charming Hawaiian towns and beaches like Kailua--where the Obama family vacations during the holidays. We hit Waimea Bay while we were up there and got smacked around by enormous waves. At one point, I came inches from losing my bikini bottoms. It was a worrisome split-second. Luckily, I have quick reflexes.
There were some amazing surprises in our car travels, from sudden rainstorms and rainbows to spontaneous stops to see breathtaking views of the rugged Kokohead coastline. Seriously... I was shocked at the beauty on this island. Here I thought it was all in Kauai!
Our Christmas was anticlimactic per usual, with plenty of down time and boredom. We hit the beach at Waikiki on Christmas morning to meet up with the other thousands of tourists fighting for a patch of sand along the shore, then gave up and got ice cream when it started to rain. I dribbled chocolate-peanut butter Haagen Daaz down the front of my yellow sun dress like a six year-old, and we window shopped along the tourist strip until my friends could check into their splurge hotel rental for the night. I then ventured home on the buses. I waited for an hour at the deserted Ala Moana Center next to a homeless person with nowhere else to go, no family to celebrate the holiday with. It's a twisted perspective to see someone living on the streets, knowing they have no home and no one to turn to, yet still feeling homesick inside.It makes me ashamed of my momentary cryfest that I had in Barnes & Noble a few days ago--devalues the weight of my lonesomeness and my heartache. I have family. I have friends. I have an apartment. I need to quit being such a fucking baby. It could be waaaaaay worse.
When my other friend arrives tomorrow, I'm hoping to find new adventures to do instead of retreading my same path. That's what life is all about, right? Treading new paths?
Sunday, December 27, 2009
Tuesday, December 22, 2009
Painful Beauty
There is something about the uninterrupted beauty of nature that can transform a person's mental state from stagnant and stuck to liberated.
This was my weekend a few back:
Whatever hold the vog of Honolulu had placed on my mental state was lifted as I returned to the magical island of Kauai. As if staying in a jungle bungalow weren't enough bliss, I hiked bamboo forest trails through Noni and Guava trees, and slipped into the rippling waters of Rainbow Falls. I lazily walked along ocean's edge and saw a whale breach on the horizon. I drew spring water from boulders. Our truck was delayed by a wild boar and her piglets. Wild roosters strutted in the ditches. As the sun set, a surfer movie showed in the cozy city of Hanalei as local artists displayed their handiwork. That night, I gazed at a meteor shower for hours on the rooftop. For a few days, I lost myself in the simplicity of country-island life, of worry-free days and silent nights. Beaching, hiking, simple meals, quiet evenings under starlit skies with ocean breeze and mountain air...
As I lay there on the roof watching mother nature's fabulous show, I wondered how I had gotten there in awe. How had I changed my fortune so drastically? What sacrifices had I made to get to this point? Was I lucky, or simply brave?
Call it what you will. It has been a fabulous journey. I'm enjoying it. I enjoy the change, the view, the adventures. I enjoy the excitement of new places, new experiences. Yet within me, I am very lonely. I am very much single. I have no partner in crime with whom to share my life. I have no one to come home to, no one to tell me how fabulous I am. At the end of the day, regardless of how many friends I've made and adventures I've had, I am still single. I am still very much alone in this.
Back in the city and the daily grind of Honolulu, I'm frustrated by my singledom and pissed that I am still silently suffering through holidays alone. It's a sad reality. I want a man that travels but yet wants a woman by his side. Close to impossible, methinks. It's like a catch-22. What I saw as a normal trait to explore turns out to be the trait men who shy away from commitment hold strongly. I consistently meet men who like to travel, and are anti-committal. It's true. I'm attracted to a faulty character flaw. Life just gets harder and lonelier. One of my last unmarried friends was proposed to over the weekend. I'm sooo happy for her, yet the knife drives deeper. Where is my man? I am either too picky, or chasing rainbows...
(Sidenote: Apparently, I'm not doing very well at patience and graceful independence. Sigh. Gotta work on that. I'm not going to complain about this last subject for a loooong time. It sounds whiny and miserable... but because I've been dwelling on it so much lately, I feel obligated to include this last paragraph. I promise to work on my optimism. I'm fabulous. Right? hahaha)
I have been reading a lot of books lately, partially to distract myself from my neuroses, and partially to make up for all of the misguidance of my English teachers throughout the years. I haven't read the classics, people... I've been cheated. I've spent thousands of dollars for a few pieces of fancy paper, including an English degree(!), and until now, I've never read Hemingway, Faulkner, Fitzgerald, Camus, Coetzee, Joyce, Conrad.. barely any 20th/21st century literature. Wtf?! Luckily, I have a great literary friend/genius who is filling the void. I do regular assigned readings and then present a synopsis, and we discuss my impressions. It's fantastic. It's like a private book club minus the meetings and distractions. I am so into it! Man, and I'm getting skooled! I don't know shit!! Hahaha! I can't believe I neglected my literary side for so long. It's a shame, really.
Fiction is great.
Just better steer clear of the love stories for a while.
This was my weekend a few back:
Whatever hold the vog of Honolulu had placed on my mental state was lifted as I returned to the magical island of Kauai. As if staying in a jungle bungalow weren't enough bliss, I hiked bamboo forest trails through Noni and Guava trees, and slipped into the rippling waters of Rainbow Falls. I lazily walked along ocean's edge and saw a whale breach on the horizon. I drew spring water from boulders. Our truck was delayed by a wild boar and her piglets. Wild roosters strutted in the ditches. As the sun set, a surfer movie showed in the cozy city of Hanalei as local artists displayed their handiwork. That night, I gazed at a meteor shower for hours on the rooftop. For a few days, I lost myself in the simplicity of country-island life, of worry-free days and silent nights. Beaching, hiking, simple meals, quiet evenings under starlit skies with ocean breeze and mountain air...
As I lay there on the roof watching mother nature's fabulous show, I wondered how I had gotten there in awe. How had I changed my fortune so drastically? What sacrifices had I made to get to this point? Was I lucky, or simply brave?
Call it what you will. It has been a fabulous journey. I'm enjoying it. I enjoy the change, the view, the adventures. I enjoy the excitement of new places, new experiences. Yet within me, I am very lonely. I am very much single. I have no partner in crime with whom to share my life. I have no one to come home to, no one to tell me how fabulous I am. At the end of the day, regardless of how many friends I've made and adventures I've had, I am still single. I am still very much alone in this.
Back in the city and the daily grind of Honolulu, I'm frustrated by my singledom and pissed that I am still silently suffering through holidays alone. It's a sad reality. I want a man that travels but yet wants a woman by his side. Close to impossible, methinks. It's like a catch-22. What I saw as a normal trait to explore turns out to be the trait men who shy away from commitment hold strongly. I consistently meet men who like to travel, and are anti-committal. It's true. I'm attracted to a faulty character flaw. Life just gets harder and lonelier. One of my last unmarried friends was proposed to over the weekend. I'm sooo happy for her, yet the knife drives deeper. Where is my man? I am either too picky, or chasing rainbows...
(Sidenote: Apparently, I'm not doing very well at patience and graceful independence. Sigh. Gotta work on that. I'm not going to complain about this last subject for a loooong time. It sounds whiny and miserable... but because I've been dwelling on it so much lately, I feel obligated to include this last paragraph. I promise to work on my optimism. I'm fabulous. Right? hahaha)
I have been reading a lot of books lately, partially to distract myself from my neuroses, and partially to make up for all of the misguidance of my English teachers throughout the years. I haven't read the classics, people... I've been cheated. I've spent thousands of dollars for a few pieces of fancy paper, including an English degree(!), and until now, I've never read Hemingway, Faulkner, Fitzgerald, Camus, Coetzee, Joyce, Conrad.. barely any 20th/21st century literature. Wtf?! Luckily, I have a great literary friend/genius who is filling the void. I do regular assigned readings and then present a synopsis, and we discuss my impressions. It's fantastic. It's like a private book club minus the meetings and distractions. I am so into it! Man, and I'm getting skooled! I don't know shit!! Hahaha! I can't believe I neglected my literary side for so long. It's a shame, really.
Fiction is great.
Just better steer clear of the love stories for a while.
Wednesday, December 9, 2009
Poison is a girl's best friend
I've kinda gotten into the groove of daily life in Hawaii, to the point of actually feeling a little chilly in the morning when it's really only low 70's. My room is like a moldy cave. No, really. There is mold on the ceiling.
A housing inspector came through and told me that I should always have a fan on and should keep the windows open whenever possible, and that I should scrub the ceiling with bleach. Uh... okay... except I CAN'T have all the windows open or I smell dog poo. Well, I can have one open. Still. Really? Mold? What.. am I in England again? It was my experience living in a castle in England back in 1998 that I first developed a mold allergy, being sick 5 out of the 6 months (I would have made a terrible princess). Yet again, I suffer from the mold allergy. It certainly explains the constant stuffy nose every morning and the sneezing fits. Apparently I missed the ceiling when I scoured the apartment.
New and understandably unacceptable development: A rat hole under the kitchen sink.
Really? A rat hole? Why the hell do I put up with this?
I'm not so sure, except with each new experience I learn a little more about what I can tolerate and when I am going to crack and end up in an insane asylum. All I can really say is that time and experience have really mellowed me out.
Luckily, the owner has bought her ticket to Philadelphia and departs on a plane (forever) December 28th. Where does that leave us in our lease? Good question. No idea. It's supposed to be up end of February. The potential buyer (who is aware of all of this) is still unsure if the deal is going to go through before then, but has expressed interest in keeping us as tenants. I have a list of demands if I am to extend my lease, but with the rental market the way it is here, I am not entirely optimistic that he will meet the demands and keep our rent at the same level. I don't even know if he'll keep it that way should I NOT present the demands. Oh, the things you learn when your budget is ridiculously tight. Some must decide whether they want a garden view or an actual garden. I must choose whether or not I can afford to move out of a rat/mouse/cockroach infested apartment. I must also choose whether to EVER bring such subjects up in conversation, especially with visiting house guests. Will they notice the rat hole that I have stuffed with a Brillo pad and covered with duct tape, or can I avoid the topic altogether?
Meanwhile, the roommates and I are reaching the "personal pet peeves" portion in our relationship, and I am remaining remarkably calm. They are married. They have married-person "talks." Then there is me, the third wheel, occasionally in the way and mute about my own grievances within the living situation. I prefer to just avoid the whole issue and lock myself in my room. Maybe that isn't the best approach, but it keeps me composed and separated from their life. You know how you should never turn a friend into a roommate? This is why. Sometimes, roommate situations must remain as professional as business transactions. All three of us will be fine so long as our personal space and mental space are honored. I believe this is only a temporary adjustment period in the roommate cycle, and look forward to the anxiety of the apartment pests being extinguished. I think it would do wonders for our stress levels. I've had great roommates in the past, but it certainly gets trickier when the roommates are married. It suddenly turns into a 2-1 ratio.. there is no equality. Luckily, they're from Iowa. Somehow that helps.
Domestic annoyances are a small component in my Hawaii experience. I have met a lot of amazing people. I have helped cook turkeys in an Imu pit for the homeless and poor. I have watched a portion of the Triple Crown surf competition, and stood within 20 feet of famous Bethany Hamilton, known for surviving a tiger shark attack. I have ridden on the back of a crotch rocket. I have seen Chinaman's Hat. I have hiked part of the Napali Coast to watch a brilliant sunset. I have driven across single-lane bridges in the jungles of North Shore Kauai. I have camped in 2" of water in a thunderstorm, oceanside, on the north shore of Oahu. I have gone for a morning swim in the ocean. I have purchased a Brazilian bikini... and worn it. I have broken my wrist. I have gotten into altercations with old ladies in Goodwill. I have shopped regularly at Walmart because I cannot afford not to. I have thrown away food an hour old because cockroaches in someone's car have taken hold of it. I have mooched rides, walked home 1 1/2 hours because I was too proud to ask, tipped a cabbie $10 extra because he didn't speak English and I couldn't handle dealing with him any more, waited for an hour in the rain for a bus next to a homeless person who had nowhere else to go, developed a fondness for most dogs regardless of size, developed a complete distaste for uni shooters, pronounced street names right, given directions to tourists, participated in a sex ed workshop with Micronesian Women who have never talked about sex, walked 13 miles to raise awareness and money for homelessness in Hawaii... and gotten to a pretty good place in my self-taught ukulele lessons.
A housing inspector came through and told me that I should always have a fan on and should keep the windows open whenever possible, and that I should scrub the ceiling with bleach. Uh... okay... except I CAN'T have all the windows open or I smell dog poo. Well, I can have one open. Still. Really? Mold? What.. am I in England again? It was my experience living in a castle in England back in 1998 that I first developed a mold allergy, being sick 5 out of the 6 months (I would have made a terrible princess). Yet again, I suffer from the mold allergy. It certainly explains the constant stuffy nose every morning and the sneezing fits. Apparently I missed the ceiling when I scoured the apartment.
New and understandably unacceptable development: A rat hole under the kitchen sink.
Really? A rat hole? Why the hell do I put up with this?
I'm not so sure, except with each new experience I learn a little more about what I can tolerate and when I am going to crack and end up in an insane asylum. All I can really say is that time and experience have really mellowed me out.
Luckily, the owner has bought her ticket to Philadelphia and departs on a plane (forever) December 28th. Where does that leave us in our lease? Good question. No idea. It's supposed to be up end of February. The potential buyer (who is aware of all of this) is still unsure if the deal is going to go through before then, but has expressed interest in keeping us as tenants. I have a list of demands if I am to extend my lease, but with the rental market the way it is here, I am not entirely optimistic that he will meet the demands and keep our rent at the same level. I don't even know if he'll keep it that way should I NOT present the demands. Oh, the things you learn when your budget is ridiculously tight. Some must decide whether they want a garden view or an actual garden. I must choose whether or not I can afford to move out of a rat/mouse/cockroach infested apartment. I must also choose whether to EVER bring such subjects up in conversation, especially with visiting house guests. Will they notice the rat hole that I have stuffed with a Brillo pad and covered with duct tape, or can I avoid the topic altogether?
Meanwhile, the roommates and I are reaching the "personal pet peeves" portion in our relationship, and I am remaining remarkably calm. They are married. They have married-person "talks." Then there is me, the third wheel, occasionally in the way and mute about my own grievances within the living situation. I prefer to just avoid the whole issue and lock myself in my room. Maybe that isn't the best approach, but it keeps me composed and separated from their life. You know how you should never turn a friend into a roommate? This is why. Sometimes, roommate situations must remain as professional as business transactions. All three of us will be fine so long as our personal space and mental space are honored. I believe this is only a temporary adjustment period in the roommate cycle, and look forward to the anxiety of the apartment pests being extinguished. I think it would do wonders for our stress levels. I've had great roommates in the past, but it certainly gets trickier when the roommates are married. It suddenly turns into a 2-1 ratio.. there is no equality. Luckily, they're from Iowa. Somehow that helps.
Domestic annoyances are a small component in my Hawaii experience. I have met a lot of amazing people. I have helped cook turkeys in an Imu pit for the homeless and poor. I have watched a portion of the Triple Crown surf competition, and stood within 20 feet of famous Bethany Hamilton, known for surviving a tiger shark attack. I have ridden on the back of a crotch rocket. I have seen Chinaman's Hat. I have hiked part of the Napali Coast to watch a brilliant sunset. I have driven across single-lane bridges in the jungles of North Shore Kauai. I have camped in 2" of water in a thunderstorm, oceanside, on the north shore of Oahu. I have gone for a morning swim in the ocean. I have purchased a Brazilian bikini... and worn it. I have broken my wrist. I have gotten into altercations with old ladies in Goodwill. I have shopped regularly at Walmart because I cannot afford not to. I have thrown away food an hour old because cockroaches in someone's car have taken hold of it. I have mooched rides, walked home 1 1/2 hours because I was too proud to ask, tipped a cabbie $10 extra because he didn't speak English and I couldn't handle dealing with him any more, waited for an hour in the rain for a bus next to a homeless person who had nowhere else to go, developed a fondness for most dogs regardless of size, developed a complete distaste for uni shooters, pronounced street names right, given directions to tourists, participated in a sex ed workshop with Micronesian Women who have never talked about sex, walked 13 miles to raise awareness and money for homelessness in Hawaii... and gotten to a pretty good place in my self-taught ukulele lessons.
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