I have no idea what I am doing. Is that normal?

There are endless possibilities when you do not know what you are doing.
When you admit you don't know everything, you don't have to defend your actions.
You travel lightly without expectations.
You can relax, and just BE.


a space for mystery
a space for new adventures
a space for growth
a space to truly learn

So I humbly ask myself, who am I? And what am I doing?

Antarctica at Work

Like any good novel, the character has made a choice that has altered her future... and there is no turning back.
I'm figuring out how to maneuver towards the center of the earth with an ice pick for a weapon. Might as well have been Antarctica today at work (and no, it's not actually cold in there). I would love some human interaction right now. I spend 8 hours alone at work, and come home to an empty apartment.
Now come the questions, and the sleepless nights.
It was the right thing to do, right? To quit work at a safe job in the industry that I found tolerable but not terribly inspiring, that had full benefits and good pay,
to risk everything for a museum job (in my field and using my degree), with no guarantees and no benefits? Have I made yet another terrible mistake?

I'm applying for COBRA. My school loans are due, my check is lagged in the transition for a full month, I only have four stat doses of medication left for migraines. I just drained my savings account to pay rent. I have really gambled. It's all in the pot.

What am I doing with my life? Why? Does it matter? How am I this old and still have no fucking clue?!!

I've felt that way since I lost my aunt and moved to Hawaii. Except with this huge risk, I thought I was really going to work some magic in the career gap of my life. Now in week three I'm doing a thorough self-interrogation, questioning my motives, my goals. I feel very uncertain and childlike.
It's that insecurity you feel when you're unpopular in junior high.

• it's shitty that my "dream job" can be ruined by some really entitled state workers with a chip on their shoulder
• this is supposed to be my big opportunity of a lifetime, and they're ruining it

But then, they only ruin it if I let them... and maybe they will get fed up and quit. 

I'm a chess piece. I'm an external hire, which is the equivalent of being the company rep that comes in to evaluate which departments to consolidate and who to fire.

So you see the game we play now.

But there is so much more that is important in life. For instance:

we will inevitably die before we get to do everything we want to do.

The lessons on repeat in my world over the past few years have revolved around patience, acceptance, compassion, and being grateful. Patience is really hard. Especially when you're within an arm's length of the prize. 

I promise to let go of the bad and be grateful for what I have.
I promise to stop and see the world around me.
I promise to stop worrying about the future, because it may never come.
I promise to be kind, and to think before speaking or doing.
I promise to stand up for myself, and for others.
I promise to trust my gut instincts.
And I promise to remind myself that I am a lucky bitch.

Where The Magic Happens: Sociology of Fiction

Taking a bit of a sociology lesson out of my conversations with the Writer, we have recently been discussing reasons behind common themes in books:

Human nature responds most strongly to desire, conflict, risk, and change because that is the pattern of growth within our lives… what helps us to overcome fear and become stronger. The only way to grow is through desire and risk, to go outside of our comfort zone and experience something unfamiliar that will break us out of what is beginning to hold us back/suffocate. Something commonly sought is also the thing we somewhat loathe; stability. It is the boredom that sets in when nothing changes; life becomes stagnant and stale.

Despite the benefits of knowing each day will be the same as the last, we begin to see through repeated days upon days that “stability” is keeping us from progressing. We start to sniff out new things that will awaken our senses and remind us to be alive and present. Some people do this through changing partners, some through traveling, having kids, jumping out of planes, some through moving to a new country or career shifts. It is especially true in American culture where we are accustomed to being able to do a full upheaval into a new avenue of living without fatal consequences.

When someone is smart enough to know that they must have at least some stability to survive, they can seek out risk through fictional events…by escaping into an alternate reality that is not theirs.

Fairy tales and fiction both convey messages that are a part of our life cycle. Where fairy tales provide a hero, other fiction questions why a hero is necessary. Fairy tales give shape to both the enemy and the enemies’ enemy (it is a powerful reassurance to have something exist in the universe that is more powerful than darkness). Likewise, it is an interesting and unsettling realization to end a book and feel different because of the conclusion, or lack of conclusion.

I think we do desire a certain amount of resolve to a story that we’ve invested hours of imagination into and have built therein a small escape from reality. We want to know that it all works out somehow, and that those characters have grown as a result of the events and consequences that they face. Many times a story is compelling because the reader of the book may not have the courage to actively take the sorts of risks the fictional character can take… so the reader identifies with the character’s desire and gets to partially experience what may happen as a result of pursuing it. We are always seeking out knowledge, and learning about what happens-as a result of a murderous rampage, or what goes through a psychopath’s mind, or how it feels to be swept up in a star-crossed love affair-without actually having to partake in the event. A book can satisfy the reader’s curiosity. Gaining bits of knowledge about lives outside of our own is advantageous to being able to withstand changes in our reality, should they happen. It is easier to adapt to something that is not foreign.