Confronting Fear

Sometimes a girl just wants to be saved.

Yes, that sure would be nice... my prince in shining armor, gallantly sweeping me off of my feet, off to his enchanting palace, happily ever after. Tralala.

While I wait for Prince Charming, I'm taking steps towards self-improvement. Demons from life's disappointments have a way of haunting you. I have decided to stop running. They will follow me everywhere. I will always fear abandonment so as long as I let it scare me. If you never walk forward, you will remain in the same place.

This month, the month of March, I have become my own brave warrior, true to my name. I have pulled myself up by the bootstraps and begun a very scary journey to unearth all that has prevented me from growing.

I find it amusing when people criticize self-help books. Are they afraid of them? Are the books a threat to themselves? To their own fears? I am not afraid of books. Every time I read one, no matter how terrible, I learn something. Sometimes I learn I hate the writing style or the author. Sometimes I fall in love with characters. Sometimes I learn the truth. As I trollop through the Summer of my existence, I am entering a spiritual forest of books. They wait mysteriously in Barnes & Noble, the sign 'Self Help' looming above, customers' eyes leering sideways glances at me as they scurry past the aisle... but I'm not afraid of books. I'm afraid of admitting I have some hurdles to jump on my way to happiness. I'm afraid of other peoples' judgment, and I'm not even sure why.

Each day is a struggle to remain centered and conscious in my present state. I can't dwell on my old life, but when I lost my phone early in the month on the derby trip to Seattle, I lost a piece of my past. It was a devastating blow. I didn't see it coming. Sprint doesn't save your contacts, so when that phone was lost on the side of a freeway during a drunk derby girl potty break, I lost every connection I had. One fell swoop. I lost numbers of family, good friends, old friends, new friends. I lost every contact from Minnesota. I lost my safety net of fallback numbers to call when I was extremely lonely. At the closing of this month, new phone in hand, I realize how important that safety net was to me. I am feeling very alone, and have only a handful of numbers in my replacement phone. They are mostly local derby girls and immediate family members. I have recovered the real network that I have in my existence, rid of the entries that were never truly there for me... but because I could see them in my phone, I thought they existed. I have now accepted that those lost contacts are gone. I see those people on Facebook and know that they are shells of my past, and no longer a part of my present. I hate it. I hate knowing that I lost friends. Not maliciously, not because of something bad, but because I made a huge choice; I left. I have to sleep alone and I have to eat alone. I have to spend entire nights alone. I have a dog and an ipod, a laptop and a radio. I have internet and I have family that loves me. I have less old friends than I thought, and they are far away. I have new friends that I barely know and of whom I rarely see. I have a hobby that consumes 4 nights a week, and a job that I have given up on. I have no plan for future and am starting to accept that I have abandoned my past.

Now is the time to get to work on what has held me back, what scares me, what causes me anxiety and sadness, what that barrier is that causes my relationships to fail, where my passions lie, what to pursue in life, what it is about myself that I can improve.. to grow into the best person I can be. Really. Self is all you can fix. I can't control other people's actions, and I can't make a person love me. I can love myself and create a happy existence for myself, and along the way find hope that I will conquer my fears.

Now is the time.

Tonight I'm going to dinner and a movie alone for the first time in my life.

Bronchitis in Paradise

That's right, folks! It's possible to be miserable in paradise. This time it isn't nuclear-proof insects and money woes... it's good old-fashioned GERMS!

Thanks to a lovely Minnesota cold brought over on the plane by my mother dearest, I have spent the past three weeks coughing my guts out! Today I broke down and went to the doctor, who immediately prescribed me antibiotics and codeine, and then demanded I return on Monday so he could be sure I was improving. Apparently I make doctors nervous. Hahaha!

Well, if he had known how I flew on a red-eye to and from Seattle this past weekend to play three games of roller derby in the Wild West Showdown tournament against teams ranked in the top 20 of the nation, he may not have let me leave the hospital... but I have a season opener tomorrow, dammit, and I'll be damned if I roll over and let the Villians take home a victory!
Tonight Oscar (my trusty sidekick and dogge extraordinaire)accompanied me to "First Friday" in downtown Honolulu, Chinatown, where we flyered up and down the streets to promote derby despite losing our venue a few nights ago. Apparently not many people take too kindly to roller derby in Hawaii, and even though the military was doing their best to cater to us, they got word from above that we breached security code by being on the premises, and were told we may no longer play or practice there. :( BUMMER!!

But in light of true roller derby spirit, the show must go on.

So.

Back to duking it out for practice time with the Hawaii Kai outdoor Roller Hockey league. They've been pretty generous with us, but I don't know how much longer our league can support itself without being able to charge admission. Sigh.

Derby is the main drama in my life now, as work obstacles fade in importance and I decide to move away from caring about the future of the program I've been trying so hard to sustain. Some things just aren't meant to be, and sometimes energy just shouldn't be wasted. So I comply with their demands and bide my time, serving my sentence, debating what step I should take next. I should probably start thinking about that.

Oscar certainly fills my void when it comes to love and affection, and I've been having a pretty good time relaxing after a visit from my parents. It was great to see them, but their departure marked the end of almost two months of nonstop visitors and entertaining. WHEW!!! They aren't kidding about "tourist season!" I will go home for a visit in June and it will be a good break from consistent weather... but until then, I'm lapping it up.

Ahh. *Cough*