My life for the past few years has been much like a washing machine on the "Industrial" setting. I have cleansed and purged repeatedly, with new mud surfacing shortly after I thought I removed all my stains. It is the cycle of life, a cataclysmic stormfront of shifting winds and unpredictable weather. I am proud to say I'm surviving, but sometimes I lie awake late at night listening to my heart beat, surprised it still is. Everyone has trials in their existence-I just chose a hard path. I love the adventure of risk, the change of scenery, the new friendships forged, the feeling of accomplishment when the gears of daily life start turning smoothly. I also hate the disappointment of squeaky dysfunction when I am barraged with bad events... like a motorcycle accident, a lost job, tire bursting, a month-delayed paycheck. This life of adventure is hard work. I wouldn't prefer a simple life free of stress, as that would involve no change and no adventure... but a little less misfortune would be fabulous.
In a brief synopsis of 2010: I started the year on bedrest in a miserable state after a motorcycle collision, lost my job because of it, recovered fully, worked multiple jobs, renewed my vows to roller derby after near-retirement, guest-coached in Australia, and am now leaving Kauai back to Oahu in order to try a new set of calculated risks.
I have endured pain, uncertainty, forced poverty, and hard luck. I have lived off of food stamps and government insurance coverage, scraping together hours between nonprofits for good causes and vacation rental cleaning gigs. I have swallowed my pride to do whatever it took to make my desires reality, hawking home baked cookies to strangers out of a Walmart bag in order to fund my derby dream of Rollercon.
I silently worked on my patience and compassion as I partnered up with an elderly co-worker who feared projects not involving kit instructions. Life is not just my challenge, but the challenges of others, as well. My journey helps others in their journeys. Hopefully what I have contributed to the derby league on this island will set a stronger foundation for a lasting league, one fed continuously through concentration on new recruitment and skills testing to decrease injuries. All one can do is hope that their contributions are good ones, welcomed and loved for their intention and their positivity. I hope that I wasn't seen as a negative curmudgeon by all of the people I came across on Kauai, but the feeling persists due to how my year started. One of the hardest lessons in life is to attempt positivity in the face of adversity, choosing to live fully and through doing instead of shrinking back in fear and discouragement. It was a tough run. This island is beautiful and rugged, and awfully hard to find work on.
I also took on an unpaid mural project for a friend of a friend to prove to myself that I still had some sort of artistic blood within me that hasn't shriveled up from the crafting projects of my day job (I am just now finishing it). The mural started slowly and I did plenty of procrastinating, but I believe I will be proud of it in the end... which to me is a big deal. It isn't just a school logo anymore... it's my own design and proof that I still have tools in my toolbox. It is my art therapy.
Oscar the dog will be neatly packed once more into a crate for our next Oahu adventure. I will take my calculated risk as a Legislative Aide for a wonderful senator. I am moving in with my boyfriend. I am riddled with nerves and insecurities, but the only way to know whether it will work is to try. We all have our problems and our demons, and so it goes. I will make the move and rely on my positive (yet cautious) attitude, believing that this is the journey that I am meant to explore. Life is one big adventure, and I continue to leap into the darkness with joy.
Tuesday, December 20, 2011
Sunday, November 27, 2011
Garden
Garden
Lying in the grass wet with dew
Lusty scented earth
Cold beneath my weight
Morning sun stretching its legs,
blanketing my body
Warm, like your touch
when your hands slide down my side,
resting on my hip
The weight of your thoughts is the weight of your hand
Your life heavy in my ear
Each caress like a kiss
I am yearning for your love
You feed me morsels of words and embraces
But in between
I am a desert that used to be a garden, waiting for the rain
The hush of the wind is my patience
Don’t hurry, dear,
but do come home.
Lying in the grass wet with dew
Lusty scented earth
Cold beneath my weight
Morning sun stretching its legs,
blanketing my body
Warm, like your touch
when your hands slide down my side,
resting on my hip
The weight of your thoughts is the weight of your hand
Your life heavy in my ear
Each caress like a kiss
I am yearning for your love
You feed me morsels of words and embraces
But in between
I am a desert that used to be a garden, waiting for the rain
The hush of the wind is my patience
Don’t hurry, dear,
but do come home.
Monday, October 31, 2011
Costumes and Shenanigans!
One of the great joys of October is carefully plotting out and executing the perfect Halloween costume. When I was younger it was often pieced together from the elaborate "costume closet" in my mother's sewing room. My siblings and I would look through the rubble of year's past on the shelves and imagine the possibilities, often trying out costume hybrids, like Undead Strawberry Shortcake.
Ernie the Witch and Dinosaur Michael Jackson would lead to discussions ending in Ernie's sweater REALLY looking a lot like that of Freddy Krueger... so then an entirely new costume would be created around the sweater. We would tear apart my mom's sewing room weeks in advance in search of sewing needles, scraps of fabric, forgotten scarves and bags of Goodwill donations... and then pester the parents for paints, tape, glue. As we got older, the pestering got more intense. "We need a machete! We need stilts! We need Chinese throwing stars!"
Of course, my parents were great at saying no when we were young... but they were equally great at giving us alternative ideas and options. They encouraged our explosive creativity by making sure that no costume idea was an entire failure, my mother working tirelessly at the sewing machine to get a pattern for "Wonderwoman" precisely right to match the original costume of the 80's heroine,
or the Simpsons family member costumes altered to fit us all as we labored for hours on their paper mache heads. I remember my sister working on her Freddy Krueger razor hand made up of Asian paper fan blades for hours. It turned out amazing. All of that creativity in our house only increased as we got older. My brother still wins costume contests for his Pirate outfits, my sister makes kids giggle with her uncanny resemblance to Pippy Longstocking, and I get oogled at for renditions of Sheera, Barbarella, or Marie Antoinette (complete with a hand-constructed guillotine in my wig made with a cigar clipper).
This year was no exception with my impersonation of one of the most famous female artist in modern times... Ms. Frida Kahlo. The best part of Halloween is portraying someone who is larger than life.
Ernie the Witch and Dinosaur Michael Jackson would lead to discussions ending in Ernie's sweater REALLY looking a lot like that of Freddy Krueger... so then an entirely new costume would be created around the sweater. We would tear apart my mom's sewing room weeks in advance in search of sewing needles, scraps of fabric, forgotten scarves and bags of Goodwill donations... and then pester the parents for paints, tape, glue. As we got older, the pestering got more intense. "We need a machete! We need stilts! We need Chinese throwing stars!"
Of course, my parents were great at saying no when we were young... but they were equally great at giving us alternative ideas and options. They encouraged our explosive creativity by making sure that no costume idea was an entire failure, my mother working tirelessly at the sewing machine to get a pattern for "Wonderwoman" precisely right to match the original costume of the 80's heroine,
or the Simpsons family member costumes altered to fit us all as we labored for hours on their paper mache heads. I remember my sister working on her Freddy Krueger razor hand made up of Asian paper fan blades for hours. It turned out amazing. All of that creativity in our house only increased as we got older. My brother still wins costume contests for his Pirate outfits, my sister makes kids giggle with her uncanny resemblance to Pippy Longstocking, and I get oogled at for renditions of Sheera, Barbarella, or Marie Antoinette (complete with a hand-constructed guillotine in my wig made with a cigar clipper).
This year was no exception with my impersonation of one of the most famous female artist in modern times... Ms. Frida Kahlo. The best part of Halloween is portraying someone who is larger than life.
Friday, September 9, 2011
September, the Birthday month
September marks another smudge on my life calendar, forcing me to come face to face with my ticking clock and assess personal ambitions. It always feels foolish to look back on life lists that I have created (even after just a few short months) to see what I unrealistically hoped to accomplish. Sigh.
I guess that's part of the wisdom that we gain with each year of life. We must swallow our pride and our silly egos, recognize that we are imperfect beings filled with years of expert procrastination techniques, and let go of dreams that may be a little out of our reach. One of those will be my dream of working in a museum. I can't seem to land a job in one, which brought forth my epiphany about how much in life is completely out of our control; I cannot make a museum hire me, or show my work. Plus, if I really did want to have a piece of art in a museum some day, logic tells me that I should probably be making an exponential amount of artwork so that something can be seen to be put into one. Oh yeah. Kinda need to make art to show art. Unless you are an excellent performance artist that knows how to pull off something pretty amazing.
In the meantime, as I let some dreams die, other random interests have turned profitable; I am now baking cookies for a local coffee shop to the tune of 12 dozen per week!
Just simple cookies for now, such as chocolate chip or white chocolate macadamia nut... but it's a start. I am more amused than rich by this venture, but pleased that homebaked goods are making a comeback. I've always found storebought cookies to lack a certain richness, and after some thought have determined that the richness I crave is simply the taste of real butter. Now, I know that butter is actually in storebought cookies... but for some reason the taste of it is more prominant in a freshly baked one made from scratch. I'm no scientist, but by golly my taste buds cannot be wrong!
Also in the works: cupcake experiments including cherry-filled red velvet with homemade cream cheese frosting. For now the cupcake endeavor remains unmarketed, but I enjoy it very much (and so do my friends).
I guess that's part of the wisdom that we gain with each year of life. We must swallow our pride and our silly egos, recognize that we are imperfect beings filled with years of expert procrastination techniques, and let go of dreams that may be a little out of our reach. One of those will be my dream of working in a museum. I can't seem to land a job in one, which brought forth my epiphany about how much in life is completely out of our control; I cannot make a museum hire me, or show my work. Plus, if I really did want to have a piece of art in a museum some day, logic tells me that I should probably be making an exponential amount of artwork so that something can be seen to be put into one. Oh yeah. Kinda need to make art to show art. Unless you are an excellent performance artist that knows how to pull off something pretty amazing.
In the meantime, as I let some dreams die, other random interests have turned profitable; I am now baking cookies for a local coffee shop to the tune of 12 dozen per week!
Just simple cookies for now, such as chocolate chip or white chocolate macadamia nut... but it's a start. I am more amused than rich by this venture, but pleased that homebaked goods are making a comeback. I've always found storebought cookies to lack a certain richness, and after some thought have determined that the richness I crave is simply the taste of real butter. Now, I know that butter is actually in storebought cookies... but for some reason the taste of it is more prominant in a freshly baked one made from scratch. I'm no scientist, but by golly my taste buds cannot be wrong!
Also in the works: cupcake experiments including cherry-filled red velvet with homemade cream cheese frosting. For now the cupcake endeavor remains unmarketed, but I enjoy it very much (and so do my friends).
Thursday, August 25, 2011
Officer Thune....or Officer Crush?
In between all of my failures that are building my character day by day, there are a few moments of success. One of those happened mid-month when I took the Police test.
Because of my severe test anxiety (I cried and dry-heaved when my professor handed out the Art History Comp Testout in grad school), I took a prep course that allowed anyone planning to take the test to study and take pre-tests. It went great-I was aceing the tests and felt pretty confident-but I know myself and my issues with test performance under pressure.
I went to the exam early, left my completely untouched latte in my car in the sun for afterwards, double/triple checked my purse for earplugs and a #2 pencil, and waited outside of the testing site listening to Journey's "Don't Stop Believing" on my ipod. Two nervous girls were chittering about how they failed the test last time by 1%... meaning they had gotten 69% on the test (and consequently 31 questions wrong). I looked around nervously for my barista buddy that was planning on taking it as well, and saw him come in the door right at the end. **sigh of relief** Everything was gonna be okay.
On the 100-question test, about half of it was reading comprehension and summarization. Unlike the practice exams, the caliber of the language and complexity of the material to summarize was significantly higher. I started to panic just a little bit when I got to the section on Ethics, which was something not mentioned in the course. Upon further thought, you can't practice street smarts in a way that will effectively make you better at it... you either get it, or you don't. If you are socially incompetent, you would probably fail this section.
Some of the test was simply choosing the correct definitions of very uncommon words, such as "apprise" and "corroborate." Some questions were just on spelling and grammar. The last portion was probably the biggest brainbender, measuring our logical reasoning abilities. The multiple choice question answer choices would be pictograms with shapes, and the question would be something like "Which picture shows a hexagon to the left of the square, underneath a circle, surrounded by an oval, with a triangle above the square?" After answering 50 comprehension questions and being quizzed on finding grammar mistakes, I assure you... my brain was tired. I finished my test first, panicked because I was the first one done, and re-checked my answers twice before finally turning it in.
I was awarded a 90% on my test! I guess that makes all of the headaches worth it.
Now I must wait for the next phase of the hiring process, which is some sort of a personality questionnaire that I have not yet received. Hiring to get to the Academy portion of being a Police Officer is a 12 step process, so if this is all conducted on Hawaii time (which it seems to be), it could be a while. I'll be sure to keep everyone posted.
<3
Because of my severe test anxiety (I cried and dry-heaved when my professor handed out the Art History Comp Testout in grad school), I took a prep course that allowed anyone planning to take the test to study and take pre-tests. It went great-I was aceing the tests and felt pretty confident-but I know myself and my issues with test performance under pressure.
I went to the exam early, left my completely untouched latte in my car in the sun for afterwards, double/triple checked my purse for earplugs and a #2 pencil, and waited outside of the testing site listening to Journey's "Don't Stop Believing" on my ipod. Two nervous girls were chittering about how they failed the test last time by 1%... meaning they had gotten 69% on the test (and consequently 31 questions wrong). I looked around nervously for my barista buddy that was planning on taking it as well, and saw him come in the door right at the end. **sigh of relief** Everything was gonna be okay.
On the 100-question test, about half of it was reading comprehension and summarization. Unlike the practice exams, the caliber of the language and complexity of the material to summarize was significantly higher. I started to panic just a little bit when I got to the section on Ethics, which was something not mentioned in the course. Upon further thought, you can't practice street smarts in a way that will effectively make you better at it... you either get it, or you don't. If you are socially incompetent, you would probably fail this section.
Some of the test was simply choosing the correct definitions of very uncommon words, such as "apprise" and "corroborate." Some questions were just on spelling and grammar. The last portion was probably the biggest brainbender, measuring our logical reasoning abilities. The multiple choice question answer choices would be pictograms with shapes, and the question would be something like "Which picture shows a hexagon to the left of the square, underneath a circle, surrounded by an oval, with a triangle above the square?" After answering 50 comprehension questions and being quizzed on finding grammar mistakes, I assure you... my brain was tired. I finished my test first, panicked because I was the first one done, and re-checked my answers twice before finally turning it in.
I was awarded a 90% on my test! I guess that makes all of the headaches worth it.
Now I must wait for the next phase of the hiring process, which is some sort of a personality questionnaire that I have not yet received. Hiring to get to the Academy portion of being a Police Officer is a 12 step process, so if this is all conducted on Hawaii time (which it seems to be), it could be a while. I'll be sure to keep everyone posted.
<3
Thursday, July 21, 2011
How I Want My Life To Be
How I want things to be, and the small steps I will take to make it happen
When I wake up in the morning, I want to wake up without an alarm clock. I want to be in a big bed with lots of soft pillows that have nice, matching linen on them without any tears or stains. My dog will sleep by my feet or on his new dog bed that I have bought with my first paycheck from a new job working at a job that challenges me and uses my brain. I look forward to going to work, especially when I get to take business trips to other countries. My job is demanding, and often my duties vary depending on the project. I have to be able to buckle down and get things done under tight deadlines and that challenges me. I am rewarded through the aforementioned travel as well as through networking opportunities. I will secure a promising career track within the next 5 years. Although it will be a struggle to work up the ladder, it will be a great fit for my skill set and I will be valued in my position.
Daily exposure to art inspires my own artistic practice, and I eventually have my own studio where I build up a strong enough body of art to have a show. It may not be a huge show, but it will be an honor. My exhibit will come from a lot of hard work and perseverance, but its completion will be very satisfying to me.
I envision myself making enough money to sustain a moderate standard of living that will allow me to continue with extracurriculars (roller derby) for at least another five years. Within that time frame, I will pursue several side ventures including derby boot camp instruction in other countries as well as the business project that I am currently developing with a friend. This will not be my project entirely and I will own only a small part of the company, but that will not bother me and will be more of an amusement. It will obtain some success and become an investment to me. My derby relationships will remain extremely critical in pursuing career ventures, and it will be very important to forge new connections within my derby network as I get closer to hanging up my skates. My involvement with teaching derby boot camps will secure these friendships and enlarge my social circle exponentially worldwide.
My relationship with one particular man will develop slower than I would like, but with positive results. It will be his caution that becomes the glue of its stability, and over time we will grow to be great friends and companions. We may or may not have children, but we will definitely be happy. Having a stable companion will allow me to see past the false security of a nuclear family unit and put more value on a lasting bond. If we do have kids, it will probably only be one by birth and another by adoption. Marriage may or may not happen, but that won't ruin things.
Due to the industry that I will be working in and the industry of my partner, we will travel frequently. We will both be able to utilize time in these other countries to pursue personal interests and creativity as well as justify the trips for work-related reasons. We will work as a team to establish a strong system that allows us to get away with it. I look to this man as having more of the brains to the operation, where I will have more of the labor in making arrangements and finding places to stay.
There will be large portions of time where I will be away from my partner, but I will be so occupied with work duties and Roller Derby Boot Camp Trainings that it will work out harmoniously. Both of us will find happiness in our times apart from each other as well as a renewed sense of appreciation for one another in the other's absence. It will cause us to simultaneously enjoy the time away as well as find new reasons to be together.
I will outlive my partner, but there will be many things left behind that will survive him. Our offspring will be greatly inspired by his gifts. They will have my good looks and his brains. My family will be able to work out anything with time and patience. We will be loyal and loving. I will be satisfied in death by my accomplishments, and will complete a memoir of my life's ramblings upon my partner’s death. I may be writing it in his final years. It will include many stories of my travels and experiences as well as insight to what it is like to live as a post-modern woman in the body of a naughty 60's housewife. It will be well received and my greatest work.
Concentrating on the next year of my life will involve a move to a bigger city, then a move to an even bigger city within another 5 years.
When I wake up in the morning, I want to wake up without an alarm clock. I want to be in a big bed with lots of soft pillows that have nice, matching linen on them without any tears or stains. My dog will sleep by my feet or on his new dog bed that I have bought with my first paycheck from a new job working at a job that challenges me and uses my brain. I look forward to going to work, especially when I get to take business trips to other countries. My job is demanding, and often my duties vary depending on the project. I have to be able to buckle down and get things done under tight deadlines and that challenges me. I am rewarded through the aforementioned travel as well as through networking opportunities. I will secure a promising career track within the next 5 years. Although it will be a struggle to work up the ladder, it will be a great fit for my skill set and I will be valued in my position.
Daily exposure to art inspires my own artistic practice, and I eventually have my own studio where I build up a strong enough body of art to have a show. It may not be a huge show, but it will be an honor. My exhibit will come from a lot of hard work and perseverance, but its completion will be very satisfying to me.
I envision myself making enough money to sustain a moderate standard of living that will allow me to continue with extracurriculars (roller derby) for at least another five years. Within that time frame, I will pursue several side ventures including derby boot camp instruction in other countries as well as the business project that I am currently developing with a friend. This will not be my project entirely and I will own only a small part of the company, but that will not bother me and will be more of an amusement. It will obtain some success and become an investment to me. My derby relationships will remain extremely critical in pursuing career ventures, and it will be very important to forge new connections within my derby network as I get closer to hanging up my skates. My involvement with teaching derby boot camps will secure these friendships and enlarge my social circle exponentially worldwide.
My relationship with one particular man will develop slower than I would like, but with positive results. It will be his caution that becomes the glue of its stability, and over time we will grow to be great friends and companions. We may or may not have children, but we will definitely be happy. Having a stable companion will allow me to see past the false security of a nuclear family unit and put more value on a lasting bond. If we do have kids, it will probably only be one by birth and another by adoption. Marriage may or may not happen, but that won't ruin things.
Due to the industry that I will be working in and the industry of my partner, we will travel frequently. We will both be able to utilize time in these other countries to pursue personal interests and creativity as well as justify the trips for work-related reasons. We will work as a team to establish a strong system that allows us to get away with it. I look to this man as having more of the brains to the operation, where I will have more of the labor in making arrangements and finding places to stay.
There will be large portions of time where I will be away from my partner, but I will be so occupied with work duties and Roller Derby Boot Camp Trainings that it will work out harmoniously. Both of us will find happiness in our times apart from each other as well as a renewed sense of appreciation for one another in the other's absence. It will cause us to simultaneously enjoy the time away as well as find new reasons to be together.
I will outlive my partner, but there will be many things left behind that will survive him. Our offspring will be greatly inspired by his gifts. They will have my good looks and his brains. My family will be able to work out anything with time and patience. We will be loyal and loving. I will be satisfied in death by my accomplishments, and will complete a memoir of my life's ramblings upon my partner’s death. I may be writing it in his final years. It will include many stories of my travels and experiences as well as insight to what it is like to live as a post-modern woman in the body of a naughty 60's housewife. It will be well received and my greatest work.
Concentrating on the next year of my life will involve a move to a bigger city, then a move to an even bigger city within another 5 years.
Tuesday, July 19, 2011
A recap of Hawaii's latest "TOP NEWS" stories
I've decided that Hawaiian news is ridiculously bad.
Breaking News for the Hawaiian Islands, July 19, 2011
-A driver is sought after crashing their SUV on the main road leading to my house (Kauaihau Road). This incredibly intelligent driver fled the scene of the crime on foot and left his friends in the car with injuries to deal with the police. I'm sure they'll never find him because his car wasn't registered... right? Plus... his friends would never rat him out.
-Councilman Harimoto is being pestered by someone who decided that if Portland, OR could find a way to keep smelly homeless people out of bus stops, so can Honolulu. A city comparison study on how Portland deals with bus shelter campers is going to end all of our problems. Stinky people are such a tarnish on Honolulu's clean image. I think that all people living under bus shelters should go rent apartments now in light of the outrage, and keep their stink to themselves. We could just fly them off to San Francisco, too, I suppose...
-Vandals have chopped down 10 ACRES of papaya trees on Big Island. 10 ACRES. In the middle of the night. No one heard them because they were ninjas with machetes. There is speculation that the vandals were somehow against genetically modified food. That's right: activist, machete-wielding, yuppie ninjas!
-Police in Honolulu are baffled as to how and why a 58-year-old Wahiawa man drove into oncoming traffic on H2 at 4:28am. He killed himself, and the woman who hit his Hyundai with her Toyota SUV is in critical condition. Clearly this was a case of him playing chicken and thinking that Hyundais are better than Toyotas. Hopefully this settled any rumors of Hyundais making a comeback.
-All drivers in Kauai can rest assured as a class called Traffic Skills 101 is now underway to teach uncoordinated bicyclists how to stay away from cars. In addition to learning how to look behind them while riding, recreational riders can also learn how to change a flat tire and how to look good in spandex (personally I think that they should save the fashion portion for Traffic Skills 102, since it is such a lengthy subject).
Breaking News for the Hawaiian Islands, July 19, 2011
-A driver is sought after crashing their SUV on the main road leading to my house (Kauaihau Road). This incredibly intelligent driver fled the scene of the crime on foot and left his friends in the car with injuries to deal with the police. I'm sure they'll never find him because his car wasn't registered... right? Plus... his friends would never rat him out.
-Councilman Harimoto is being pestered by someone who decided that if Portland, OR could find a way to keep smelly homeless people out of bus stops, so can Honolulu. A city comparison study on how Portland deals with bus shelter campers is going to end all of our problems. Stinky people are such a tarnish on Honolulu's clean image. I think that all people living under bus shelters should go rent apartments now in light of the outrage, and keep their stink to themselves. We could just fly them off to San Francisco, too, I suppose...
-Vandals have chopped down 10 ACRES of papaya trees on Big Island. 10 ACRES. In the middle of the night. No one heard them because they were ninjas with machetes. There is speculation that the vandals were somehow against genetically modified food. That's right: activist, machete-wielding, yuppie ninjas!
-Police in Honolulu are baffled as to how and why a 58-year-old Wahiawa man drove into oncoming traffic on H2 at 4:28am. He killed himself, and the woman who hit his Hyundai with her Toyota SUV is in critical condition. Clearly this was a case of him playing chicken and thinking that Hyundais are better than Toyotas. Hopefully this settled any rumors of Hyundais making a comeback.
-All drivers in Kauai can rest assured as a class called Traffic Skills 101 is now underway to teach uncoordinated bicyclists how to stay away from cars. In addition to learning how to look behind them while riding, recreational riders can also learn how to change a flat tire and how to look good in spandex (personally I think that they should save the fashion portion for Traffic Skills 102, since it is such a lengthy subject).
Thursday, June 23, 2011
In the Mud of Self Discovery
I feel like I've been asking myself the question of "What Should I Be When I Grow Up?" for years now. Shouldn't I know by now?
I've worked in so many fields and traveled, seen stuff, picked up weird jobs... why can't I put it all together? I'm having a career crisis that is lasting for years. This economy is still pretty bad, but then I went and moved to a rural island. What was I thinking??
Currently, I work for a nonprofit that teaches anti-drinking/drugs and no-alcohol curriculum, infusing art lessons in whenever possible to make it interesting and tolerable. On Fridays I work for the housing projects teaching art to the at-risk youth, and have to suffer through watching these poor kids deal with family members that are incarcerated and parents that are quite likely abusing them. It's really sad. It makes me cry in my car. On my off days, I try to pick up hours with my derby wife's vacation rental cleaning business, which is definitely a shift in skills and somewhat refreshing. I don't mind manual labor... it makes the time go quickly. I am in negotiations to pick up some work with a guy my roommate knows that does faux-finishing and home decoration projects, so if that happens, at least I will be getting back into the artisan industry. I lowballed him on a rate in hopes that he will take me in and give me some steady hours.
I am beginning to contemplate some other options. I don't like the idea... but a girl's got student loans... and a grocery bill.. and rent...
I've worked in so many fields and traveled, seen stuff, picked up weird jobs... why can't I put it all together? I'm having a career crisis that is lasting for years. This economy is still pretty bad, but then I went and moved to a rural island. What was I thinking??
Currently, I work for a nonprofit that teaches anti-drinking/drugs and no-alcohol curriculum, infusing art lessons in whenever possible to make it interesting and tolerable. On Fridays I work for the housing projects teaching art to the at-risk youth, and have to suffer through watching these poor kids deal with family members that are incarcerated and parents that are quite likely abusing them. It's really sad. It makes me cry in my car. On my off days, I try to pick up hours with my derby wife's vacation rental cleaning business, which is definitely a shift in skills and somewhat refreshing. I don't mind manual labor... it makes the time go quickly. I am in negotiations to pick up some work with a guy my roommate knows that does faux-finishing and home decoration projects, so if that happens, at least I will be getting back into the artisan industry. I lowballed him on a rate in hopes that he will take me in and give me some steady hours.
I am beginning to contemplate some other options. I don't like the idea... but a girl's got student loans... and a grocery bill.. and rent...
Wednesday, June 22, 2011
He Is Coming
Guard your heart
He has lovely words that sing for days,
like sirens in Bermuda
Be wary... he is coming
and you, dear, are not ready.
Look at you,
your heart dangling from ribbon,
displayed behind glass
Be warned... the buzzards are circling
the forest, silent
he has arrived
He has lovely words that sing for days,
like sirens in Bermuda
Be wary... he is coming
and you, dear, are not ready.
Look at you,
your heart dangling from ribbon,
displayed behind glass
Be warned... the buzzards are circling
the forest, silent
he has arrived
Sunday, June 5, 2011
Tasmanian devils are adorable until they eat
So, Australia was pretty epic. There were so many crazy adventures and weird experiences that I have no idea where to start...
I guess maybe with the whole reason for being there... the derby clinic. First off, two of the local papers called Misfit and I "International Roller Derby Stars," making me so nervous and embarrassed that I just about crawled in my skin. That's a hella lot of pressure! Luckily, their eyes only stayed big and starstruck upon our arrival to the clinic for the first half hour or so. Then they started to loathe us. We have really awesome endurance drills, apparently ;)
Part of what was so amazing, despite the fact that this was 10 leagues and about 150 girls, was that it was all organized by the Victorian Roller Sports Commission, led by a really cool woman who likes the derby and likes where it is headed. The ten leagues got together to do the clinic because the big league in their state, VRDL, wasn't assisting them or helping them in any way to get organized and figure out how to go about things. They brought Misfit and I in to help structure their practices and teach them drills to work on basic skills and simple strategy. Most of the skaters had never been in a bout and only a few had ever scrimmaged, so really, we were working from the ground up. They were super enthusiastic about learning new things and were really respectful of Misfit and myself, and they didn't even groan when I made them do push ups for talking while I was explaining drills..
So the clinic was two 6-hour days, with a barrage of derby stuff. Misfit and I would powwow before each day to go over what drills each of us was doing and when we would switch groups, and by the end of the weekend, I had an amazing list of new material that Misfit added to my existing spreadsheet! I'm super pumped to have such a valuable resource. The clinic was a huge success and they are already talking about bringing the two of us back in January, when all of the teams will be ready to start bouting. I am really excited about that prospect, but I don't want to get my hopes up. It's pretty tough to get away from work for that long. I hope it works out.
After we did the clinic, Blondage (the rollergirl that put us up), Misfit, TnTeegs (another skater) and myself took an adventure trip to Tasmania! We had a blast. We did a ghost tour of Port Allen, wore tiger print Snuggies in public at every opportunity, and generally made an ass of ourselves on a regular basis. The funniest part was that I was fully expecting to have to deal with a lot of drunken nights where I was babysitting three adult babies. That wasn't the case at all. Contrary to the party girl image that many derby girls portray, we barely went out! Any drinking was brief and in moderation as I sipped cocoa before bed. We're a bunch of Nanas! Haha Oh well. Shh! Don't tell anyone! We like sleep!
After a very exciting trip, we returned to Melbourne area and taught two more day clinics for two different leagues, reinforcing some of the drills we had done in the camp. It was a great experience and a great time. I hope I can figure out how to do more of this derby clinic stuff. It really suits me ;)
I guess maybe with the whole reason for being there... the derby clinic. First off, two of the local papers called Misfit and I "International Roller Derby Stars," making me so nervous and embarrassed that I just about crawled in my skin. That's a hella lot of pressure! Luckily, their eyes only stayed big and starstruck upon our arrival to the clinic for the first half hour or so. Then they started to loathe us. We have really awesome endurance drills, apparently ;)
Part of what was so amazing, despite the fact that this was 10 leagues and about 150 girls, was that it was all organized by the Victorian Roller Sports Commission, led by a really cool woman who likes the derby and likes where it is headed. The ten leagues got together to do the clinic because the big league in their state, VRDL, wasn't assisting them or helping them in any way to get organized and figure out how to go about things. They brought Misfit and I in to help structure their practices and teach them drills to work on basic skills and simple strategy. Most of the skaters had never been in a bout and only a few had ever scrimmaged, so really, we were working from the ground up. They were super enthusiastic about learning new things and were really respectful of Misfit and myself, and they didn't even groan when I made them do push ups for talking while I was explaining drills..
So the clinic was two 6-hour days, with a barrage of derby stuff. Misfit and I would powwow before each day to go over what drills each of us was doing and when we would switch groups, and by the end of the weekend, I had an amazing list of new material that Misfit added to my existing spreadsheet! I'm super pumped to have such a valuable resource. The clinic was a huge success and they are already talking about bringing the two of us back in January, when all of the teams will be ready to start bouting. I am really excited about that prospect, but I don't want to get my hopes up. It's pretty tough to get away from work for that long. I hope it works out.
After we did the clinic, Blondage (the rollergirl that put us up), Misfit, TnTeegs (another skater) and myself took an adventure trip to Tasmania! We had a blast. We did a ghost tour of Port Allen, wore tiger print Snuggies in public at every opportunity, and generally made an ass of ourselves on a regular basis. The funniest part was that I was fully expecting to have to deal with a lot of drunken nights where I was babysitting three adult babies. That wasn't the case at all. Contrary to the party girl image that many derby girls portray, we barely went out! Any drinking was brief and in moderation as I sipped cocoa before bed. We're a bunch of Nanas! Haha Oh well. Shh! Don't tell anyone! We like sleep!
After a very exciting trip, we returned to Melbourne area and taught two more day clinics for two different leagues, reinforcing some of the drills we had done in the camp. It was a great experience and a great time. I hope I can figure out how to do more of this derby clinic stuff. It really suits me ;)
Sunday, May 15, 2011
Australia, so soon!
OMG I am such a procrastinator! I've been putting off formulating some sort of a curriculum for this clinic, but really I have no idea what I'm going to put on it! I have received an email list of a few things they would like to cover, but I'm coordinating the entire clinic with Misfit over emails as she is traveling all over New Zealand and Australia and not available to have a phone conversation :/
I just have to trust that all of this will come together somehow. It's weird to think I'm leaving the country in a week and have nothing but that to prepare for. Passport in hand, dog care squared away, timesheets ready to go. I have unfortunately been shorted hours on my timecard, but maybe that will pull through for me when I get the "short" check from missing two weeks of work. This is the time when I miss "paid" vacation time.
Totally ready to have an adventure. It has been far too long since I took a trip!
I just have to trust that all of this will come together somehow. It's weird to think I'm leaving the country in a week and have nothing but that to prepare for. Passport in hand, dog care squared away, timesheets ready to go. I have unfortunately been shorted hours on my timecard, but maybe that will pull through for me when I get the "short" check from missing two weeks of work. This is the time when I miss "paid" vacation time.
Totally ready to have an adventure. It has been far too long since I took a trip!
Wednesday, April 20, 2011
Plugging Away
Trying to keep my head above water, picking up odds and ends jobs to fill in my time, tutoring, teaching art, eating too much food, procrastinating making my art piece for the Rourke Art Gallery show. Sounds like your average day in Anywhereville, USA. Slowly losing contact with friends back in MN. That part is a little depressing, but such is life. Constantly evolving, always moving forward, shapeshifting and throwing obstacles in our paths to overcome. Still doing the derby clinic with the newbies, and we're getting ready to test out. I think only a few are going to make it as many of the girls have dropped due to life circumstances. It will all be worth it if just two of them make it to the test out...
Wednesday, March 23, 2011
Tsunami Warnings, Dog Attacks, and Other Surprises
Just plugging along over here, in the middle of the Pacific ocean.
There was a 8.9 earthquake on the coast of Japan a few weeks back. Tsunami warnings sent all of Hawaii to the hilltops and Japan had a devastating surge of ocean wipe out cities in minutes. Luckily, it was just another false alarm on Kauai. Big Island and Maui received some damage from the ripple effect, but all in all, Japan loses. I watched on news clips as an ocean of black water, debris, and flames swallowed buildings and sent cruise ships and passenger trains to the depths of the sea. The earthquake had rattled the coolant systems useless in their nuclear power plant and sent the entire country of Japan, Hawaii, and part of the West Coast of the U.S. into a panic of potassium iodide tablet purchases. Entire towns near the nuclear plant were evacuated as rumors of another Chernobyl spread like wildfire.
I had friends from all over calling to see if I was alive the day after the tsunami warning, and even though I was safely tucked in my bed that night on the top of a mountain ridge, I was watching Japan disappear on the news and thinking I might possibly die, too. Was that wave coming HERE? The countdown was the worst. We knew it was coming for hours. How big was not determined. Kauai would be hit first among the islands, which in my mind meant we would see the biggest surge. As I read about how a tsunami works, wrapping around my island from all sides and pushing everything in its path forward in a giant rush of tide, panic rose in my throat. I peered out my window, 2am, pitch black, towards the oceanfront I knew was there but could not see. Was I safe? I wasn't really sure. These are fears I've never had before. Tornadoes in the Midwest were a frightening possibility, but we had false alarms every summer, and for some reason they didn't scare me. I used to wonder why some of the students would howl and sob in the corridors of elementary school when we had tornado drills. I know, now, that perhaps a tornado was just as scary to them as this tsunami appeared to me. Unplanned, unheard of in my lifetime, and completely foreign. I didn't know how to react. I had people telling me to fill my bathtub with water, and others telling me to go to sleep, that it was nothing. What was I supposed to do? I decided to lie awake in bed until the witching hour of 3am had come and gone, uneventful. Finally I fell asleep, wind blowing peacefully through my window. Maybe next time it will be real, though. Maybe next time, I'll have an ocean outside of my window. Life is so unpredictable. Yet again, I am reminded that life is short. Yet again, I look at my bucket list and realize that I have a LOT of shit to accomplish!
Last week Oscar had his own scary moment, with a worse outcome.
I let him out to pee on a Monday morning, and when I turned away from the door, he bolted for the fence, broke through it, chased down a loose chihuahua, and tore into it. I think it would have died had I gotten there a few minutes later. The owner was of course hysterical, squealing as if her child were being slaughtered by a pack of wolves.
Of course that's what the neighbors thought.
The ex-husband screamed at me for owning such a miserable beast, that I should kill him, as I pried my dogs jaws off of the squeaky toy-sized animal. I carried my beast home in my arms, his confused expression telling me all I needed to know about his "attack." That chihuahua had earned it. They let that thing roam the block on a regular basis, and this time, he got too close to the fence. My dog's prey drive kicked in, and the hunt was on. Of COURSE I don't condone chihuahua slaughters, but I can hardly blame my dog for doing what dogs do. I can't fight against hundreds of years of genetics. I can't take the drive out of a dog that was bred to hunt rodents, protect homes, and fight. I was cited by the county for off-leash violation and must appear in court in April to determine my penalty. In the meantime, I am trying to pay the vet bill for the chihuahua, which, luckily, was pretty minor. I also put out a "runner" in the yard so that Oscar will be tethered and will not be able to breach the fence again. I started working with an animal behaviorist on Monday and she is helping me to redirect his attentions on walks and get him under control even off-leash. We have our work cut out for us, but it is a labor of love.
Surprisingly, my derby infatuation and devotion is beginning to pay off; I have successfully bartered private roller derby training for dog obedience training, and the fun doesn't stop there! Starting the Newbie Clinic on Saturdays has led to exciting prospects. Misfit Maiden of Minnesota Rollergirls has been traveling around New Zealand and Australia, and recently stumbled upon a leader of several leagues in AU that would like to hire her and MYSELF to run a Derby Clinic! They are paying for everything... flight, accommodations, food, and a grand stipend on top of it for my time! Funniest thing is, I never realized how much derby experience I was accumulating as I traveled down my road of life. Did I know I've been playing derby for 5 years already?! Holy cow! I had no idea! It's true. I started playing derby in 2007. I have played with three different leagues and was a key player and developer on two of them. I helped draft the constitution and bylaws for Oahu, and am currently drafting a constitution/bylaws for Kauai! OMG! I'm all official and stuff! I wonder if everyone has that epiphany moment in life when they realize that it's not all for nothing, and that experience really does take you somewhere... I'm so surprised, and so excited! The Bonesetter, also a former MNRG skater, has joined forces with several other skaters to form Triple Threat, another derby clinic training group. I am starting to network and explore possibilities of joining them for trainings overseas! The possibilities, as derby expands beyond the United States, are endless! At this point, I'm very excited, a little bit nervous and insecure, but also really ready to start reaping what I sow.
I have put a lot of effort, money and sacrifice into roller derby. It's about flipping time for that payback! AU in May, beeyatch!! Woot!!
"Work" remains undefined and strange. I am tutoring 2 days a week now at the Hawaiian Immersion School, where I have learned that students begin to learn English speaking and writing at the 5th grade level. I have plenty of opinions on this matter, but due to the fact that I am still learning and investigating this schooling concept from an insider's perspective, I am remaining mute on the subject. I am also working with the arts nonprofit to teach art therapy several times a month, art after school for at-risk youth in the low-income housing on Fridays, and FINALLY have received the curriculum guide for the program I was originally hired on for. We meet today to go over a battle plan on how to incorporate the expected curriculum through an art-based lesson strategy. I am excited to feel like I am earning my paycheck, and relieved to get the ball rolling so that grant resources are not being mishandled for my paycheck.
In other art-related news, Jim O'Rourke, mastermind and co-founder of the Rourke Museum in Moorhead, MN, has passed away due to a fall in his home. He will be sorely missed by the Midwest art community. I am pleased that his museum and all of it's exhibits scheduled will continue on undisturbed, including the annual Midwestern Art Invitational that I enter into every year with my father. I am currently working on my submission for this year's theme, "What Would Dante Do?" I had a quick trip back to MN a month ago and managed to find some pretty amazing pieces to use for my idea. Photos and details to come!
Staying busy, checking off items on the bucket list, realizing dreams, and tapping potential. Sounds like a good use of my life. Poverty is gonna lose, I swear!
There was a 8.9 earthquake on the coast of Japan a few weeks back. Tsunami warnings sent all of Hawaii to the hilltops and Japan had a devastating surge of ocean wipe out cities in minutes. Luckily, it was just another false alarm on Kauai. Big Island and Maui received some damage from the ripple effect, but all in all, Japan loses. I watched on news clips as an ocean of black water, debris, and flames swallowed buildings and sent cruise ships and passenger trains to the depths of the sea. The earthquake had rattled the coolant systems useless in their nuclear power plant and sent the entire country of Japan, Hawaii, and part of the West Coast of the U.S. into a panic of potassium iodide tablet purchases. Entire towns near the nuclear plant were evacuated as rumors of another Chernobyl spread like wildfire.
I had friends from all over calling to see if I was alive the day after the tsunami warning, and even though I was safely tucked in my bed that night on the top of a mountain ridge, I was watching Japan disappear on the news and thinking I might possibly die, too. Was that wave coming HERE? The countdown was the worst. We knew it was coming for hours. How big was not determined. Kauai would be hit first among the islands, which in my mind meant we would see the biggest surge. As I read about how a tsunami works, wrapping around my island from all sides and pushing everything in its path forward in a giant rush of tide, panic rose in my throat. I peered out my window, 2am, pitch black, towards the oceanfront I knew was there but could not see. Was I safe? I wasn't really sure. These are fears I've never had before. Tornadoes in the Midwest were a frightening possibility, but we had false alarms every summer, and for some reason they didn't scare me. I used to wonder why some of the students would howl and sob in the corridors of elementary school when we had tornado drills. I know, now, that perhaps a tornado was just as scary to them as this tsunami appeared to me. Unplanned, unheard of in my lifetime, and completely foreign. I didn't know how to react. I had people telling me to fill my bathtub with water, and others telling me to go to sleep, that it was nothing. What was I supposed to do? I decided to lie awake in bed until the witching hour of 3am had come and gone, uneventful. Finally I fell asleep, wind blowing peacefully through my window. Maybe next time it will be real, though. Maybe next time, I'll have an ocean outside of my window. Life is so unpredictable. Yet again, I am reminded that life is short. Yet again, I look at my bucket list and realize that I have a LOT of shit to accomplish!
Last week Oscar had his own scary moment, with a worse outcome.
I let him out to pee on a Monday morning, and when I turned away from the door, he bolted for the fence, broke through it, chased down a loose chihuahua, and tore into it. I think it would have died had I gotten there a few minutes later. The owner was of course hysterical, squealing as if her child were being slaughtered by a pack of wolves.
Of course that's what the neighbors thought.
The ex-husband screamed at me for owning such a miserable beast, that I should kill him, as I pried my dogs jaws off of the squeaky toy-sized animal. I carried my beast home in my arms, his confused expression telling me all I needed to know about his "attack." That chihuahua had earned it. They let that thing roam the block on a regular basis, and this time, he got too close to the fence. My dog's prey drive kicked in, and the hunt was on. Of COURSE I don't condone chihuahua slaughters, but I can hardly blame my dog for doing what dogs do. I can't fight against hundreds of years of genetics. I can't take the drive out of a dog that was bred to hunt rodents, protect homes, and fight. I was cited by the county for off-leash violation and must appear in court in April to determine my penalty. In the meantime, I am trying to pay the vet bill for the chihuahua, which, luckily, was pretty minor. I also put out a "runner" in the yard so that Oscar will be tethered and will not be able to breach the fence again. I started working with an animal behaviorist on Monday and she is helping me to redirect his attentions on walks and get him under control even off-leash. We have our work cut out for us, but it is a labor of love.
Surprisingly, my derby infatuation and devotion is beginning to pay off; I have successfully bartered private roller derby training for dog obedience training, and the fun doesn't stop there! Starting the Newbie Clinic on Saturdays has led to exciting prospects. Misfit Maiden of Minnesota Rollergirls has been traveling around New Zealand and Australia, and recently stumbled upon a leader of several leagues in AU that would like to hire her and MYSELF to run a Derby Clinic! They are paying for everything... flight, accommodations, food, and a grand stipend on top of it for my time! Funniest thing is, I never realized how much derby experience I was accumulating as I traveled down my road of life. Did I know I've been playing derby for 5 years already?! Holy cow! I had no idea! It's true. I started playing derby in 2007. I have played with three different leagues and was a key player and developer on two of them. I helped draft the constitution and bylaws for Oahu, and am currently drafting a constitution/bylaws for Kauai! OMG! I'm all official and stuff! I wonder if everyone has that epiphany moment in life when they realize that it's not all for nothing, and that experience really does take you somewhere... I'm so surprised, and so excited! The Bonesetter, also a former MNRG skater, has joined forces with several other skaters to form Triple Threat, another derby clinic training group. I am starting to network and explore possibilities of joining them for trainings overseas! The possibilities, as derby expands beyond the United States, are endless! At this point, I'm very excited, a little bit nervous and insecure, but also really ready to start reaping what I sow.
I have put a lot of effort, money and sacrifice into roller derby. It's about flipping time for that payback! AU in May, beeyatch!! Woot!!
"Work" remains undefined and strange. I am tutoring 2 days a week now at the Hawaiian Immersion School, where I have learned that students begin to learn English speaking and writing at the 5th grade level. I have plenty of opinions on this matter, but due to the fact that I am still learning and investigating this schooling concept from an insider's perspective, I am remaining mute on the subject. I am also working with the arts nonprofit to teach art therapy several times a month, art after school for at-risk youth in the low-income housing on Fridays, and FINALLY have received the curriculum guide for the program I was originally hired on for. We meet today to go over a battle plan on how to incorporate the expected curriculum through an art-based lesson strategy. I am excited to feel like I am earning my paycheck, and relieved to get the ball rolling so that grant resources are not being mishandled for my paycheck.
In other art-related news, Jim O'Rourke, mastermind and co-founder of the Rourke Museum in Moorhead, MN, has passed away due to a fall in his home. He will be sorely missed by the Midwest art community. I am pleased that his museum and all of it's exhibits scheduled will continue on undisturbed, including the annual Midwestern Art Invitational that I enter into every year with my father. I am currently working on my submission for this year's theme, "What Would Dante Do?" I had a quick trip back to MN a month ago and managed to find some pretty amazing pieces to use for my idea. Photos and details to come!
Staying busy, checking off items on the bucket list, realizing dreams, and tapping potential. Sounds like a good use of my life. Poverty is gonna lose, I swear!
Friday, February 4, 2011
Medical Termination and Hawaiian Immersion School
Ah... the words "Medical Termination," so bittersweet, bring slushy and somewhat acid-reflux sensations to my innards.
I thought it was all working out okay, the poverty cycle, the return to work, the endless amount of busywork being handed off to me... but right when I started to feel sure of it all, I got these pains in my neck. Literally. It would suffice to say that my boss helped bring them on, as I believe it may be attributed to my extended bedrest and "work from home" arrangement with my laptop on my stomach for hours on end. Apparently having your chin on your chest for 12+ hours a day can result in serious neck problems.
Alas, I was medically terminated from the govt. job and relieved of my worldly duties at the college. It was not a bitter ending. I was glad to do it. Unfortunately I'm still having trouble with my neck, but after living through one quack of a Chiropractor and then landing into the safety net of a new one who knows what he's doing, I can safely say that I am on the mend. I will be back to my old self in no time.
My main concern is the new job that I have taken on. Opportunities abound in the fingerpainting art world as schools K-8 have eliminated art from the curriculum. They eliminated music, too, which surprises me... but I suppose I shouldn't be surprised. After all, "art" and "music" are really just aristocratic luxuries done by the bored and lazy, right? Well, at least the educational system knows that they are the poorest industries and therefore shouldn't foster them. What concerns me the most is that due to a complete elimination of such things from education, thousands upon millions of kids that are not math and science inclined are going to slip through the cracks. They'll be lost and struggling, and not know why they feel that way. I can't imagine having gone through school without them. That's what I was good at. If I had only the subjects that made me cry and frustrated me to no end, surely my self-esteem would have plummeted. Surely I wouldn't have gone on to college.
Even more sad is that now "art" is replaced by coloring in a cartoon with crayons or colored pencils. This change is now directly upon me, as I have begun to "teach" after school art. I have an hour and a half to work some magic. I don't know where to begin.
I have also begun tutoring at a Hawaiian Immersion school, with even more disturbing curriculum than regular public schools; they don't learn English. It was nuts... I felt like I was in another country. Kinda cool, the whole idea behind preserving a culture... but let's assess this for a second. Sure, I've heard of language camp and magnet schools where a second language becomes the focus... but NO English? How will they ever get into college? I've only gone to tutor one day and really don't know much about the structure of this school... but my kneejerk reaction is that this is a HUGE disadvantage to every student enrolled. Hawaii is already last in the nation for education. How the hell will this help students catch up? They won't even be able to write an application essay.
I thought it was all working out okay, the poverty cycle, the return to work, the endless amount of busywork being handed off to me... but right when I started to feel sure of it all, I got these pains in my neck. Literally. It would suffice to say that my boss helped bring them on, as I believe it may be attributed to my extended bedrest and "work from home" arrangement with my laptop on my stomach for hours on end. Apparently having your chin on your chest for 12+ hours a day can result in serious neck problems.
Alas, I was medically terminated from the govt. job and relieved of my worldly duties at the college. It was not a bitter ending. I was glad to do it. Unfortunately I'm still having trouble with my neck, but after living through one quack of a Chiropractor and then landing into the safety net of a new one who knows what he's doing, I can safely say that I am on the mend. I will be back to my old self in no time.
My main concern is the new job that I have taken on. Opportunities abound in the fingerpainting art world as schools K-8 have eliminated art from the curriculum. They eliminated music, too, which surprises me... but I suppose I shouldn't be surprised. After all, "art" and "music" are really just aristocratic luxuries done by the bored and lazy, right? Well, at least the educational system knows that they are the poorest industries and therefore shouldn't foster them. What concerns me the most is that due to a complete elimination of such things from education, thousands upon millions of kids that are not math and science inclined are going to slip through the cracks. They'll be lost and struggling, and not know why they feel that way. I can't imagine having gone through school without them. That's what I was good at. If I had only the subjects that made me cry and frustrated me to no end, surely my self-esteem would have plummeted. Surely I wouldn't have gone on to college.
Even more sad is that now "art" is replaced by coloring in a cartoon with crayons or colored pencils. This change is now directly upon me, as I have begun to "teach" after school art. I have an hour and a half to work some magic. I don't know where to begin.
I have also begun tutoring at a Hawaiian Immersion school, with even more disturbing curriculum than regular public schools; they don't learn English. It was nuts... I felt like I was in another country. Kinda cool, the whole idea behind preserving a culture... but let's assess this for a second. Sure, I've heard of language camp and magnet schools where a second language becomes the focus... but NO English? How will they ever get into college? I've only gone to tutor one day and really don't know much about the structure of this school... but my kneejerk reaction is that this is a HUGE disadvantage to every student enrolled. Hawaii is already last in the nation for education. How the hell will this help students catch up? They won't even be able to write an application essay.
Thursday, January 6, 2011
3 Topics of Interest That I Felt Like Mentioning
1) I need the Dog Whisperer. Sometimes Oscar and I watch episodes together. I tell him it's his homework. He has small animal prey drive and I can't seem to break it. Whenever he sees something, he goes into "the red zone," as I call it, and I can't break his concentration. He just loses his shit. I've tried everything but an E-collar. I bought one, but I'm scared to use it on him. He needs something, though. A month ago he slipped out the gate and almost mauled a corgi. I had to tackle him and pry his jaws off of the poor dog. The dog wasn't hurt, but Oscar had defensive bites all over. This is not the kind of dog I want to own, and I want to be a responsible pet owner and do something before he actually hurts something... or kills it. That said, he's generally a high-energy marshmallow with a sweet disposition and is eager to please. Very endearing. Follows me everywhere and loves to cuddle. It's like he has multiple personality disorder.
2) Cooking disasters? No! Not me... okay, okay... maybe just a few. My mother, bless her heart, was not that great of a cook. She tried, but my siblings and I grew up "saving" things from the stove top before they turned into charred blobs. I have come a long way, but there are still some things I fail at. One is cooking steak. I always seem to overcook it. I know you're supposed to pull it off before it's to where you like it, but somehow I never get it right. I like my steak a healthy medium. I used to work in a lot of fine dining restaurants, so I definitely know ABOUT food, just not necessarily how to cook it. Another thing I need to work on is Alfredo sauce. Always seems grainy. I know I'm doing something wrong. Last thing I need to master, and soon, is how to blind bake a pie crust, like for a quiche. I just made one the other day and even though I thought I HAD blind baked it long enough, it was still mushy on the bottom. To make matters worse, the egg mixture didn't set fast enough and the crust edges got a little overdone.
So you see... I'm not a "toast and macaroni" type disaster... but rather, an "intermediate" "disaster. I would love to get more knowledge on some of the really basic cooking stuff I have never learned properly. You know... like sauces, crusts and breads, meats, etc. Specialties include Swedish Meatballs over garlic mashed potatoes w/ homemade cranberry sauce, lemon and dill salmon steak with flash fried green beans and a dollop of dijon mustard, and pretty much anything involving potatoes. I love potatoes :) When I was younger, I tried to bake every cake recipe in my mom's Betty Crocker cookbook. I don't think I got through them all, but I really enjoy baking. Okay, I love food. There. Now it's really obvious. I swear I work out, too! Haha
3) Roller derby is a legitimate sport now. sh*tlike flying elbows and clotheslines went out about 5 years ago. 4 years ago, at the end of my rookie season, fighting became illegal and cause for ejection and suspension. So... now, there are more rules than hockey. There is occasionally still a fight, but it is entirely legit. Bad blood happens between some of the rival teams. There is a committee that just got derby recognized by the Olympics organization, so expect to see it even more over time. There are a lot of injuries, like any sport. Common are broken legs, busted knees, and broken ribs. I've broken my right hand and my left wrist in derby. I will keep playing as long as my body lets me. My best friend started derby in D.C. 1/2 year ago. She was warming up prior to her first bout after being drafted, fell, and pulverized both bones. 2 plates and 13 screws later, she is just now walking without crutches. She will never play derby again. It's a love of the sport and a lifestyle that keeps me at it. Great for self-esteem, derby is a sport for ANY body type. Asses are... assets. Which is great. Cuz I have a nice ass. haha
2) Cooking disasters? No! Not me... okay, okay... maybe just a few. My mother, bless her heart, was not that great of a cook. She tried, but my siblings and I grew up "saving" things from the stove top before they turned into charred blobs. I have come a long way, but there are still some things I fail at. One is cooking steak. I always seem to overcook it. I know you're supposed to pull it off before it's to where you like it, but somehow I never get it right. I like my steak a healthy medium. I used to work in a lot of fine dining restaurants, so I definitely know ABOUT food, just not necessarily how to cook it. Another thing I need to work on is Alfredo sauce. Always seems grainy. I know I'm doing something wrong. Last thing I need to master, and soon, is how to blind bake a pie crust, like for a quiche. I just made one the other day and even though I thought I HAD blind baked it long enough, it was still mushy on the bottom. To make matters worse, the egg mixture didn't set fast enough and the crust edges got a little overdone.
So you see... I'm not a "toast and macaroni" type disaster... but rather, an "intermediate" "disaster. I would love to get more knowledge on some of the really basic cooking stuff I have never learned properly. You know... like sauces, crusts and breads, meats, etc. Specialties include Swedish Meatballs over garlic mashed potatoes w/ homemade cranberry sauce, lemon and dill salmon steak with flash fried green beans and a dollop of dijon mustard, and pretty much anything involving potatoes. I love potatoes :) When I was younger, I tried to bake every cake recipe in my mom's Betty Crocker cookbook. I don't think I got through them all, but I really enjoy baking. Okay, I love food. There. Now it's really obvious. I swear I work out, too! Haha
3) Roller derby is a legitimate sport now. sh*tlike flying elbows and clotheslines went out about 5 years ago. 4 years ago, at the end of my rookie season, fighting became illegal and cause for ejection and suspension. So... now, there are more rules than hockey. There is occasionally still a fight, but it is entirely legit. Bad blood happens between some of the rival teams. There is a committee that just got derby recognized by the Olympics organization, so expect to see it even more over time. There are a lot of injuries, like any sport. Common are broken legs, busted knees, and broken ribs. I've broken my right hand and my left wrist in derby. I will keep playing as long as my body lets me. My best friend started derby in D.C. 1/2 year ago. She was warming up prior to her first bout after being drafted, fell, and pulverized both bones. 2 plates and 13 screws later, she is just now walking without crutches. She will never play derby again. It's a love of the sport and a lifestyle that keeps me at it. Great for self-esteem, derby is a sport for ANY body type. Asses are... assets. Which is great. Cuz I have a nice ass. haha
Wednesday, January 5, 2011
You Have a Beautiful Soul. Wanna Fuck?
"Beauty is in the eye of the beholder."
Pretty much sums it up.
What I consider beautiful, someone else considers to be a pile of lard that has been stuffed into pantyhose and stitched crudely with industrial thread. They might gag when they discover it is lard, but I see it as a unique and valuable object that acts as a vehicle for a great idea in my head. To me, it is beautiful. Beauty, in my environment, is what draws emotion and a sentimental reminisce of positive times and experiences, feelings. Beauty is not necessarily skin deep, but can be (there is no mistaking that a beautiful woman or man will draw out the aforementioned feelings).
I am not one to deny the importance of physical beauty. Mental aspects are far more beautiful to me, however). I am willing to overlook quite a bit when a strong, healthy and curious mind is attached to a less than perfect exterior. In fact, I prefer it. I find that most beautiful people who appear flawless have deepset emotional issues, anyway, so really, their outer beauty is just a mask. I'm not into GQ and Cosmo physiques because there is nothing to squeeze. They don't even appear human to me. Like cyborgs. Models in magazines aren't perfect either, actually. Even my roommate has learned some photoshop tricks to shrink her arm fat in photos and tone up her tummy. She calls it the "photoshop diet." Deceitful? Yes. Common? Absolutely. I think just about every honest woman I know admits their flaws, and 9/10 say it's a physical one. I know some really beautiful souls, but sometimes the outer shell gets way more attention. It's a pity, but it's the way our culture portrays ideals. Having a beautiful soul won't get you laid (at least not very often).
I've done a ton of research on this, as my thesis work revolved almost entirely on body image and body modification over the course of centuries and throughout the world. I could go on and on about this subject for a really long time, but I'm thinking that might be more than I need to write on right now... so I'm going to stop.
Pretty much sums it up.
What I consider beautiful, someone else considers to be a pile of lard that has been stuffed into pantyhose and stitched crudely with industrial thread. They might gag when they discover it is lard, but I see it as a unique and valuable object that acts as a vehicle for a great idea in my head. To me, it is beautiful. Beauty, in my environment, is what draws emotion and a sentimental reminisce of positive times and experiences, feelings. Beauty is not necessarily skin deep, but can be (there is no mistaking that a beautiful woman or man will draw out the aforementioned feelings).
I am not one to deny the importance of physical beauty. Mental aspects are far more beautiful to me, however). I am willing to overlook quite a bit when a strong, healthy and curious mind is attached to a less than perfect exterior. In fact, I prefer it. I find that most beautiful people who appear flawless have deepset emotional issues, anyway, so really, their outer beauty is just a mask. I'm not into GQ and Cosmo physiques because there is nothing to squeeze. They don't even appear human to me. Like cyborgs. Models in magazines aren't perfect either, actually. Even my roommate has learned some photoshop tricks to shrink her arm fat in photos and tone up her tummy. She calls it the "photoshop diet." Deceitful? Yes. Common? Absolutely. I think just about every honest woman I know admits their flaws, and 9/10 say it's a physical one. I know some really beautiful souls, but sometimes the outer shell gets way more attention. It's a pity, but it's the way our culture portrays ideals. Having a beautiful soul won't get you laid (at least not very often).
I've done a ton of research on this, as my thesis work revolved almost entirely on body image and body modification over the course of centuries and throughout the world. I could go on and on about this subject for a really long time, but I'm thinking that might be more than I need to write on right now... so I'm going to stop.
Intentional Poverty Sufferings and Other Guilty Pleasures
This morning the espresso shots in my mocha were burnt, and I am still bitter.
I truly believe that if you start your day off with one of the simple pleasures in life that makes you happy, your whole attitude is contagiously happy. I used to just get regular mochas because I love chocolate... and Starbucks mocha chocolate sauce mix is almost like dark chocolate, which is even better. Then I started to get kinda bored with it. Raspberry is the newer addition, but I occasionally get coconut or almond to change it up. I'm not diehard about too many rituals, but my morning coffee is one of them. Without it, I feel like something is missing. There is a rollergirl friend at the Starbucks near my house, and she knows what I like. All I have to do is show up now, which is really nice when I'm overly tired and late for work. I kind of fumble through mornings. They are not one of my strengths.
I can do drip brew coffee on lazy weekends when I REALLY don't want to leave the house in my Strawberry Shortcake pajamas, but I have to have creamer. Not sugar in that, just creamer. Could be half and half if the coffee is really good... but if it's "flavored" coffee that my roommate has made out of her stash, I try to kill it's "flavor with a shitload of flavored creamer. *shudder*
Usually that's a fail, and I end up reluctantly changing out of said pajamas and driving to Starbucks. Damned flavored coffee.
Am I the "type" of person to order the same thing in a restaurant that I go to regularly? Well... I don't really go to any restaurants regularly right now. I do a LOT of cooking at home. I love food. I love going out to nice places... but I don't have any money at the moment, so I default on kitchen activities. Yesterday I made beef stew, and that's what I'm having for lunch today and tomorrow. I also made homemade gravy from the drippings to go over it. While I was cooking the stew, I also threw together a ham and cheese quiche, also from scratch. That's how I roll. I am a believer in homemade meals. I'm not a downright snob to readymade meals in the freezer section, but some things NEED to be made from scratch... like mashed potatoes and gravy. Mmmms.
Back to the restaurant thing... when I CAN afford to go out, it depends on the place. A lot of times I'll be in the mood for something in particular and will make a beeline for it... but other times I'm in an exploratory mood. I will try most things that fall within acceptable perimeters. Not big on eel sushi or uni shooters (the one with the raw quail egg and sea urchin), but I'll tear up some spicy ahi dragon rolls. Also, not too good for Spam. Very underrated meat, and very versatile. I do like a well cooked steak, but Spam will do as a breakfast food with eggs.
Oh, govt job, how you make me suffer!!
Please don't think I am worthy of praise and commendation for my govt poverty ambitions. I would love to say it was all out of the goodness of my heart that I have sacrificed a well paying job and a 1904 Victorian house on the bluff of the Mississippi River to serve the Hawaii school system, but in reality, there were some ambitious goals that I have realized upon servitude. One of them is to move to Hawaii. Another is freezing my school loan debt, which is constantly threatening to slaughter my unborn children for their blood and organs. Another, still, is the somewhat noble but also rather selfish reason of wanting to clip away from the safety net of my wonderful family and lifelong friends. Sometimes a woman just wants to know she can go at it alone.
Now that I have gotten to this point, I am ready to ditch the program prematurely in pursuit of a real job that pays me a living wage. I am sick of spreading out $200 in food stamps to last the entire month, and sick of juggling bills and gas money for my car so that I can keep the car insured and drive to work to pay the bills and have gas money. It's a huge pain in the ass to live with absolutely no money.
I'm not really feeling the altruism this program likes to pat us on the back for emanating, and I honestly think that the project I was put on last year was a complete failure (not because of what I did, but because the program was poorly executed. Not every program can succeed, I suppose). Perhaps if I had served my country in the Army or the Navy or the Marines, I would have less of a chip on my shoulder about the government and its programs. Unfortunately, I am a bit jaded. I look forward to becoming somewhat successful at something that is non-government related and is pleasurable, of which salary I can go out to eat sometimes, and occasionally splurge on some random sweater vest for my dog (kidding).
I fear I may lack discipline. That's another reason why I'm punishing myself with this job. Haha
I do care about the welfare of others, and I do enjoy and feel compelled to give back... but I am also finding that a part of me needs more... for me. Maybe that is selfish behavior, but I carry the fault of putting everyone else before me a lot of the time... and I'm ready to start getting something back. I don't know how that will be. It could just be traveling and seeing the world. That would certainly make me happy. I would love to start an Arts Center and make work again. These are some of the ideas I've been thinking about. We'll see what happens.
I truly believe that if you start your day off with one of the simple pleasures in life that makes you happy, your whole attitude is contagiously happy. I used to just get regular mochas because I love chocolate... and Starbucks mocha chocolate sauce mix is almost like dark chocolate, which is even better. Then I started to get kinda bored with it. Raspberry is the newer addition, but I occasionally get coconut or almond to change it up. I'm not diehard about too many rituals, but my morning coffee is one of them. Without it, I feel like something is missing. There is a rollergirl friend at the Starbucks near my house, and she knows what I like. All I have to do is show up now, which is really nice when I'm overly tired and late for work. I kind of fumble through mornings. They are not one of my strengths.
I can do drip brew coffee on lazy weekends when I REALLY don't want to leave the house in my Strawberry Shortcake pajamas, but I have to have creamer. Not sugar in that, just creamer. Could be half and half if the coffee is really good... but if it's "flavored" coffee that my roommate has made out of her stash, I try to kill it's "flavor with a shitload of flavored creamer. *shudder*
Usually that's a fail, and I end up reluctantly changing out of said pajamas and driving to Starbucks. Damned flavored coffee.
Am I the "type" of person to order the same thing in a restaurant that I go to regularly? Well... I don't really go to any restaurants regularly right now. I do a LOT of cooking at home. I love food. I love going out to nice places... but I don't have any money at the moment, so I default on kitchen activities. Yesterday I made beef stew, and that's what I'm having for lunch today and tomorrow. I also made homemade gravy from the drippings to go over it. While I was cooking the stew, I also threw together a ham and cheese quiche, also from scratch. That's how I roll. I am a believer in homemade meals. I'm not a downright snob to readymade meals in the freezer section, but some things NEED to be made from scratch... like mashed potatoes and gravy. Mmmms.
Back to the restaurant thing... when I CAN afford to go out, it depends on the place. A lot of times I'll be in the mood for something in particular and will make a beeline for it... but other times I'm in an exploratory mood. I will try most things that fall within acceptable perimeters. Not big on eel sushi or uni shooters (the one with the raw quail egg and sea urchin), but I'll tear up some spicy ahi dragon rolls. Also, not too good for Spam. Very underrated meat, and very versatile. I do like a well cooked steak, but Spam will do as a breakfast food with eggs.
Oh, govt job, how you make me suffer!!
Please don't think I am worthy of praise and commendation for my govt poverty ambitions. I would love to say it was all out of the goodness of my heart that I have sacrificed a well paying job and a 1904 Victorian house on the bluff of the Mississippi River to serve the Hawaii school system, but in reality, there were some ambitious goals that I have realized upon servitude. One of them is to move to Hawaii. Another is freezing my school loan debt, which is constantly threatening to slaughter my unborn children for their blood and organs. Another, still, is the somewhat noble but also rather selfish reason of wanting to clip away from the safety net of my wonderful family and lifelong friends. Sometimes a woman just wants to know she can go at it alone.
Now that I have gotten to this point, I am ready to ditch the program prematurely in pursuit of a real job that pays me a living wage. I am sick of spreading out $200 in food stamps to last the entire month, and sick of juggling bills and gas money for my car so that I can keep the car insured and drive to work to pay the bills and have gas money. It's a huge pain in the ass to live with absolutely no money.
I'm not really feeling the altruism this program likes to pat us on the back for emanating, and I honestly think that the project I was put on last year was a complete failure (not because of what I did, but because the program was poorly executed. Not every program can succeed, I suppose). Perhaps if I had served my country in the Army or the Navy or the Marines, I would have less of a chip on my shoulder about the government and its programs. Unfortunately, I am a bit jaded. I look forward to becoming somewhat successful at something that is non-government related and is pleasurable, of which salary I can go out to eat sometimes, and occasionally splurge on some random sweater vest for my dog (kidding).
I fear I may lack discipline. That's another reason why I'm punishing myself with this job. Haha
I do care about the welfare of others, and I do enjoy and feel compelled to give back... but I am also finding that a part of me needs more... for me. Maybe that is selfish behavior, but I carry the fault of putting everyone else before me a lot of the time... and I'm ready to start getting something back. I don't know how that will be. It could just be traveling and seeing the world. That would certainly make me happy. I would love to start an Arts Center and make work again. These are some of the ideas I've been thinking about. We'll see what happens.
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