Intentional Poverty Sufferings and Other Guilty Pleasures

This morning the espresso shots in my mocha were burnt, and I am still bitter.

I truly believe that if you start your day off with one of the simple pleasures in life that makes you happy, your whole attitude is contagiously happy. I used to just get regular mochas because I love chocolate... and Starbucks mocha chocolate sauce mix is almost like dark chocolate, which is even better. Then I started to get kinda bored with it. Raspberry is the newer addition, but I occasionally get coconut or almond to change it up. I'm not diehard about too many rituals, but my morning coffee is one of them. Without it, I feel like something is missing. There is a rollergirl friend at the Starbucks near my house, and she knows what I like. All I have to do is show up now, which is really nice when I'm overly tired and late for work. I kind of fumble through mornings. They are not one of my strengths.
I can do drip brew coffee on lazy weekends when I REALLY don't want to leave the house in my Strawberry Shortcake pajamas, but I have to have creamer. Not sugar in that, just creamer. Could be half and half if the coffee is really good... but if it's "flavored" coffee that my roommate has made out of her stash, I try to kill it's "flavor with a shitload of flavored creamer. *shudder*
Usually that's a fail, and I end up reluctantly changing out of said pajamas and driving to Starbucks. Damned flavored coffee.

Am I the "type" of person to order the same thing in a restaurant that I go to regularly? Well... I don't really go to any restaurants regularly right now. I do a LOT of cooking at home. I love food. I love going out to nice places... but I don't have any money at the moment, so I default on kitchen activities. Yesterday I made beef stew, and that's what I'm having for lunch today and tomorrow. I also made homemade gravy from the drippings to go over it. While I was cooking the stew, I also threw together a ham and cheese quiche, also from scratch. That's how I roll. I am a believer in homemade meals. I'm not a downright snob to readymade meals in the freezer section, but some things NEED to be made from scratch... like mashed potatoes and gravy. Mmmms.
Back to the restaurant thing... when I CAN afford to go out, it depends on the place. A lot of times I'll be in the mood for something in particular and will make a beeline for it... but other times I'm in an exploratory mood. I will try most things that fall within acceptable perimeters. Not big on eel sushi or uni shooters (the one with the raw quail egg and sea urchin), but I'll tear up some spicy ahi dragon rolls. Also, not too good for Spam. Very underrated meat, and very versatile. I do like a well cooked steak, but Spam will do as a breakfast food with eggs.

Oh, govt job, how you make me suffer!!


Please don't think I am worthy of praise and commendation for my govt poverty ambitions. I would love to say it was all out of the goodness of my heart that I have sacrificed a well paying job and a 1904 Victorian house on the bluff of the Mississippi River to serve the Hawaii school system, but in reality, there were some ambitious goals that I have realized upon servitude. One of them is to move to Hawaii. Another is freezing my school loan debt, which is constantly threatening to slaughter my unborn children for their blood and organs. Another, still, is the somewhat noble but also rather selfish reason of wanting to clip away from the safety net of my wonderful family and lifelong friends. Sometimes a woman just wants to know she can go at it alone.

Now that I have gotten to this point, I am ready to ditch the program prematurely in pursuit of a real job that pays me a living wage. I am sick of spreading out $200 in food stamps to last the entire month, and sick of juggling bills and gas money for my car so that I can keep the car insured and drive to work to pay the bills and have gas money. It's a huge pain in the ass to live with absolutely no money.

I'm not really feeling the altruism this program likes to pat us on the back for emanating, and I honestly think that the project I was put on last year was a complete failure (not because of what I did, but because the program was poorly executed. Not every program can succeed, I suppose). Perhaps if I had served my country in the Army or the Navy or the Marines, I would have less of a chip on my shoulder about the government and its programs. Unfortunately, I am a bit jaded. I look forward to becoming somewhat successful at something that is non-government related and is pleasurable, of which salary I can go out to eat sometimes, and occasionally splurge on some random sweater vest for my dog (kidding).

I fear I may lack discipline. That's another reason why I'm punishing myself with this job. Haha

I do care about the welfare of others, and I do enjoy and feel compelled to give back... but I am also finding that a part of me needs more... for me. Maybe that is selfish behavior, but I carry the fault of putting everyone else before me a lot of the time... and I'm ready to start getting something back. I don't know how that will be. It could just be traveling and seeing the world. That would certainly make me happy. I would love to start an Arts Center and make work again. These are some of the ideas I've been thinking about. We'll see what happens.

Above the Mocha Poverty Line

Maybe it's silly to gauge my poverty level by mochas,

but it's nice to look forward to small rewards.

I figure if I still have $50 in the bank, though, I'm still doing better than a good percentage of the world's population.
I'm lucky to have a bed, and a roof.
no bugs (anymore).
plumbing.
hot showers.
clean clothes.
shoes.
toothpaste and toilet paper.
clean water.
no disease.

Man... really, I'm living the dream!

To be able to drink a mocha reminds me that I am really quite rich in privilege.
To be able to drink a mocha in Kauai makes me bliss out. I feel like the luckiest girl in the world. I'm going to try to hang on to that feeling next time I feel like quitting my job that pays me $5.40 an hour. Yes, the same one that I must hobble to on crutches. You know, the one that keeps ending in assignments of generating spreadsheet templates on accounting documents.

Living the dream. I'm in living color.

Derby Demure

It is day 47, and I am just settling back into my bedrest from a brief stint to Oahu for a fed conference. It was... interesting. My doctor approved the trip with a compression wrap, but C. was pissed that I went. She was probably right... my leg would swell quite a bit by the end of the day. I did a lot of walking that I probably shouldn't have done... but I also snuck in a bubble bath... so it wasn't all bad ;)

L. was glad to see me and I forged a good bond with her. I needed her to know that I'm doing everything I can to stay involved. I was a little bit pitiful with my leg propped on a chair for three days, but the sympathy it drew was a nice reminder to L. that I am still on the mend. I spent my off-time at the mall getting coffee and then retreating to my private hotel room to eat sushi and a late night pint of strawberry Häagen-Dazs. I was supposed to have a roommate, but apparently there was some program drama on her island, and she didn't show. Nice to have the space to myself.

I found it strangely amusing to go from solitude on bedrest in Kapaa to solitude on bedrest in Honolulu, and how different the two were. Whereas in Kapaa I felt trapped and anxious, in Honolulu I felt less trapped but more lonely than ever. It didn't help that no one outside of the conference could find time to have dinner.

Just when I thought things were going well, this accident acted as catalyst to cause my life to explode into tiny particles of confetti... and then someone lit a match.

I find ways to entertain myself besides doing the work that I'm really supposed to be doing on my work days, like feeding my insatiable desire for BBC English Period film series and the Tudor series, movies on the royal empire of Great Britain and the tried and true favorites of Bones and NCIS. My life has really become quite predictable and sad. Oddly enough, I feel the grips of the same depression that had such a strong hold on me back in Oahu when I realized my program was a failure. Then, I could escape and exercise my dog. Now, I must grit my teeth and bite down on the metallic taste of fate's bridal bit. I am an indentured servant to this hematoma on my leg. I must do R.I.C.E. (Rest Ice Compression Elevation) 24-7 until the bruise decides to drain away, as the consequences of not doing so are vast and complex.

I kissed goodbye my position for the derby trip to Alaska, and with a tearful but submissive tone, I told my captain that I would have to forfeit my spot on the All Stars roster until the next quarter, maybe longer. Wow. That was hard. I remember a while back when I was considering a move away from the derby... but this accident and being denied the chance to even practice has increased my passion for derby even more. I watched all of the tournament play for Western Regionals and Midwest Regionals, as well as the National Championship bouts held in Chicago. It seems that derby and coffee are the only things that keep my head above water right now. I must instill hope within that I will be able to return, for I know that the second I give up, the rest of this sweater that keeps my bones within my skin will unravel and fall to ruin at my feet.

I need derby. That's what I'm learning right now. I may not know what my purpose is in life, what my one great passion is to do for a career... but I DO know that I love derby. I need it in my life. It is my glue.

Day 35

Well, I had a good talk with L. today, the fed rep in charge of my region. She made me feel a little more secure about keeping my position, and it sounds like she had some words with my supervisor, C. They must have come to the agreement that the hiring process would take too long and they should just wait out my medical leave. I am still distrustful, however, so I am exploring other options. If I do lose the position I’ll be looking in both Kauai and Oahu. I suppose I should consider moving home to MN, too, but I really don’t want to. I love it here.

As for L. and C.'s cooperation, I would say that L. has been very understanding and flexible, and C. tried for a while but is running out of patience. I guess I don’t blame her much as it is a long time into my service and I have been appointed since the end of August... so I only got about a month of work in before the accident. I haven't made much progress for her. She is allowing me to work at home for the time being and as long as we can figure out how to make due with me coordinating things from bed, it will be okay. Yesterday was hairy... I had a huge fight with her over the phone because she was doubting my doctor's notes... she wanted to call my doctor and talk to him! Please. I don't think so. There is nothing to clarify. The notes are very specific about his instructions to stay in bed. L. talked to her yesterday and calmed her down a bit, though, as today was a little more professional and calm. I was ready to let her have it on the phone if she went into it again, but she didn’t so I held my tongue. I suppose initializing her firing me would be bad. I really just want to quit, though. So bullshit to be accused of lying when I'm in such a compromised position, with EVERYTHING to lose! I'm going to continue to fish around for other job opportunities just in case, but hopefully this blows over, I can finish my year, and find something real. Ugh. I just want this to heal so I can get back to my life. It sucks not playing derby, not being able to even go to the grocery store, not being able to even leave my house! Even my dog is suffering. He can’t even get walks right now. My roommate could be more helpful, but she isn’t... and in the end, he IS my responsibility. Still. Poor dog. He’s crawling the walls just like me!

I have to cook meals with my leg up on the counter and rely on my roommate to fetch me things from the store. I have gotten the hang of having this handicap, but it is really inconvenient and disheartening. I thought my wrist was feeling better so I took the brace off for a few days.. but the ligament damage is still giving me a lot of trouble. I was in a lot of pain after simply transferring a dirty sauté pan to the sink with that hand! It is very possible that I will need some physical therapy to get back the strength in that wrist, which is scary for me as a sculptor. Not only am I having trouble with work, but I can’t do the sport I love OR have an outlet with my art form! This is the most miserable few months of my life.

Day 34

I just had an argument over the phone with my boss. She’s infuriating. She doesn’t seem to understand why I can’t go back to work, even though I have submitted four doctor’s noted with specified instructions to stay home and elevate my foot. She wants to call my doctor, which I think is absolutely unacceptable. She has no right to talk to my doctor, does she? Am I wrong to oppose that?

It’s like she’s trying to test me to see if I’m lying, and it drives me crazy. I’ve done everything she’s asked of me. I’ve done all of the busywork she has assigned-the data entry, the email correspondence between her and other committees and students, everything. This is leaving a really bad taste in my mouth. Her distrust causes me to distrust her right back. I’m trying to follow normal procedures and doctor’s orders without jeopardizing my recovery, but at this point I do just want them to fire me and get it over with. None of this is my fault. I didn’t choose to get hit by a car on my way to work, and I certainly didn’t choose to have 2 months of bed rest. I’m in a bad spot right now and she’s putting unnecessary pressure on me to tell her something I can’t.

Dad thinks I should let her talk to my doctor, but I still disagree. I don’t trust her not to misconstrue something he says and say that he told her it was okay for me to go to work, when he clearly told me no and put it in writing. There is nothing to clarify and no confusion on the matter. I think my dad’s main argument is that it makes me look suspicious to deny her that, but I don’t think she has any right to hold conversations with my doctor, and I also don’t know how that might compromise my lawsuit or if it would do damage. I can’t get a hold of my lawyer, and it’s been 3 business days.

So Many Disappointing Appointments

Timeline for Kelly Thune



10/5-Accident on morning commute to work

10/5-Begin medical leave through 10/11

10/12-Returned to work before pm Doctor’s appointment

10/12-Doctor’s appointment

10/13-Medical Leave reinstated through 10/20 :(

10/21-Doctor’s appointment, Medical Leave reinstated. Returned to work to collect things and discuss events, assigned work from home.

11/4-Doctor’s appointment to re-assess injuries, recovery, and possibility of returning to work

11/5-Medical Leave reinstated through 12/5 with permission to work from home and orders to keep leg elevated. Permission granted to attend Americorps conference in Oahu with compression wrap and elevation, specified in Doctor’s note.

12/6-Next Doctor’s appointment to assess and discuss surgical options if necessary. :((

October 5th Changed Everything

Funny how in just a split second, your world can fall from underneath you, sending you face-first into asphalt. Literally.

Motorcycle collision October 5, 2010

Riding 790cc Triumph 'America' into the Kapaa roundabout intersection at approximately 7:15am on my morning commute. Equipped with DOT approved helmet, proper eye protection, leather jacket, long pants and riding boots. Entered roundabout where no other cars were present after yielding at sign, making my way round the circle to hook onto bypass road. After passing the second yield sign at the foot of hill to my right, I looked over my shoulder in time to see an off-white vehicle speeding directly into the side of my motorcycle. The hood of their car was so close that I touched it with my right hand. In that split second I realized the vehicle was about to hit my right rear tire, so I jackknifed the handlebars of my motorcycle and laid the bike down onto the asphalt to avoid being thrown into the windshield of the vehicle, putting the motorcycle between myself and the vehicle. The bumper of the car hit the tire of the motorcycle instead of my body, which
catapulted the bike with great force towards the ground. I lost consciousness briefly from the impact and awoke to find that I could not move due to the weight of my motorcycle on top of me. I was being coaxed by a man to lie still and provide him with my contact information. The ambulance crew arrived quickly (perhaps due to a time lapse from blacking out) and they proceeded to board me on a stretcher and treat me as if I had a spinal injury. All proper protocol was followed by emergency personnel and I was taken by ambulance to Wilcox Emergency Room. Complete x-rays and a Cat scan were taken. I was treated and released at approximately 11:30am. Injuries suffered include a broken left hand, severe abrasions to left hand and left knee, facial bruising around eye and left cheekbone, as well as bruising from left knee down to left foot. Bruising on leg is severe enough to require elevation to avoid blood clotting. I have missed one week of work.





"The beauty of life is, while we cannot undo what is done, we can see it, understand it, learn from it and change. So that every new moment is spent not in regret, guilt, fear or anger, but in wisdom, understanding and love."