Love, and Other Disasters

“Being deeply loved by someone gives you strength, while loving someone deeply gives you courage.”

― Lao Tzu

If you only love deeply and never get the strength of commitment and security in return, the fallout is ugly. I've been warned, read about it, prepared to avoid it, and yet can't deny it getting the best of me. It's true. I had expectations, despite firmly telling myself I wouldn't. Instead of loving him freely, I was a bird in his cage.

I know him really well. We have been together years now. But before he got on a plane to Cambodia, he told me it was over. No working it out, just done. No huge fight and regrettable backbiting comments, no dramatic throwing of objects and intolerable pet peeves that reached a boiling point. An hour before a big derby bout in a tournament, while I was in another State, he texted that it was over. We had discussed it briefly before I left on the trip... so it wasn't all via text (I don't want anyone to think he was that callused). He wants me to be free to find someone else who can give be a family. He wants me to move on.  After all, I'm 35 and my shriveling eggs are rattling around in my uterus like a gourd. The clock is loud. The clock wanted me to consider that possibility... with him. He isn't ready to make that decision, and may never be.. so he thought it best we end things. Unfortunately, I can't just turn off my feelings for him and pretend I'm "liberated." He told me today that instead of grieving, I should feel free.*scoff* I feel more trapped than ever! This is a serious blow to me, and as much as he may feel happy and relieved, I'm devastated. We were doing really well! He and I were communicating effectively. We were working on stuff. I met his mother. We had a great year full of adventures and food outings. He went through a lot of hard life events, and I was there for him through all of it. He opened up to me and I learned a ton about him this year. He's my best friend and my lover, and I don't know how to just turn around and switch into platonic friendship! I just don't know how to. I don't know how to let go of what I thought was a great future. I can't comprehend why he would want to do that. Then he told me he didn't want to only date one woman right now.

Night Terrors Are Foretelling

I had a terrible nightmare a few weeks back that involved him wanting me to clean his apartment, but also having to meet his new girlfriend in the process. He had said it was important we got along. She was just a baby at 19. Although I congratulate my unconscious mind for concocting that lovely anxiety dream, I see I had some foresight (and likely some hindsight). Ironically, younger women with their bewitching sexuality will always have power over men, no matter how long and hard they fight to dominate. Beauty tops a man's success every time, and is almost always their biggest weakness and downfall. I see that now. I cannot win any longer at that game, but he, chasing youth eternal, will be running to his death. It will not bring him peace, so I hope he can eventually stop and be with one person. I will NEVER be cool about him being with another woman. I cannot possibly be trusted to not kill her. I'm sure he could say the same about whomever I date. He wouldn't want to know, and so likewise, I cannot know I've been replaced. 

I would rather believe in the stereotypical fantasy that there is no one as worthy of him as I am and can take care of him as well as I have, and I choose to fully reject the reality that he has already moved on behind my back. It is much easier on my poor, delicate, borderline-psychotic brain to believe I'm the best thing he'll ever have than to accept that I'm not. I don't know how guys deal with things so pragmatically because I'm not a guy. Think me foolish for it... but I realize now that the survival mechanism to get over the gut-wrenching heartbreak of lost hopes and dreams is to believe in the fairytale. 

Women need hope in life to survive. Without it, they have no will to live. 

The Lion Tamer

November 2008

you feed my curiosity
a string of minimal verse... just enough to suffice, no more... to catch my attention, and hold it
I am in my zen period
indefinitely holding it

I will tell you how you approach lions again

like a tamer... with swift and deliberate motions, never taking your eyes away... showing no weakness but a positive in its place, sure-footedness instead of tripping on its beauty
lovely moments of pause
never forgetting that it could kill you with one fell swoop

time is currency

we spend and invest it wisely, in the lion's den
we pace each other, sideways eyes. one must never approach a lion straight-on.
rhythmic tail sweeping softly on the switch,
bewitching eyes of secrets
we are both dangerous to each other
it is impossible to really know if two can co-exist, but we tried
I fed on your mind, and you ate my heart

May 2013

I read your old love letters and fall for you all over again
but in the morning, I wake up with that terrible emptiness. I live with the pain of letting you go, all through my day
each memory in this city is twisted into my being, and even the crosswalks are tattooed with your footprints
Each day, my own private hell to remind me that I have lost you
and suddenly, none of my successes can measure up to what we had
I don't know how to end this
you are my muse, but you are gone

I am a lion tamer, without a lion

Under the Radar, I Become Bulletproof

As of April 17th, I have officially completed my 6 month probationary period through the State! That means I am reviewed and then sealed into the safely cushioned environment of all State Union workers, with full benefits and a retirement plan!! I'm stoked about my job, despite some irritating bits, and know this is a great fit for me. I will be able to grow for years within this organization, and I have a LOT to learn.

I have already learned a lot of valuable things, not entirely "work" related.

1) bus passes are pre-tax dollars if I have it deducted from my payroll
2) I can be sick for 3 weeks a year
3) I can take a trip to India on paid vacation time for another 3 weeks
4) If I ever feel uncomfortable when meeting with other employees, I have Union protected rights to immediately call and end to the meeting and walk away, or tell them to leave
5) I have birds that copulate on my windowsill. They like my origami birds hanging from my blinds
6) Sitting on a pilates ball at my desk is good for my posture, and also amusing to bounce on when checking emails
7) Being nice to the janitors means they do a great job vacuuming my space
8) Being nice to security means they leave the front lobby door open just a little bit late so I don't have to go to the back of the building when I leave
9) Bringing cookies to State workers in your first week doesn't make you friends, but bringing malasadas in the second month does
10) Always create an external email account and copy every reply to it. The state computer system still uses Lotus Notes, and everything in your inbox erases after a few weeks

I am bonafide Union, now. W00T!

Peace Through Recovery

His recovery is going smooth, and his mood is starting to ease and regulate. This means more outings and more chances to get to know the person he should have always been. I feel a little selfish in how much I have enjoyed the time spent during his recovery. It has been a beautiful period of peace and love.

Tonight for V-Day, he made reservations (weeks in advance) to go to Ruth's Chris. We had an amazing dinner. I feel very lucky, and I am relieved by the peace that is coming with his functions returning to normal.

The Only Thing To Explain It All

I went back to Minnesota for the holidays to meet up with family and friends, to shower my dog in kisses, but also to heal. You see, I was certain my relationship was over.

He was a real treat. Paranoid, hostile, cranky and irritable at all hours. He would hug me and tell me he was scared and that something was terribly wrong with his health one minute, and the next he would be roaring like a lion, telling me to get out of his apartment because I was an ungrateful brat with no sense of all he had helped me with. It was nuts. He was nuts.

I grieved a little in Minnesota during that trip. I was certain it was over. We didn't talk while I was there, and I didn't write him. I was afraid of him and sorry for him at the same time. I didn't know what was wrong, but I knew he was abusing me. It was hurtful and confusing, and I felt like I was spiraling down into a hole.

I returned to Hawaii and was determined to keep my distance and not buckle under his charming pleas to come keep him company. I rejected dinner plans and made excuses to be busy. But he was relentless that first week back, and so I agreed to lunch. Over spicy fish and green beans, he told me he had a brain tumor. Not a small tumor... a 2 inch mass that was pushing his pituitary gland into a different region of his skull. For a little background on Pituitary tumors, read here. In a nutshell, it caused a complete crash of his sex drive, pleasure sensors, and ability to handle stress. He slept for large periods of time and could barely leave his bed for much of the day. Of course I decided to support him through the surgery and recovery. I mean, what sort of an asshole abandons their best friend before having a tumor removed? I was scared and scared for him, and he was so completely erratic and angry leading up to the procedure that I was very jumpy. I was living in a glass house.

The procedure lasted 1/2 a day and caused many small crises in my mind. When they wheeled him into surgery, I almost became a patient myself, and passed out at the elevators. I was wretching and terribly concerned. What if he didn't wake up? What if the neurosurgeon had an off-day? What if, what if, what if. My anxiety level back at work (yes I'm a dummy and went back to work) was out of control. I couldn't concentrate and all of my Buddhist zen principles went out the window. I tried hard to stay in the moment, to not jump ahead to presuppositions, to repeat over and over that there was nothing I could do. I finally couldn't take it anymore and went back to the hospital, waiting too patiently to be allowed back to his recovery room. He awoke his crabby self and bossed nurses around. I gave them sympathetic glances and reassured them in the hallway that that was normal. He was on heavy pain meds and had leakage in the wound site, leading to a lot of red fluid that looked like blood but was really drainage from the site. It was super traumatic. After one night's stay in the hospital, they couldn't wait to discharge him to me! The recovery thereafter at his apartment was quite plain, and involved a lot of bedrest and a lot of me doting on him to keep him happy, entertaining him and making sure he was comfortable. He was very grateful I was with him, and very loving and affectionate.

It will be some time before we know what happens next. He has a 3 month check-up to determine if it was a successful removal or if he must undergo more work. Until then, I wait with bated breath for life to do it's thing. I don't know what this means for him, and I don't know what this means for us.

6 ways to Prevent Preventable Derby Disasters

Me? I'm pretty accident prone. But I learned a LOT with my latest injury, an MCL tear, as well as through my years of playing. It seems like common sense, but sometimes it's just good to review.

 6. Invest in the best gear that you can afford, and wear it. 

But not all great gear is expensive. These are my faves!

Don't get "Atom Gear" kneepads until you can confidently slide-fall instead of faceplanting. Instead, get well-constructed kneepads with a ratchet strap on the bottom that have a built-in knee gasket. I'm not interested in Atom Gear because I still fall, and not always well :/ Elbow pads are important because we actually do use them, knowingly or not. I was a little unsure if I actually did use them a few years ago and started choosing to NOT wear them when I skated the boardwalk. One day, I caught a big pebble and bit it. Hard. I was wearing my wrist guards and my kneepads, but not the elbows. I had two scabby bows for a while. They got infected. It sucked. Get wristguards with a wide plastic protective piece, and always wear them on skates. I've broken my left wrist and my right hand playing derby. Both times I was wearing Protec wristguards with that measly plastic piece running up the palm. If I hadn't been wearing them, I probably would've had 2 hand surgeries by now-but if I had been wearing something like I have now, it probably wouldn't have happened. Make sure your helmet fits snug, and that your chin strap isn't loose. The reason we wear helmets is to protect one of our most valuable organs: our brain. Don't be stupid. Wear it. Properly. I've seen dozens of concussions. WITH helmets on. Without wearing a helmet, I know of one death, on skates. On a flat, indoor surface. This means wearing your gear at open-skate in rinks, the boardwalk, and every parade. Is your brain worth risking for a little wind in your hair? Is a 30-minute free skate down the boardwalk worth a month in a cast? Mouthguards are important for game play and full contact. I can't argue that we should always wear them because it's super tough to yell the instructions to a full drill with it in your mouth... but I ALWAYS put it on before I demonstrate a hit or any full body contact. Mouthguards don't just protect your teeth-they protect you from concussions... and from biting off your tongue. No thank you!

5. Use your resources, or find some.

Where are their helmets??

On my first league, we had skaters that were massage therapists. We also had a chiropractor that skated, and a slew of medical professionals like OT's and EMTs. In my current league, I know of at least 4 Occupational Therapists, several nurses, and several massage therapists. Derby is rough, dude. Injuries happen and muscles/ligaments/bones get jacked. Ask questions from your league mates, get advice from the professionals, and when appropriate, see your doctor. Don't just ride it out and think everything will magically get better. This is not Never Never Land. This is cold, harsh reality. Do you want to be bionic and take 3 months off to have surgery/do physical therapy for a knee injury, or do you want to learn how to train your muscles properly and skate? Don't be shy asking for help or advice, and don't wait until your 7th year like me to start learning about dynamic stretch routines and knee strengthening exercises. I was a fool. Don't be a Calamity. You'll end up in a wheelchair 50th birthday like me someday. Also, don't skate without medical insurance. I tore my MCL the same day I returned to skates after taking a break from being uninsured between jobs.

4. Come prepared.

me before I'm warmed up

Be on time. Be ready to go when the warm up starts. Get your routine in so that you're warm and stretched for the beginning of drills or the start of the jam. I used to be chronically late to everything, but because of derby, I make a point to get my warm up in. Maybe it's because I'm "derby old." Maybe it's because I'm growing up. Maybe I'm just getting smarter... (I would like to think it's that :)) When I don't get a good warm up complete with stretching, my body is tight and non-responsive to fast-twitch muscle movements (like lateral track work and jamming). I'm a hot mess, and easy to bowl over-it's just bad all around. But more than that I'm a threat to myself; if my muscles are cold and stiff, I'm crazy susceptible to injuries. I have been injured soooo many times, and I bet a lot of those times were due to a bad warm up. Some leagues are really strict and make sure everyone is skating warm before they launch into a drill... but some leagues are more laid back. This is where injuries happen. Sprinting out to the track at the start of a jam or contact drill without warming up is like asking for a trip to the E.R. You're better off to yourself and your team by taking at least 5-10 minutes and preparing your body than you are taking a hit when you're cold. The start of the jam is NOT the time to be warming up. It's just not. Everyone will notice-even you.

3. Mental game is crucial for practice, as well as for bouts.

There have been girls that come to practice or to a bout completely distracted by their toddler in the stands or a head full of stress. I've been guilty of showing up with a zillion other things on my mind that are way more important than doing pack work, and I know how detrimental it is to not have focus (I play bad. Really bad). Unfortunately, this is a judgement call that we all make to ourselves, and I have to trust that my teammates will make the right one and not skate if they can't be fully present in their heads. How many times have you been distracted by a blocker, only to end up on your ass because her teammate landed a monster hit on you from your opposite side?

Squirrel!

Being aware of your surroundings and not allowing outside distractions into your head is critical to safe game play. If that skater chasing her toddler in between lines during a drill (or worse, a bout) isn't watching the pack as she skates, she's a liability. I don't want to be her casualty. Call your fellow skaters out on their shit. If someone isn't able to concentrate because of x, y, and z, tell her to work it out and then come back. Is waiting until the toddler runs out on the track to say "hi" the time to address this? You bet your ass it is. Now she's putting her kid in harm's way, too! We have laws in our state prohibiting cell phones/texting and driving, and we surely shouldn't allow girls to skate that have their heads in the clouds or their eyes fixated on the bleachers. We all owe that to each other. I've growled at children and I've growled at derby moms when this interferes with my game or my practice. Number of times I've regretted it? Zero. It may be hard to juggle derby and parenting, and I realize I can't relate to that and those challenges... but I know when something is unsafe and I'm vocal about saying so. It's dangerous!

2. Listen to your body. PAIN stands for "Pay Attention Inwards Now."

Through error, mostly, I have learned to listen to my body, and when I feel out of it or my game is off, I pull myself from the drill before something bad happens. It doesn't happen that often, but when I notice, I stop. I used to just power through bad practices like that and sometimes I still do because I'm stubborn, but I've found that really it's dangerous to myself and to my fellow skaters when I'm scrimmaging on a bad day. Drills are meant to be hard and work us over in order to improve, but when you enter into a scrimmage, your teammates are counting on you to be playing your best. I try to assess how I feel in the first 1/2 hr of every practice. If I'm pmsing and having a bad practice-lots of trouble connecting my hits like I usually do and excessive clumsiness (I run into walls and trip over air during pms)-I cruise on the sides while the team scrimmages or I watch and try to guess their plays. I've had some bad falls and caused equally bad pileups because I wasn't feeling that great. I also do a lot of dynamic warmup exercises and never stretch cold.

Kinesio tape and/or braces do NOT make you bionic.

This is also true for nagging injuries; when my knee starts feeling strange and a repetitive drill is adding extra stress to the joint, I stop the drill and skate laps instead. "Strapping" or using kinesio tape on an injury does not make you invincible. You still have to heed your body's warning signals and be prepared to R.I.C.E. on the sides if need be. Re-injuring my knee is only going to make me miss more drills and be miserable. Not worth it to practice plow stops for 5 minutes. I'm cool with taking a time out now to save myself a longer recovery.

1. Don't take unnecessary risks. Derby is hazardous enough.

The venue we skate at in town is unsafe because it is smaller than regulation size, and there are perilous obstacles like the fencing enclosure, steel beams, and volleyball posts, nestled right up to the outside boundary. Our team has dubbed them the "Murder Poles." We pad the poles during practice now, but doing full-on scrimmage or big hitting drills are super scary and ridiculously dangerous in that space. The fence is what caused me to fully tear my MCL... I did a controlled knee stop and slid jussst a bit too far out of the track boundary (I was used to more clearance on a full-sized track). I hit the fence skate first, and there was a twist and a pop. It was a horrible sound and there were many swear words. Ideally we would find another venue, but it has proven nearly impossible in our area as real estate is in high demand and rental fees are atrocious. So... in the meantime, we skate near Murder Poles. Some skaters are cool with full-on derby scrimmage there, but I am not. So now, when a drill starts, I assess if I feel safe. If I don't because the drill is too wild or uncontrolled, I sit and watch. What's harder than watching a drill at practice? Watching a bout on crutches because you were too stubborn to heal or too reckless to acknowledge a bad situation.

no fun.

Preventing preventable disasters is a guiding principle to the new chapter of my derby existence. It's a great rule of thumb, really. My latest recovery has taught me many lessons that are probably good for other aspects of my life.

The moral: Don't be an idiot any more than you have to. ;)

Three Little Birds

'rise up this morning
scowled at the rising sun
3 little birds
dead by my doorstep
smelling sweetly
of your wretched rue

This is my message to you.

Don't try to chide me
don't try to call my name
if I'm hung up on you
you know I'll die alone
baby don't call me
don't even call my phone

This is my message to you.

If you did want me
you should have made it known
instead I groveled. Damn you!
You ripped my heart out
It was just freshly sewn
Now leave me alone.

Each sickly message is an open sore
your words blacken my loss
and I want more.
You are a maggot turning into a fly

Now fly
Now fly