Defeat Before the Gun

So... this weekend was supposed to be my first attempt at a 1/2 marathon. I failed.

After a 3-week chest cold that took the wind out of my sails, I kept my determination in place to run it... but on Thursday night my health dictated otherwise. Three solid days of migraines left me bedridden and dehydrated, so I followed a good friend's advise and didn't go to the race. My heart wanted to, but my body did not. I will look at this as a lesson in listening to my body and not pushing beyond sanity. I will never finish a marathon if I don't ensure my physical soundness.

I hate having to quit or admit defeat, but life goes on. I will train now for the 1/2 marathon in Kauai on August 31st and pretend this was just a minor setback.

Honolulu Marathon countdown: 243 days

After the Storm Comes... Sunshine

I haven't written in a few months due to things in life that I needed to tend to, mainly my sanity.

After my boss quit, the secretary quit, and I quit chasing a man that was never going to be emotionally available, I hit the lows. Anxiety to the extreme and a heavy dose of depression. Life was bad. My days were bad. Stress was a key component of every work day. Even derby was irritating and riddled with drama! I couldn't seem to escape the negativity all around me.

But the sun rises, sets, rises again.

And months later, I am still alive. Things are slowly getting better. I don't want to lie in bed in the dark on my off days, and I've even cleaned my house a few times and done my laundry on occasion. All in all, I am functioning like a normal human being. I have made progress with my therapy sessions and I have come to the end of my 5-year plan that I had set out to accomplish waaaaaaay back in Minnesota. Now I must set the goals for my next 5 years! This brings me to my 5-yr plan list, in no particular order.

1) Buy a moped.

Walking around the city and taking the bus everywhere has it's charm, but I'm hella tired of lugging groceries home by foot or by transit. It's lame and inconvenient. I got a big tax return check and plan to rectify this daily inconvenience.

I would like this.

I can afford this.

2) Do something else.

Today, as a matter of fact, I had my informational interview with the Mark Takai for Congress campaign and will be starting in with them to assist with fieldwork operations starting on April 1st. I need to do something that has me meeting people (particularly men) that does not involve a society of stinky women or snobby art workers. Time to kick it up a notch and begin the long road to...


3) Run for public office.


Being a curator in the arts is cool and all, but not when you deal with aggravating state co-workers on a daily basis. I love art and love portions of my position, but let's face it... I'm just not anal retentive enough to catch all the details involved with museum work. The parts where I am in the community servicing public sites and nominating art for purchase are amazing and I love them. The actual museum part I want to stop doing as soon as possible. I can easily find a better way to help out the arts in this State than working my current position. I am good at being a public servant, have campaign volunteer experience, and I think I could do a lot of good for this State on multiple platforms. Step one is learning about campaigns and learning Honolulu's districts and major running issues. Step two is research. These will lead to step three: running for office.

4) Run a marathon.

As I've already disclosed in a previous post, I've signed up to run the Honolulu Marathon next fall. I am still on track and training. I've had a little bit of a knee issue lately, but can regularly run 6 miles and have already completed a 10 mile race and an 8 mile race. Next up is the Hapalua in April, a 1/2 marathon on the same course as the full. Stoked to be getting into this sport I never thought I would like! Sometimes I surprise myself. I need better shoes, though, and soon.

5) Clean up my diet.

I am still eating garbage on occasion and could definitely afford to clean things up. Easier said than done. I think I still have some self-loathing tendencies that need to be worked out and will continue to work on this in therapy.

6) Find a better boyfriend, or at least date better men.

I'm done with being shit on regularly and putting up with way more abuse than I should ever tolerate. Selfish, egotistical, emotionally unavailable men are no longer on the menu. I've been searching on several online dating sites, but it could take a while. I have some great stories about this and will save them for a later blog post!

Just one of many awesome first emails.

7) Volunteer. Give back in some capacity.

There are many beautiful things that have gone my way in life, and many things I miss that I still had. One is my dog. A way to remedy the hole in my heart is to volunteer at the Humane Society of Honolulu! I have signed up and will do my orientation training on April 19th to become an animal massage therapist and behavioral trainer. I am beyond stoked. Going to the dog parks with my good friend and her dog has been therapeutic, but this way I can help out a bunch of animals that are in distress. I am really looking forward to this.


8) Get married in the next 5 years, and have a baby.

I think it's a reasonable goal to set for the next 5 years. Marriage may not be necessary, but why not make it be in the goal? I'm not doing that shit alone on purpose! lol
Life is short, the clock is ticking. I am looking into freezing my eggs. Sounds pretty Star Trekish, but I'm being realistic: at 36, I'm just now looking (in a healthy mindset) for a life mate that will want to have a child together. It will likely take a few years to do so, and I need to preserve my eggs while they're still in good shape. Hopefully my future husband is a doctor or makes more money than me, because I'm growing weary of living in a small closet-sized apartment.


9) See Nepal, India, Cambodia, Thailand, or all of them.

This is sort of a continuation of my last 5 year plan goals; my travel plans didn't really pan out. Although I saw parts of Australia and 4 islands of Hawaii, I haven't made it to the East as I intended. I will have to work on making this happen. These are my friend's photos... I would like to take my own.

 

10) Figure out what to do about Derby.

I have been playing derby for 8 years now, and my joints are starting to protest. I need to figure out how to transition out of playing into more of a coaching/instruction capacity. The problem is that I still love playing so much! I am taking on a lot of responsibility for our league right now and am heavily invested. I just don't know how to get out. This is where list item number 7 comes in... the ultimate derby injury. Muahahaha!




Okay, so that's 10 list items to accomplish in the next 5 years. Ambitious, rewarding, and ultimately character building. I am already getting a start on them and look forward to seeing how things unravel :) One thing I have learned in life is that things rarely go as planned.

Hold Fast, the Storm is Here!

My career is crazy. My boss resigned due to conpiracy over copyright infringement and an astounded Hawaiian community that took offense to her role within our organization. As she makes her way out (slowly, to burn up her sick leave time), she is meeting with news reporters to slander our organization and misdirect the blame back onto our agency and its employees. It has been an extremely turbulent year at the foundation, and I am amazed at how much commotion has been stirred up since I started. I am lying low and hoping to salvage what I can during this time, and luckily the employees here are coming together in unity to uphold the integrity of the organization. I've never experienced anything like this before. I don't like reporters calling me at work. Pretty wild! Haha

My new singledom is slowly starting to get a little easier, thanks to therapy and a new exercise routine; I have been running every other day for several weeks now, starting it off with a bang by running a Thanksgiving 10 miler without training. Ouch! Since I somehow managed to finish that one, I figured it was as good of a time as ever to make it happen for myself and build on that momentum. I'm on an 8 week program that will steadily increase my distance and speed capacity through steady and interval training workouts. By the end of the 8 weeks, I should be able to swiftly handle 1-hour runs and be a more comfortably fit. The stress of life in all of its many forms have really gotten a hold of me, and I am to the point where I must fight back.

Being single feels similar to what it felt like to be in a relationship with the Writer, since I have the same routine minus spending time with him after work. Since he isn't friends with my social circle and we don't work together, his absence in my life comes mostly at night in the dark loneliness of my apartment. Bunnies are not snuggly like dogs and cats, so I've been making Christmas ornaments and watching copious amounts of Law & Order. I try to get out and do fun stuff on the weekends and reach out to friends when the loneliness feels overwhelming. Somehow it is hard to accept that we are truly in this life as individuals and must be comfortable with just ourselves...somewhere along the way I was led to believe that I must have a partner to weather the storm of dark days, and that independence was only acceptable until age 30. As I have watched all of my girlfriends marry off and spawn, I wonder what fate has in store for me in the next few years. I wonder if being a single mother is a silly idea to entertain, and if I am instead meant to adopt 4 dogs and live in this tiny 500-sq ft apartment until my retirement years, or if better things are in store for me.

Perhaps we are all dissatisfied to a certain degree with the cards we have been dealt, and life is more importantly about humbling ourselves to accept that in which we are lucky enough to get. I have 1st world problems in relation to what others in the world face on a daily basis, and I try to ground myself in that whenever I can remember to.

On my living room buffet, I have a statue of the buddha sitting under a silver tinsel tree with blue ornaments. I am a walking contradiction of life experiences and beliefs. I am me (I am by myself), but I am surviving. I need to concentrate on day to day but also start working on what is down the road, as time ticks on, never ending. A race against the clock could possibly be more of a challenge than a race of miles to run, so at this point training for a Marathon doesn't seem too out of reach.

Back In the Saddle, But My Horse Is a Little Lame

I might've felt sick and had a small panic attack at the mall in front of one of those hair-straightening kiosks run by Russians yesterday while I was waiting for my plenty of fish bachelor to show for our scheduled first date. And I cried. Full on tears.  Then the Russians straightened my locks and tried to sell me $650 human hair extensions to feel better.

I was afraid of the "date," but not necessarily because of who this person was that I would meet for the first time; I was afraid of having to move on. Fearful of moving forward and to having to actively seek out a fulfilling partner that meets my needs. It feels inherently selfish and uncomfortable. I don't like thinking about what I need. I am used to thinking only about what other people need, so anything having to do with making myself happy is challenging. It is hard to let go of what is familiar and comfortable even when it damages me in the long run. Change is hard. Meeting new people is hard. This whole ordeal is so hard, I just want to give up.

And I have. Over and over again, and I've run back to the guy who will accept me and all of my giving ways because his world revolves around him and his needs, and I do a damn fine job of fulfilling those for him. But it's not enough for me anymore, and it's not fair to me, and everyone else who knows me tells me so. Do you think that changes my desire to run back to him? Nope. Not at all. It just makes me withhold information, isolate my private life from all of my family and friends, and take the regular emotional abuse as a side affect for his domineering behavior that allows me to not concentrate on myself. I am aware it has to stop and that it is severely damaging my self-esteem and my future by staying with him, so it would be fantastic if people stopped telling me how bad he is for me. Let me instead concentrate on the bigger issue at hand, which is why I have so much self-loathing going on that I would rather avoid my own needs altogether. That's fucked up.

Certain things happen in life that make us have a skewed perception of reality and our purpose. This is the effect of environmental factors and human interactions, and it is what makes us all have unique perspectives and experiences. Although I had plenty of great things shape who I am today (and an extremely loving, supportive family), I had several events happen at a young age that taught me I wasn't good enough, I wasn't pretty enough, and there was something wrong with my body. Guess what? No matter how many times someone tells me that isn't true, that I am smart and beautiful and perfect the way I am, IT DOES NOT CHANGE MY CORE BELIEFS. Those are instilled like computer hardware. I am working on it. It is taking a lot of time to get through. This is why psychologists have jobs.

I look at the simple fact I was able to break the pattern of this recent 5 year cycle for long enough to go on one date with a new man as a small victory. Don't pity me or feel bad that it didn't end up being a perfect match... instead, be happy for me that I went on the date and recognized that he wasn't a good fit for me. I have a telling history of falling hard and blindly for the first man who shows strong interest in me upon being recently single, so it is truly a beautiful thing to see the pouring in of text messages from this one guy, from our one date, totally wanting to hook up, and to know that it is not going to be a good fit for me. To know, with confidence, that our goals do not line up and there is no need to draw this out over another 5 years. I am proud of myself today for recognizing that.

Maybe with each failed attempt at dating I will learn more about how much I have to offer, and how important it is to respect myself. Last night I wore bright lipstick because I'm a grown-ass lady, and today is a good day, despite my migraine. Don't cry for me, Argentina.

Toxic Relationships

Fully recognizing that I'm in a toxic relationship in a looping pattern, I am re-posting this for my own reference. Recognition is one thing, getting out is quite another. How do you leave someone you love?

Solutions for a Toxic Relationship.

Via Tracy Crossleyon Aug 12, 2013

Soulmate relationships turned toxic are an opportunity to grow.

In a soulmate relationship there’s an intense feeling of connection and more than likely an inability to disengage from that person…even if it’s over or they need space. We just can’t let go, move on or get a grip on ourselves.

The way to feeling empowered is to get our power back, no matter what happens in the relationship.

In each of the tips described below, the outcome isn’t meant to change the relationship, it’s meant to allow someone an opportunity to grow and create a healthier relationship with ourselves.

The goal is for self-realization, greater confidence and building self-esteem.

Tips on how to use your toxic soulmate relationship as a growth experience:

1. Take control of you.

Stop giving away your power to your mate.

They don’t know what to do with it and it’s how you help to create a toxic environment. It’s not easy, but speak your truth—even if it scares the crap out of you. Do it and you’ll become more confident, especially when your focus is not the outcome. It’ll more than likely also create a different response from your soulmate too.

2. You create boundaries.

In your heart, you know the standards you want to live by, it takes courage to speak them and put them into action. In a soulmate situation, we may just accept what is crappy and not live into our own standards.

There’s no reason to be offensive or disrespectful to your soulmate when declaring your boundaries.

First, get clear on what you absolutely cannot tolerate, what are your non-negotiables?

Be honest and listen to your truth.

Knowing your truth and expressing it, equals vulnerability. It’s your true strength. No need to overpower or win, you’re just establishing a few ground rules on how you need to be treated. You may or may not receive respect for your boundaries, but when you stick to em’, embrace how good you feel!

If you can do this in a relationship of this intensity, you can do it anywhere.

3. If you keep doing the right thing, acting the right way and are programmed by other people’s thoughts about what you should do, stop!

There’s no greater cost then doing the right thing for the wrong reasons.

When your strategy is to kill your soulmate with kindness; give into what you assume they want from you or go out of your way for them just to gain their approval or their love, you can stop now.

It’s manipulation and the other person is aware. They will be more resistant to you. It doesn’t work and it makes you feel worse. Instead, start treating yourself to small acts of kindness. Do things for you, which engender your own love, kindness and warmth. It makes a difference.

Gain clarity on the beliefs you have about yourself, understand somewhere along the way you picked up the idea that you deserved this treatment. The intensity you feel with this person is actually the familiarity of what you grew up with and what you believe about yourself—t’s self-induced. Even if the other person feels intense too; it’s about old stuff.

4. Don’t feel shame, please realize you’re human.

Not a super hero. You may stay in an untenable situation, because you have a perfect dream. And well-meaning friends and family can make you feel worse for your inability to leave.

We want this soulmate to fit that perfect dream. It’s time to deconstruct the dream. Nothing is perfect and relationships aren’t fairy tales.

Make a commitment to see the relationship through to your emotional end. It’s not a mistake. Meaning, use this time to dig deep and realize your humanness, your lovability, your needs and the three previous tips. Stay with it (unless there is physical abuse), until you have a complete understanding of how you landed here in the first place.
Use the relationship for learning how to have a deeper acceptance of yourself.

Self-acceptance is key to a healthy relationship and there is something keeping you in a relationship in which you are rejected in some way, so be Sherlock Holmes and figure out why.

5. Your mate is a mirror; use the reflection to find answers.

You’ve probably heard what you don’t like in yourself is reflected in others.

It’s true.

Unfortunately, in a toxic soulmate relationship, it’s more about insecurities. Your insecurities are mirrored right back at you, Big Time!

If you don’t trust your mate, it’s probably the same for them, but they may exhibit it in a different way than you.

You may be outrageously jealous, and they may cheat—abandonment and distrust guaranteed! You set up these situations over and over until you gain self-awareness.

Why are you here?

What is the benefit in being in a relationship with someone who makes your insecurities feel out of control?

There’s always a benefit. It may be that you really fear a real commitment, so your imperfect soulmate keeps you safe from having to show up and be emotionally present in a relationship.

Get clear on your insecurities. If you don’t trust your mate, ask yourself what you don’t trust about you.

It’s really about you not trusting yourself to handle the disappointment of whatever your soulmate says or does. You live in the anticipation and yet the fear of disappointment.

These tips will help you to establish and create your best relationship yet…with yourself. As you become healthier, the intensity will fade; the attachment, and feeling like you can’t breathe without them will also decrease.

In its place will be more confidence, happiness, peace and openness…a true space of freedom where real love can be expressed and lived fully.

The Tumor

For those that know me and those that only know me slightly (or not at all), I'm going through a hard time.

"The Writer," my long term on-again/off-again boyfriend, has a brain tumor that has returned for the third time in the past year. His moods are irregular and vary from fearful to angry to confused and frustrated. He is a basketcase of emotions and highly eccentric. Sometimes I want to avoid him or run away forever, and sometimes I want to hug him and never let go. He is an incredibly beautiful person with a propensity towards isolation and depression, who has somehow, some way, allowed me into his world during the scariest time of his life. Throughout the time that we have known each other he has shared his life with me, shown me great love and compassion, taken care of me when I've been ill, cheered me up when nothing else would, takes me to beautiful restaurants, invites me as his +1 to exclusive events, teaches me more about world history and human behavior than any college professor, and has shared so many jokes and silly times with me that I seriously can't imagine my life without him. He is complicated and yet thoughtful, has manners and charm.  He has also said some terrible things to me and has treated me poorly... really, really poorly. His shortcomings and the rude things he has done to me often weigh on my mind, and I wonder why I continue to stay with someone who is often unpredictable and will not "commit" to me and give me the security of exclusivity, marriage, and children despite my proven loyalty and love. He is also very ill with a brain tumor on his pituitary gland.

I cannot walk away.

I love him deeply, I love him blindly, and I love him unconditionally.

No one is perfect.

The Writer is seriously imperfect. So am I. I have confided in him more thoroughly than any other boyfriend I've ever had, and the honesty between us is perhaps the most genuine part of our relationship. It doesn't make it easier to handle his lack of commitment and the insecurity of no future plans, however. And here we are, dealing with brain tumor #3.

Complexities of relationships are not unique, and when I see any married couple, I wonder if they will become part of the 50% that stays together or the 50% that doesn't, and of that 50% that does, how happy they will be in their marriage regardless of "sticking it out." As nothing in life is certain and commitment certainly is not (vows or no vows), I dwell on the imperfect and whether honesty is more important than the pipe dream of "happily ever after." Perhaps there is no such thing, and the fairy tale we are all fed from childhood on must finally be exposed by the reality of what truly exists. Am I better off knowing the Writer won't marry me (or likely anyone)? Knowing he is honest in wanting to be with me right now (and has for the past 5 years)? Or am I under the spell of dreams and denial, wishing and hoping that he will eventually change his mind?

It's all true.

As he goes through the mental anguish of his failing health and the suffering of perhaps never being able to live without health insurance and a stable job again, I muse over my own role in his life as well as my entire purpose of being. He currently plays an integral role in my own mental health for better or for worse, my own constant struggle for clarity in a fucked up world that consistently seems to disappoint me (perhaps I should not have expectations at all in life, but it is awfully human to have some). My health is also failing; it is most likely Fibromyalgia, which is also complicated and hard to describe. I wake up in chronic pain and wearily do my best to cope with migraines and the unlikelihood of every playing derby again, and I fear being alone and suffering, alone. I am afraid of waking up without anyone caring if I come to see them, without needing me in their life. My anxiety sometimes keeps me awake all night, fearing a lonely demise into the autumn of existence, and a cold winter. I am not young anymore, and my indecisiveness in having children is starting to decide for me. I am plagued by depressing thoughts on being a failure to myself, of not realizing my full potential. I wonder how much I truly have to give to anyone at this point and in this state, and I am grateful that I have the Writer to call on me. I hate how sick he is and that he is suffering, but I am grateful that he needs me.

When my aunt died, I secretly vowed to do right by myself and not hold back from that I wished to do and see and be, and now I am heavily critical on how well I'm doing at that. Have I let myself down? Am I living for myself, or for other people and their expectations for me? Am I happy? I have no idea anymore. I would like to be authentic. That's all I know.

I do know that life is a flash. I know that at any moment it's over. I am grateful I've had this many years, and hopefully I'll have at least as many more. But whose life is this? How do I know what I am supposed to be doing with myself? How do any of us know? Will I some day feel content with what I have, or is it human nature to always want more and never feel complete?

The Writer goes into surgery again soon to have the tumor removed again. I do not know if it will come back, or if he will ever be rid of it. I do not know if I will ever feel safe. I do not know if I will ever be comfortable with that.

The Waiting Game

I have a lot of love in my heart.

I guess failed relationships are life lessons to make us stronger. I know. I have been heartbroken so many times. People just don't always want to try, and it's also hard for both parties to grow at the same pace. Some people have poor examples of healthy relationships and don't know how to treat someone. Some think that relationships are temporary and disposable. Sometimes paths split and there is nothing that can be done. It's really about courage...some have it, most do not. Are you brave enough to trust and love, or are you too afraid to be vulnerable? These are questions I always wonder about and can see clear answers in past relationships of those too afraid to move forward. I get burned a lot because I am brave and keep trying. Quitting is rarely an option for me. But many of my exes were too afraid to trust, or too damaged to try. Nothing I can do about that. 

One of the greatest lessons that keeps surfacing is that I cannot be responsible for someone else and what they do/want. It's terribly hard. I hate it when someone I love walks away. 

But like a moth to the flame...I keep trying. 

My next love wears a dark mask. He will reveal himself at some point. Don't know when...but to abandon hope now leaves me with bad feelings, so I'm sticking with the hope.

How dull life would be without love!