Wednesday, April 20, 2011
Plugging Away
Trying to keep my head above water, picking up odds and ends jobs to fill in my time, tutoring, teaching art, eating too much food, procrastinating making my art piece for the Rourke Art Gallery show. Sounds like your average day in Anywhereville, USA. Slowly losing contact with friends back in MN. That part is a little depressing, but such is life. Constantly evolving, always moving forward, shapeshifting and throwing obstacles in our paths to overcome. Still doing the derby clinic with the newbies, and we're getting ready to test out. I think only a few are going to make it as many of the girls have dropped due to life circumstances. It will all be worth it if just two of them make it to the test out...
Wednesday, March 23, 2011
Tsunami Warnings, Dog Attacks, and Other Surprises
Just plugging along over here, in the middle of the Pacific ocean.
There was a 8.9 earthquake on the coast of Japan a few weeks back. Tsunami warnings sent all of Hawaii to the hilltops and Japan had a devastating surge of ocean wipe out cities in minutes. Luckily, it was just another false alarm on Kauai. Big Island and Maui received some damage from the ripple effect, but all in all, Japan loses. I watched on news clips as an ocean of black water, debris, and flames swallowed buildings and sent cruise ships and passenger trains to the depths of the sea. The earthquake had rattled the coolant systems useless in their nuclear power plant and sent the entire country of Japan, Hawaii, and part of the West Coast of the U.S. into a panic of potassium iodide tablet purchases. Entire towns near the nuclear plant were evacuated as rumors of another Chernobyl spread like wildfire.
I had friends from all over calling to see if I was alive the day after the tsunami warning, and even though I was safely tucked in my bed that night on the top of a mountain ridge, I was watching Japan disappear on the news and thinking I might possibly die, too. Was that wave coming HERE? The countdown was the worst. We knew it was coming for hours. How big was not determined. Kauai would be hit first among the islands, which in my mind meant we would see the biggest surge. As I read about how a tsunami works, wrapping around my island from all sides and pushing everything in its path forward in a giant rush of tide, panic rose in my throat. I peered out my window, 2am, pitch black, towards the oceanfront I knew was there but could not see. Was I safe? I wasn't really sure. These are fears I've never had before. Tornadoes in the Midwest were a frightening possibility, but we had false alarms every summer, and for some reason they didn't scare me. I used to wonder why some of the students would howl and sob in the corridors of elementary school when we had tornado drills. I know, now, that perhaps a tornado was just as scary to them as this tsunami appeared to me. Unplanned, unheard of in my lifetime, and completely foreign. I didn't know how to react. I had people telling me to fill my bathtub with water, and others telling me to go to sleep, that it was nothing. What was I supposed to do? I decided to lie awake in bed until the witching hour of 3am had come and gone, uneventful. Finally I fell asleep, wind blowing peacefully through my window. Maybe next time it will be real, though. Maybe next time, I'll have an ocean outside of my window. Life is so unpredictable. Yet again, I am reminded that life is short. Yet again, I look at my bucket list and realize that I have a LOT of shit to accomplish!
Last week Oscar had his own scary moment, with a worse outcome.
I let him out to pee on a Monday morning, and when I turned away from the door, he bolted for the fence, broke through it, chased down a loose chihuahua, and tore into it. I think it would have died had I gotten there a few minutes later. The owner was of course hysterical, squealing as if her child were being slaughtered by a pack of wolves.
Of course that's what the neighbors thought.
The ex-husband screamed at me for owning such a miserable beast, that I should kill him, as I pried my dogs jaws off of the squeaky toy-sized animal. I carried my beast home in my arms, his confused expression telling me all I needed to know about his "attack." That chihuahua had earned it. They let that thing roam the block on a regular basis, and this time, he got too close to the fence. My dog's prey drive kicked in, and the hunt was on. Of COURSE I don't condone chihuahua slaughters, but I can hardly blame my dog for doing what dogs do. I can't fight against hundreds of years of genetics. I can't take the drive out of a dog that was bred to hunt rodents, protect homes, and fight. I was cited by the county for off-leash violation and must appear in court in April to determine my penalty. In the meantime, I am trying to pay the vet bill for the chihuahua, which, luckily, was pretty minor. I also put out a "runner" in the yard so that Oscar will be tethered and will not be able to breach the fence again. I started working with an animal behaviorist on Monday and she is helping me to redirect his attentions on walks and get him under control even off-leash. We have our work cut out for us, but it is a labor of love.
Surprisingly, my derby infatuation and devotion is beginning to pay off; I have successfully bartered private roller derby training for dog obedience training, and the fun doesn't stop there! Starting the Newbie Clinic on Saturdays has led to exciting prospects. Misfit Maiden of Minnesota Rollergirls has been traveling around New Zealand and Australia, and recently stumbled upon a leader of several leagues in AU that would like to hire her and MYSELF to run a Derby Clinic! They are paying for everything... flight, accommodations, food, and a grand stipend on top of it for my time! Funniest thing is, I never realized how much derby experience I was accumulating as I traveled down my road of life. Did I know I've been playing derby for 5 years already?! Holy cow! I had no idea! It's true. I started playing derby in 2007. I have played with three different leagues and was a key player and developer on two of them. I helped draft the constitution and bylaws for Oahu, and am currently drafting a constitution/bylaws for Kauai! OMG! I'm all official and stuff! I wonder if everyone has that epiphany moment in life when they realize that it's not all for nothing, and that experience really does take you somewhere... I'm so surprised, and so excited! The Bonesetter, also a former MNRG skater, has joined forces with several other skaters to form Triple Threat, another derby clinic training group. I am starting to network and explore possibilities of joining them for trainings overseas! The possibilities, as derby expands beyond the United States, are endless! At this point, I'm very excited, a little bit nervous and insecure, but also really ready to start reaping what I sow.
I have put a lot of effort, money and sacrifice into roller derby. It's about flipping time for that payback! AU in May, beeyatch!! Woot!!
"Work" remains undefined and strange. I am tutoring 2 days a week now at the Hawaiian Immersion School, where I have learned that students begin to learn English speaking and writing at the 5th grade level. I have plenty of opinions on this matter, but due to the fact that I am still learning and investigating this schooling concept from an insider's perspective, I am remaining mute on the subject. I am also working with the arts nonprofit to teach art therapy several times a month, art after school for at-risk youth in the low-income housing on Fridays, and FINALLY have received the curriculum guide for the program I was originally hired on for. We meet today to go over a battle plan on how to incorporate the expected curriculum through an art-based lesson strategy. I am excited to feel like I am earning my paycheck, and relieved to get the ball rolling so that grant resources are not being mishandled for my paycheck.
In other art-related news, Jim O'Rourke, mastermind and co-founder of the Rourke Museum in Moorhead, MN, has passed away due to a fall in his home. He will be sorely missed by the Midwest art community. I am pleased that his museum and all of it's exhibits scheduled will continue on undisturbed, including the annual Midwestern Art Invitational that I enter into every year with my father. I am currently working on my submission for this year's theme, "What Would Dante Do?" I had a quick trip back to MN a month ago and managed to find some pretty amazing pieces to use for my idea. Photos and details to come!
Staying busy, checking off items on the bucket list, realizing dreams, and tapping potential. Sounds like a good use of my life. Poverty is gonna lose, I swear!
There was a 8.9 earthquake on the coast of Japan a few weeks back. Tsunami warnings sent all of Hawaii to the hilltops and Japan had a devastating surge of ocean wipe out cities in minutes. Luckily, it was just another false alarm on Kauai. Big Island and Maui received some damage from the ripple effect, but all in all, Japan loses. I watched on news clips as an ocean of black water, debris, and flames swallowed buildings and sent cruise ships and passenger trains to the depths of the sea. The earthquake had rattled the coolant systems useless in their nuclear power plant and sent the entire country of Japan, Hawaii, and part of the West Coast of the U.S. into a panic of potassium iodide tablet purchases. Entire towns near the nuclear plant were evacuated as rumors of another Chernobyl spread like wildfire.
I had friends from all over calling to see if I was alive the day after the tsunami warning, and even though I was safely tucked in my bed that night on the top of a mountain ridge, I was watching Japan disappear on the news and thinking I might possibly die, too. Was that wave coming HERE? The countdown was the worst. We knew it was coming for hours. How big was not determined. Kauai would be hit first among the islands, which in my mind meant we would see the biggest surge. As I read about how a tsunami works, wrapping around my island from all sides and pushing everything in its path forward in a giant rush of tide, panic rose in my throat. I peered out my window, 2am, pitch black, towards the oceanfront I knew was there but could not see. Was I safe? I wasn't really sure. These are fears I've never had before. Tornadoes in the Midwest were a frightening possibility, but we had false alarms every summer, and for some reason they didn't scare me. I used to wonder why some of the students would howl and sob in the corridors of elementary school when we had tornado drills. I know, now, that perhaps a tornado was just as scary to them as this tsunami appeared to me. Unplanned, unheard of in my lifetime, and completely foreign. I didn't know how to react. I had people telling me to fill my bathtub with water, and others telling me to go to sleep, that it was nothing. What was I supposed to do? I decided to lie awake in bed until the witching hour of 3am had come and gone, uneventful. Finally I fell asleep, wind blowing peacefully through my window. Maybe next time it will be real, though. Maybe next time, I'll have an ocean outside of my window. Life is so unpredictable. Yet again, I am reminded that life is short. Yet again, I look at my bucket list and realize that I have a LOT of shit to accomplish!
Last week Oscar had his own scary moment, with a worse outcome.
I let him out to pee on a Monday morning, and when I turned away from the door, he bolted for the fence, broke through it, chased down a loose chihuahua, and tore into it. I think it would have died had I gotten there a few minutes later. The owner was of course hysterical, squealing as if her child were being slaughtered by a pack of wolves.
Of course that's what the neighbors thought.
The ex-husband screamed at me for owning such a miserable beast, that I should kill him, as I pried my dogs jaws off of the squeaky toy-sized animal. I carried my beast home in my arms, his confused expression telling me all I needed to know about his "attack." That chihuahua had earned it. They let that thing roam the block on a regular basis, and this time, he got too close to the fence. My dog's prey drive kicked in, and the hunt was on. Of COURSE I don't condone chihuahua slaughters, but I can hardly blame my dog for doing what dogs do. I can't fight against hundreds of years of genetics. I can't take the drive out of a dog that was bred to hunt rodents, protect homes, and fight. I was cited by the county for off-leash violation and must appear in court in April to determine my penalty. In the meantime, I am trying to pay the vet bill for the chihuahua, which, luckily, was pretty minor. I also put out a "runner" in the yard so that Oscar will be tethered and will not be able to breach the fence again. I started working with an animal behaviorist on Monday and she is helping me to redirect his attentions on walks and get him under control even off-leash. We have our work cut out for us, but it is a labor of love.
Surprisingly, my derby infatuation and devotion is beginning to pay off; I have successfully bartered private roller derby training for dog obedience training, and the fun doesn't stop there! Starting the Newbie Clinic on Saturdays has led to exciting prospects. Misfit Maiden of Minnesota Rollergirls has been traveling around New Zealand and Australia, and recently stumbled upon a leader of several leagues in AU that would like to hire her and MYSELF to run a Derby Clinic! They are paying for everything... flight, accommodations, food, and a grand stipend on top of it for my time! Funniest thing is, I never realized how much derby experience I was accumulating as I traveled down my road of life. Did I know I've been playing derby for 5 years already?! Holy cow! I had no idea! It's true. I started playing derby in 2007. I have played with three different leagues and was a key player and developer on two of them. I helped draft the constitution and bylaws for Oahu, and am currently drafting a constitution/bylaws for Kauai! OMG! I'm all official and stuff! I wonder if everyone has that epiphany moment in life when they realize that it's not all for nothing, and that experience really does take you somewhere... I'm so surprised, and so excited! The Bonesetter, also a former MNRG skater, has joined forces with several other skaters to form Triple Threat, another derby clinic training group. I am starting to network and explore possibilities of joining them for trainings overseas! The possibilities, as derby expands beyond the United States, are endless! At this point, I'm very excited, a little bit nervous and insecure, but also really ready to start reaping what I sow.
I have put a lot of effort, money and sacrifice into roller derby. It's about flipping time for that payback! AU in May, beeyatch!! Woot!!
"Work" remains undefined and strange. I am tutoring 2 days a week now at the Hawaiian Immersion School, where I have learned that students begin to learn English speaking and writing at the 5th grade level. I have plenty of opinions on this matter, but due to the fact that I am still learning and investigating this schooling concept from an insider's perspective, I am remaining mute on the subject. I am also working with the arts nonprofit to teach art therapy several times a month, art after school for at-risk youth in the low-income housing on Fridays, and FINALLY have received the curriculum guide for the program I was originally hired on for. We meet today to go over a battle plan on how to incorporate the expected curriculum through an art-based lesson strategy. I am excited to feel like I am earning my paycheck, and relieved to get the ball rolling so that grant resources are not being mishandled for my paycheck.
In other art-related news, Jim O'Rourke, mastermind and co-founder of the Rourke Museum in Moorhead, MN, has passed away due to a fall in his home. He will be sorely missed by the Midwest art community. I am pleased that his museum and all of it's exhibits scheduled will continue on undisturbed, including the annual Midwestern Art Invitational that I enter into every year with my father. I am currently working on my submission for this year's theme, "What Would Dante Do?" I had a quick trip back to MN a month ago and managed to find some pretty amazing pieces to use for my idea. Photos and details to come!
Staying busy, checking off items on the bucket list, realizing dreams, and tapping potential. Sounds like a good use of my life. Poverty is gonna lose, I swear!
Friday, February 4, 2011
Medical Termination and Hawaiian Immersion School
Ah... the words "Medical Termination," so bittersweet, bring slushy and somewhat acid-reflux sensations to my innards.
I thought it was all working out okay, the poverty cycle, the return to work, the endless amount of busywork being handed off to me... but right when I started to feel sure of it all, I got these pains in my neck. Literally. It would suffice to say that my boss helped bring them on, as I believe it may be attributed to my extended bedrest and "work from home" arrangement with my laptop on my stomach for hours on end. Apparently having your chin on your chest for 12+ hours a day can result in serious neck problems.
Alas, I was medically terminated from the govt. job and relieved of my worldly duties at the college. It was not a bitter ending. I was glad to do it. Unfortunately I'm still having trouble with my neck, but after living through one quack of a Chiropractor and then landing into the safety net of a new one who knows what he's doing, I can safely say that I am on the mend. I will be back to my old self in no time.
My main concern is the new job that I have taken on. Opportunities abound in the fingerpainting art world as schools K-8 have eliminated art from the curriculum. They eliminated music, too, which surprises me... but I suppose I shouldn't be surprised. After all, "art" and "music" are really just aristocratic luxuries done by the bored and lazy, right? Well, at least the educational system knows that they are the poorest industries and therefore shouldn't foster them. What concerns me the most is that due to a complete elimination of such things from education, thousands upon millions of kids that are not math and science inclined are going to slip through the cracks. They'll be lost and struggling, and not know why they feel that way. I can't imagine having gone through school without them. That's what I was good at. If I had only the subjects that made me cry and frustrated me to no end, surely my self-esteem would have plummeted. Surely I wouldn't have gone on to college.
Even more sad is that now "art" is replaced by coloring in a cartoon with crayons or colored pencils. This change is now directly upon me, as I have begun to "teach" after school art. I have an hour and a half to work some magic. I don't know where to begin.
I have also begun tutoring at a Hawaiian Immersion school, with even more disturbing curriculum than regular public schools; they don't learn English. It was nuts... I felt like I was in another country. Kinda cool, the whole idea behind preserving a culture... but let's assess this for a second. Sure, I've heard of language camp and magnet schools where a second language becomes the focus... but NO English? How will they ever get into college? I've only gone to tutor one day and really don't know much about the structure of this school... but my kneejerk reaction is that this is a HUGE disadvantage to every student enrolled. Hawaii is already last in the nation for education. How the hell will this help students catch up? They won't even be able to write an application essay.
I thought it was all working out okay, the poverty cycle, the return to work, the endless amount of busywork being handed off to me... but right when I started to feel sure of it all, I got these pains in my neck. Literally. It would suffice to say that my boss helped bring them on, as I believe it may be attributed to my extended bedrest and "work from home" arrangement with my laptop on my stomach for hours on end. Apparently having your chin on your chest for 12+ hours a day can result in serious neck problems.
Alas, I was medically terminated from the govt. job and relieved of my worldly duties at the college. It was not a bitter ending. I was glad to do it. Unfortunately I'm still having trouble with my neck, but after living through one quack of a Chiropractor and then landing into the safety net of a new one who knows what he's doing, I can safely say that I am on the mend. I will be back to my old self in no time.
My main concern is the new job that I have taken on. Opportunities abound in the fingerpainting art world as schools K-8 have eliminated art from the curriculum. They eliminated music, too, which surprises me... but I suppose I shouldn't be surprised. After all, "art" and "music" are really just aristocratic luxuries done by the bored and lazy, right? Well, at least the educational system knows that they are the poorest industries and therefore shouldn't foster them. What concerns me the most is that due to a complete elimination of such things from education, thousands upon millions of kids that are not math and science inclined are going to slip through the cracks. They'll be lost and struggling, and not know why they feel that way. I can't imagine having gone through school without them. That's what I was good at. If I had only the subjects that made me cry and frustrated me to no end, surely my self-esteem would have plummeted. Surely I wouldn't have gone on to college.
Even more sad is that now "art" is replaced by coloring in a cartoon with crayons or colored pencils. This change is now directly upon me, as I have begun to "teach" after school art. I have an hour and a half to work some magic. I don't know where to begin.
I have also begun tutoring at a Hawaiian Immersion school, with even more disturbing curriculum than regular public schools; they don't learn English. It was nuts... I felt like I was in another country. Kinda cool, the whole idea behind preserving a culture... but let's assess this for a second. Sure, I've heard of language camp and magnet schools where a second language becomes the focus... but NO English? How will they ever get into college? I've only gone to tutor one day and really don't know much about the structure of this school... but my kneejerk reaction is that this is a HUGE disadvantage to every student enrolled. Hawaii is already last in the nation for education. How the hell will this help students catch up? They won't even be able to write an application essay.
Thursday, January 6, 2011
3 Topics of Interest That I Felt Like Mentioning
1) I need the Dog Whisperer. Sometimes Oscar and I watch episodes together. I tell him it's his homework. He has small animal prey drive and I can't seem to break it. Whenever he sees something, he goes into "the red zone," as I call it, and I can't break his concentration. He just loses his shit. I've tried everything but an E-collar. I bought one, but I'm scared to use it on him. He needs something, though. A month ago he slipped out the gate and almost mauled a corgi. I had to tackle him and pry his jaws off of the poor dog. The dog wasn't hurt, but Oscar had defensive bites all over. This is not the kind of dog I want to own, and I want to be a responsible pet owner and do something before he actually hurts something... or kills it. That said, he's generally a high-energy marshmallow with a sweet disposition and is eager to please. Very endearing. Follows me everywhere and loves to cuddle. It's like he has multiple personality disorder.
2) Cooking disasters? No! Not me... okay, okay... maybe just a few. My mother, bless her heart, was not that great of a cook. She tried, but my siblings and I grew up "saving" things from the stove top before they turned into charred blobs. I have come a long way, but there are still some things I fail at. One is cooking steak. I always seem to overcook it. I know you're supposed to pull it off before it's to where you like it, but somehow I never get it right. I like my steak a healthy medium. I used to work in a lot of fine dining restaurants, so I definitely know ABOUT food, just not necessarily how to cook it. Another thing I need to work on is Alfredo sauce. Always seems grainy. I know I'm doing something wrong. Last thing I need to master, and soon, is how to blind bake a pie crust, like for a quiche. I just made one the other day and even though I thought I HAD blind baked it long enough, it was still mushy on the bottom. To make matters worse, the egg mixture didn't set fast enough and the crust edges got a little overdone.
So you see... I'm not a "toast and macaroni" type disaster... but rather, an "intermediate" "disaster. I would love to get more knowledge on some of the really basic cooking stuff I have never learned properly. You know... like sauces, crusts and breads, meats, etc. Specialties include Swedish Meatballs over garlic mashed potatoes w/ homemade cranberry sauce, lemon and dill salmon steak with flash fried green beans and a dollop of dijon mustard, and pretty much anything involving potatoes. I love potatoes :) When I was younger, I tried to bake every cake recipe in my mom's Betty Crocker cookbook. I don't think I got through them all, but I really enjoy baking. Okay, I love food. There. Now it's really obvious. I swear I work out, too! Haha
3) Roller derby is a legitimate sport now. sh*tlike flying elbows and clotheslines went out about 5 years ago. 4 years ago, at the end of my rookie season, fighting became illegal and cause for ejection and suspension. So... now, there are more rules than hockey. There is occasionally still a fight, but it is entirely legit. Bad blood happens between some of the rival teams. There is a committee that just got derby recognized by the Olympics organization, so expect to see it even more over time. There are a lot of injuries, like any sport. Common are broken legs, busted knees, and broken ribs. I've broken my right hand and my left wrist in derby. I will keep playing as long as my body lets me. My best friend started derby in D.C. 1/2 year ago. She was warming up prior to her first bout after being drafted, fell, and pulverized both bones. 2 plates and 13 screws later, she is just now walking without crutches. She will never play derby again. It's a love of the sport and a lifestyle that keeps me at it. Great for self-esteem, derby is a sport for ANY body type. Asses are... assets. Which is great. Cuz I have a nice ass. haha
2) Cooking disasters? No! Not me... okay, okay... maybe just a few. My mother, bless her heart, was not that great of a cook. She tried, but my siblings and I grew up "saving" things from the stove top before they turned into charred blobs. I have come a long way, but there are still some things I fail at. One is cooking steak. I always seem to overcook it. I know you're supposed to pull it off before it's to where you like it, but somehow I never get it right. I like my steak a healthy medium. I used to work in a lot of fine dining restaurants, so I definitely know ABOUT food, just not necessarily how to cook it. Another thing I need to work on is Alfredo sauce. Always seems grainy. I know I'm doing something wrong. Last thing I need to master, and soon, is how to blind bake a pie crust, like for a quiche. I just made one the other day and even though I thought I HAD blind baked it long enough, it was still mushy on the bottom. To make matters worse, the egg mixture didn't set fast enough and the crust edges got a little overdone.
So you see... I'm not a "toast and macaroni" type disaster... but rather, an "intermediate" "disaster. I would love to get more knowledge on some of the really basic cooking stuff I have never learned properly. You know... like sauces, crusts and breads, meats, etc. Specialties include Swedish Meatballs over garlic mashed potatoes w/ homemade cranberry sauce, lemon and dill salmon steak with flash fried green beans and a dollop of dijon mustard, and pretty much anything involving potatoes. I love potatoes :) When I was younger, I tried to bake every cake recipe in my mom's Betty Crocker cookbook. I don't think I got through them all, but I really enjoy baking. Okay, I love food. There. Now it's really obvious. I swear I work out, too! Haha
3) Roller derby is a legitimate sport now. sh*tlike flying elbows and clotheslines went out about 5 years ago. 4 years ago, at the end of my rookie season, fighting became illegal and cause for ejection and suspension. So... now, there are more rules than hockey. There is occasionally still a fight, but it is entirely legit. Bad blood happens between some of the rival teams. There is a committee that just got derby recognized by the Olympics organization, so expect to see it even more over time. There are a lot of injuries, like any sport. Common are broken legs, busted knees, and broken ribs. I've broken my right hand and my left wrist in derby. I will keep playing as long as my body lets me. My best friend started derby in D.C. 1/2 year ago. She was warming up prior to her first bout after being drafted, fell, and pulverized both bones. 2 plates and 13 screws later, she is just now walking without crutches. She will never play derby again. It's a love of the sport and a lifestyle that keeps me at it. Great for self-esteem, derby is a sport for ANY body type. Asses are... assets. Which is great. Cuz I have a nice ass. haha
Wednesday, January 5, 2011
You Have a Beautiful Soul. Wanna Fuck?
"Beauty is in the eye of the beholder."
Pretty much sums it up.
What I consider beautiful, someone else considers to be a pile of lard that has been stuffed into pantyhose and stitched crudely with industrial thread. They might gag when they discover it is lard, but I see it as a unique and valuable object that acts as a vehicle for a great idea in my head. To me, it is beautiful. Beauty, in my environment, is what draws emotion and a sentimental reminisce of positive times and experiences, feelings. Beauty is not necessarily skin deep, but can be (there is no mistaking that a beautiful woman or man will draw out the aforementioned feelings).
I am not one to deny the importance of physical beauty. Mental aspects are far more beautiful to me, however). I am willing to overlook quite a bit when a strong, healthy and curious mind is attached to a less than perfect exterior. In fact, I prefer it. I find that most beautiful people who appear flawless have deepset emotional issues, anyway, so really, their outer beauty is just a mask. I'm not into GQ and Cosmo physiques because there is nothing to squeeze. They don't even appear human to me. Like cyborgs. Models in magazines aren't perfect either, actually. Even my roommate has learned some photoshop tricks to shrink her arm fat in photos and tone up her tummy. She calls it the "photoshop diet." Deceitful? Yes. Common? Absolutely. I think just about every honest woman I know admits their flaws, and 9/10 say it's a physical one. I know some really beautiful souls, but sometimes the outer shell gets way more attention. It's a pity, but it's the way our culture portrays ideals. Having a beautiful soul won't get you laid (at least not very often).
I've done a ton of research on this, as my thesis work revolved almost entirely on body image and body modification over the course of centuries and throughout the world. I could go on and on about this subject for a really long time, but I'm thinking that might be more than I need to write on right now... so I'm going to stop.
Pretty much sums it up.
What I consider beautiful, someone else considers to be a pile of lard that has been stuffed into pantyhose and stitched crudely with industrial thread. They might gag when they discover it is lard, but I see it as a unique and valuable object that acts as a vehicle for a great idea in my head. To me, it is beautiful. Beauty, in my environment, is what draws emotion and a sentimental reminisce of positive times and experiences, feelings. Beauty is not necessarily skin deep, but can be (there is no mistaking that a beautiful woman or man will draw out the aforementioned feelings).
I am not one to deny the importance of physical beauty. Mental aspects are far more beautiful to me, however). I am willing to overlook quite a bit when a strong, healthy and curious mind is attached to a less than perfect exterior. In fact, I prefer it. I find that most beautiful people who appear flawless have deepset emotional issues, anyway, so really, their outer beauty is just a mask. I'm not into GQ and Cosmo physiques because there is nothing to squeeze. They don't even appear human to me. Like cyborgs. Models in magazines aren't perfect either, actually. Even my roommate has learned some photoshop tricks to shrink her arm fat in photos and tone up her tummy. She calls it the "photoshop diet." Deceitful? Yes. Common? Absolutely. I think just about every honest woman I know admits their flaws, and 9/10 say it's a physical one. I know some really beautiful souls, but sometimes the outer shell gets way more attention. It's a pity, but it's the way our culture portrays ideals. Having a beautiful soul won't get you laid (at least not very often).
I've done a ton of research on this, as my thesis work revolved almost entirely on body image and body modification over the course of centuries and throughout the world. I could go on and on about this subject for a really long time, but I'm thinking that might be more than I need to write on right now... so I'm going to stop.
Intentional Poverty Sufferings and Other Guilty Pleasures
This morning the espresso shots in my mocha were burnt, and I am still bitter.
I truly believe that if you start your day off with one of the simple pleasures in life that makes you happy, your whole attitude is contagiously happy. I used to just get regular mochas because I love chocolate... and Starbucks mocha chocolate sauce mix is almost like dark chocolate, which is even better. Then I started to get kinda bored with it. Raspberry is the newer addition, but I occasionally get coconut or almond to change it up. I'm not diehard about too many rituals, but my morning coffee is one of them. Without it, I feel like something is missing. There is a rollergirl friend at the Starbucks near my house, and she knows what I like. All I have to do is show up now, which is really nice when I'm overly tired and late for work. I kind of fumble through mornings. They are not one of my strengths.
I can do drip brew coffee on lazy weekends when I REALLY don't want to leave the house in my Strawberry Shortcake pajamas, but I have to have creamer. Not sugar in that, just creamer. Could be half and half if the coffee is really good... but if it's "flavored" coffee that my roommate has made out of her stash, I try to kill it's "flavor with a shitload of flavored creamer. *shudder*
Usually that's a fail, and I end up reluctantly changing out of said pajamas and driving to Starbucks. Damned flavored coffee.
Am I the "type" of person to order the same thing in a restaurant that I go to regularly? Well... I don't really go to any restaurants regularly right now. I do a LOT of cooking at home. I love food. I love going out to nice places... but I don't have any money at the moment, so I default on kitchen activities. Yesterday I made beef stew, and that's what I'm having for lunch today and tomorrow. I also made homemade gravy from the drippings to go over it. While I was cooking the stew, I also threw together a ham and cheese quiche, also from scratch. That's how I roll. I am a believer in homemade meals. I'm not a downright snob to readymade meals in the freezer section, but some things NEED to be made from scratch... like mashed potatoes and gravy. Mmmms.
Back to the restaurant thing... when I CAN afford to go out, it depends on the place. A lot of times I'll be in the mood for something in particular and will make a beeline for it... but other times I'm in an exploratory mood. I will try most things that fall within acceptable perimeters. Not big on eel sushi or uni shooters (the one with the raw quail egg and sea urchin), but I'll tear up some spicy ahi dragon rolls. Also, not too good for Spam. Very underrated meat, and very versatile. I do like a well cooked steak, but Spam will do as a breakfast food with eggs.
Oh, govt job, how you make me suffer!!
Please don't think I am worthy of praise and commendation for my govt poverty ambitions. I would love to say it was all out of the goodness of my heart that I have sacrificed a well paying job and a 1904 Victorian house on the bluff of the Mississippi River to serve the Hawaii school system, but in reality, there were some ambitious goals that I have realized upon servitude. One of them is to move to Hawaii. Another is freezing my school loan debt, which is constantly threatening to slaughter my unborn children for their blood and organs. Another, still, is the somewhat noble but also rather selfish reason of wanting to clip away from the safety net of my wonderful family and lifelong friends. Sometimes a woman just wants to know she can go at it alone.
Now that I have gotten to this point, I am ready to ditch the program prematurely in pursuit of a real job that pays me a living wage. I am sick of spreading out $200 in food stamps to last the entire month, and sick of juggling bills and gas money for my car so that I can keep the car insured and drive to work to pay the bills and have gas money. It's a huge pain in the ass to live with absolutely no money.
I'm not really feeling the altruism this program likes to pat us on the back for emanating, and I honestly think that the project I was put on last year was a complete failure (not because of what I did, but because the program was poorly executed. Not every program can succeed, I suppose). Perhaps if I had served my country in the Army or the Navy or the Marines, I would have less of a chip on my shoulder about the government and its programs. Unfortunately, I am a bit jaded. I look forward to becoming somewhat successful at something that is non-government related and is pleasurable, of which salary I can go out to eat sometimes, and occasionally splurge on some random sweater vest for my dog (kidding).
I fear I may lack discipline. That's another reason why I'm punishing myself with this job. Haha
I do care about the welfare of others, and I do enjoy and feel compelled to give back... but I am also finding that a part of me needs more... for me. Maybe that is selfish behavior, but I carry the fault of putting everyone else before me a lot of the time... and I'm ready to start getting something back. I don't know how that will be. It could just be traveling and seeing the world. That would certainly make me happy. I would love to start an Arts Center and make work again. These are some of the ideas I've been thinking about. We'll see what happens.
I truly believe that if you start your day off with one of the simple pleasures in life that makes you happy, your whole attitude is contagiously happy. I used to just get regular mochas because I love chocolate... and Starbucks mocha chocolate sauce mix is almost like dark chocolate, which is even better. Then I started to get kinda bored with it. Raspberry is the newer addition, but I occasionally get coconut or almond to change it up. I'm not diehard about too many rituals, but my morning coffee is one of them. Without it, I feel like something is missing. There is a rollergirl friend at the Starbucks near my house, and she knows what I like. All I have to do is show up now, which is really nice when I'm overly tired and late for work. I kind of fumble through mornings. They are not one of my strengths.
I can do drip brew coffee on lazy weekends when I REALLY don't want to leave the house in my Strawberry Shortcake pajamas, but I have to have creamer. Not sugar in that, just creamer. Could be half and half if the coffee is really good... but if it's "flavored" coffee that my roommate has made out of her stash, I try to kill it's "flavor with a shitload of flavored creamer. *shudder*
Usually that's a fail, and I end up reluctantly changing out of said pajamas and driving to Starbucks. Damned flavored coffee.
Am I the "type" of person to order the same thing in a restaurant that I go to regularly? Well... I don't really go to any restaurants regularly right now. I do a LOT of cooking at home. I love food. I love going out to nice places... but I don't have any money at the moment, so I default on kitchen activities. Yesterday I made beef stew, and that's what I'm having for lunch today and tomorrow. I also made homemade gravy from the drippings to go over it. While I was cooking the stew, I also threw together a ham and cheese quiche, also from scratch. That's how I roll. I am a believer in homemade meals. I'm not a downright snob to readymade meals in the freezer section, but some things NEED to be made from scratch... like mashed potatoes and gravy. Mmmms.
Back to the restaurant thing... when I CAN afford to go out, it depends on the place. A lot of times I'll be in the mood for something in particular and will make a beeline for it... but other times I'm in an exploratory mood. I will try most things that fall within acceptable perimeters. Not big on eel sushi or uni shooters (the one with the raw quail egg and sea urchin), but I'll tear up some spicy ahi dragon rolls. Also, not too good for Spam. Very underrated meat, and very versatile. I do like a well cooked steak, but Spam will do as a breakfast food with eggs.
Oh, govt job, how you make me suffer!!
Please don't think I am worthy of praise and commendation for my govt poverty ambitions. I would love to say it was all out of the goodness of my heart that I have sacrificed a well paying job and a 1904 Victorian house on the bluff of the Mississippi River to serve the Hawaii school system, but in reality, there were some ambitious goals that I have realized upon servitude. One of them is to move to Hawaii. Another is freezing my school loan debt, which is constantly threatening to slaughter my unborn children for their blood and organs. Another, still, is the somewhat noble but also rather selfish reason of wanting to clip away from the safety net of my wonderful family and lifelong friends. Sometimes a woman just wants to know she can go at it alone.
Now that I have gotten to this point, I am ready to ditch the program prematurely in pursuit of a real job that pays me a living wage. I am sick of spreading out $200 in food stamps to last the entire month, and sick of juggling bills and gas money for my car so that I can keep the car insured and drive to work to pay the bills and have gas money. It's a huge pain in the ass to live with absolutely no money.
I'm not really feeling the altruism this program likes to pat us on the back for emanating, and I honestly think that the project I was put on last year was a complete failure (not because of what I did, but because the program was poorly executed. Not every program can succeed, I suppose). Perhaps if I had served my country in the Army or the Navy or the Marines, I would have less of a chip on my shoulder about the government and its programs. Unfortunately, I am a bit jaded. I look forward to becoming somewhat successful at something that is non-government related and is pleasurable, of which salary I can go out to eat sometimes, and occasionally splurge on some random sweater vest for my dog (kidding).
I fear I may lack discipline. That's another reason why I'm punishing myself with this job. Haha
I do care about the welfare of others, and I do enjoy and feel compelled to give back... but I am also finding that a part of me needs more... for me. Maybe that is selfish behavior, but I carry the fault of putting everyone else before me a lot of the time... and I'm ready to start getting something back. I don't know how that will be. It could just be traveling and seeing the world. That would certainly make me happy. I would love to start an Arts Center and make work again. These are some of the ideas I've been thinking about. We'll see what happens.
Tuesday, December 14, 2010
Above the Mocha Poverty Line
Maybe it's silly to gauge my poverty level by mochas,
but it's nice to look forward to small rewards.
I figure if I still have $50 in the bank, though, I'm still doing better than a good percentage of the world's population.
I'm lucky to have a bed, and a roof.
no bugs (anymore).
plumbing.
hot showers.
clean clothes.
shoes.
toothpaste and toilet paper.
clean water.
no disease.
Man... really, I'm living the dream!
To be able to drink a mocha reminds me that I am really quite rich in privilege.
To be able to drink a mocha in Kauai makes me bliss out. I feel like the luckiest girl in the world. I'm going to try to hang on to that feeling next time I feel like quitting my job that pays me $5.40 an hour. Yes, the same one that I must hobble to on crutches. You know, the one that keeps ending in assignments of generating spreadsheet templates on accounting documents.
Living the dream. I'm in living color.
but it's nice to look forward to small rewards.
I figure if I still have $50 in the bank, though, I'm still doing better than a good percentage of the world's population.
I'm lucky to have a bed, and a roof.
no bugs (anymore).
plumbing.
hot showers.
clean clothes.
shoes.
toothpaste and toilet paper.
clean water.
no disease.
Man... really, I'm living the dream!
To be able to drink a mocha reminds me that I am really quite rich in privilege.
To be able to drink a mocha in Kauai makes me bliss out. I feel like the luckiest girl in the world. I'm going to try to hang on to that feeling next time I feel like quitting my job that pays me $5.40 an hour. Yes, the same one that I must hobble to on crutches. You know, the one that keeps ending in assignments of generating spreadsheet templates on accounting documents.
Living the dream. I'm in living color.
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