Back In the Saddle, But My Horse Is a Little Lame

I might've felt sick and had a small panic attack at the mall in front of one of those hair-straightening kiosks run by Russians yesterday while I was waiting for my plenty of fish bachelor to show for our scheduled first date. And I cried. Full on tears.  Then the Russians straightened my locks and tried to sell me $650 human hair extensions to feel better.

I was afraid of the "date," but not necessarily because of who this person was that I would meet for the first time; I was afraid of having to move on. Fearful of moving forward and to having to actively seek out a fulfilling partner that meets my needs. It feels inherently selfish and uncomfortable. I don't like thinking about what I need. I am used to thinking only about what other people need, so anything having to do with making myself happy is challenging. It is hard to let go of what is familiar and comfortable even when it damages me in the long run. Change is hard. Meeting new people is hard. This whole ordeal is so hard, I just want to give up.

And I have. Over and over again, and I've run back to the guy who will accept me and all of my giving ways because his world revolves around him and his needs, and I do a damn fine job of fulfilling those for him. But it's not enough for me anymore, and it's not fair to me, and everyone else who knows me tells me so. Do you think that changes my desire to run back to him? Nope. Not at all. It just makes me withhold information, isolate my private life from all of my family and friends, and take the regular emotional abuse as a side affect for his domineering behavior that allows me to not concentrate on myself. I am aware it has to stop and that it is severely damaging my self-esteem and my future by staying with him, so it would be fantastic if people stopped telling me how bad he is for me. Let me instead concentrate on the bigger issue at hand, which is why I have so much self-loathing going on that I would rather avoid my own needs altogether. That's fucked up.

Certain things happen in life that make us have a skewed perception of reality and our purpose. This is the effect of environmental factors and human interactions, and it is what makes us all have unique perspectives and experiences. Although I had plenty of great things shape who I am today (and an extremely loving, supportive family), I had several events happen at a young age that taught me I wasn't good enough, I wasn't pretty enough, and there was something wrong with my body. Guess what? No matter how many times someone tells me that isn't true, that I am smart and beautiful and perfect the way I am, IT DOES NOT CHANGE MY CORE BELIEFS. Those are instilled like computer hardware. I am working on it. It is taking a lot of time to get through. This is why psychologists have jobs.

I look at the simple fact I was able to break the pattern of this recent 5 year cycle for long enough to go on one date with a new man as a small victory. Don't pity me or feel bad that it didn't end up being a perfect match... instead, be happy for me that I went on the date and recognized that he wasn't a good fit for me. I have a telling history of falling hard and blindly for the first man who shows strong interest in me upon being recently single, so it is truly a beautiful thing to see the pouring in of text messages from this one guy, from our one date, totally wanting to hook up, and to know that it is not going to be a good fit for me. To know, with confidence, that our goals do not line up and there is no need to draw this out over another 5 years. I am proud of myself today for recognizing that.

Maybe with each failed attempt at dating I will learn more about how much I have to offer, and how important it is to respect myself. Last night I wore bright lipstick because I'm a grown-ass lady, and today is a good day, despite my migraine. Don't cry for me, Argentina.

Toxic Relationships

Fully recognizing that I'm in a toxic relationship in a looping pattern, I am re-posting this for my own reference. Recognition is one thing, getting out is quite another. How do you leave someone you love?

Solutions for a Toxic Relationship.

Via Tracy Crossleyon Aug 12, 2013

Soulmate relationships turned toxic are an opportunity to grow.

In a soulmate relationship there’s an intense feeling of connection and more than likely an inability to disengage from that person…even if it’s over or they need space. We just can’t let go, move on or get a grip on ourselves.

The way to feeling empowered is to get our power back, no matter what happens in the relationship.

In each of the tips described below, the outcome isn’t meant to change the relationship, it’s meant to allow someone an opportunity to grow and create a healthier relationship with ourselves.

The goal is for self-realization, greater confidence and building self-esteem.

Tips on how to use your toxic soulmate relationship as a growth experience:

1. Take control of you.

Stop giving away your power to your mate.

They don’t know what to do with it and it’s how you help to create a toxic environment. It’s not easy, but speak your truth—even if it scares the crap out of you. Do it and you’ll become more confident, especially when your focus is not the outcome. It’ll more than likely also create a different response from your soulmate too.

2. You create boundaries.

In your heart, you know the standards you want to live by, it takes courage to speak them and put them into action. In a soulmate situation, we may just accept what is crappy and not live into our own standards.

There’s no reason to be offensive or disrespectful to your soulmate when declaring your boundaries.

First, get clear on what you absolutely cannot tolerate, what are your non-negotiables?

Be honest and listen to your truth.

Knowing your truth and expressing it, equals vulnerability. It’s your true strength. No need to overpower or win, you’re just establishing a few ground rules on how you need to be treated. You may or may not receive respect for your boundaries, but when you stick to em’, embrace how good you feel!

If you can do this in a relationship of this intensity, you can do it anywhere.

3. If you keep doing the right thing, acting the right way and are programmed by other people’s thoughts about what you should do, stop!

There’s no greater cost then doing the right thing for the wrong reasons.

When your strategy is to kill your soulmate with kindness; give into what you assume they want from you or go out of your way for them just to gain their approval or their love, you can stop now.

It’s manipulation and the other person is aware. They will be more resistant to you. It doesn’t work and it makes you feel worse. Instead, start treating yourself to small acts of kindness. Do things for you, which engender your own love, kindness and warmth. It makes a difference.

Gain clarity on the beliefs you have about yourself, understand somewhere along the way you picked up the idea that you deserved this treatment. The intensity you feel with this person is actually the familiarity of what you grew up with and what you believe about yourself—t’s self-induced. Even if the other person feels intense too; it’s about old stuff.

4. Don’t feel shame, please realize you’re human.

Not a super hero. You may stay in an untenable situation, because you have a perfect dream. And well-meaning friends and family can make you feel worse for your inability to leave.

We want this soulmate to fit that perfect dream. It’s time to deconstruct the dream. Nothing is perfect and relationships aren’t fairy tales.

Make a commitment to see the relationship through to your emotional end. It’s not a mistake. Meaning, use this time to dig deep and realize your humanness, your lovability, your needs and the three previous tips. Stay with it (unless there is physical abuse), until you have a complete understanding of how you landed here in the first place.
Use the relationship for learning how to have a deeper acceptance of yourself.

Self-acceptance is key to a healthy relationship and there is something keeping you in a relationship in which you are rejected in some way, so be Sherlock Holmes and figure out why.

5. Your mate is a mirror; use the reflection to find answers.

You’ve probably heard what you don’t like in yourself is reflected in others.

It’s true.

Unfortunately, in a toxic soulmate relationship, it’s more about insecurities. Your insecurities are mirrored right back at you, Big Time!

If you don’t trust your mate, it’s probably the same for them, but they may exhibit it in a different way than you.

You may be outrageously jealous, and they may cheat—abandonment and distrust guaranteed! You set up these situations over and over until you gain self-awareness.

Why are you here?

What is the benefit in being in a relationship with someone who makes your insecurities feel out of control?

There’s always a benefit. It may be that you really fear a real commitment, so your imperfect soulmate keeps you safe from having to show up and be emotionally present in a relationship.

Get clear on your insecurities. If you don’t trust your mate, ask yourself what you don’t trust about you.

It’s really about you not trusting yourself to handle the disappointment of whatever your soulmate says or does. You live in the anticipation and yet the fear of disappointment.

These tips will help you to establish and create your best relationship yet…with yourself. As you become healthier, the intensity will fade; the attachment, and feeling like you can’t breathe without them will also decrease.

In its place will be more confidence, happiness, peace and openness…a true space of freedom where real love can be expressed and lived fully.

The Tumor

For those that know me and those that only know me slightly (or not at all), I'm going through a hard time.

"The Writer," my long term on-again/off-again boyfriend, has a brain tumor that has returned for the third time in the past year. His moods are irregular and vary from fearful to angry to confused and frustrated. He is a basketcase of emotions and highly eccentric. Sometimes I want to avoid him or run away forever, and sometimes I want to hug him and never let go. He is an incredibly beautiful person with a propensity towards isolation and depression, who has somehow, some way, allowed me into his world during the scariest time of his life. Throughout the time that we have known each other he has shared his life with me, shown me great love and compassion, taken care of me when I've been ill, cheered me up when nothing else would, takes me to beautiful restaurants, invites me as his +1 to exclusive events, teaches me more about world history and human behavior than any college professor, and has shared so many jokes and silly times with me that I seriously can't imagine my life without him. He is complicated and yet thoughtful, has manners and charm.  He has also said some terrible things to me and has treated me poorly... really, really poorly. His shortcomings and the rude things he has done to me often weigh on my mind, and I wonder why I continue to stay with someone who is often unpredictable and will not "commit" to me and give me the security of exclusivity, marriage, and children despite my proven loyalty and love. He is also very ill with a brain tumor on his pituitary gland.

I cannot walk away.

I love him deeply, I love him blindly, and I love him unconditionally.

No one is perfect.

The Writer is seriously imperfect. So am I. I have confided in him more thoroughly than any other boyfriend I've ever had, and the honesty between us is perhaps the most genuine part of our relationship. It doesn't make it easier to handle his lack of commitment and the insecurity of no future plans, however. And here we are, dealing with brain tumor #3.

Complexities of relationships are not unique, and when I see any married couple, I wonder if they will become part of the 50% that stays together or the 50% that doesn't, and of that 50% that does, how happy they will be in their marriage regardless of "sticking it out." As nothing in life is certain and commitment certainly is not (vows or no vows), I dwell on the imperfect and whether honesty is more important than the pipe dream of "happily ever after." Perhaps there is no such thing, and the fairy tale we are all fed from childhood on must finally be exposed by the reality of what truly exists. Am I better off knowing the Writer won't marry me (or likely anyone)? Knowing he is honest in wanting to be with me right now (and has for the past 5 years)? Or am I under the spell of dreams and denial, wishing and hoping that he will eventually change his mind?

It's all true.

As he goes through the mental anguish of his failing health and the suffering of perhaps never being able to live without health insurance and a stable job again, I muse over my own role in his life as well as my entire purpose of being. He currently plays an integral role in my own mental health for better or for worse, my own constant struggle for clarity in a fucked up world that consistently seems to disappoint me (perhaps I should not have expectations at all in life, but it is awfully human to have some). My health is also failing; it is most likely Fibromyalgia, which is also complicated and hard to describe. I wake up in chronic pain and wearily do my best to cope with migraines and the unlikelihood of every playing derby again, and I fear being alone and suffering, alone. I am afraid of waking up without anyone caring if I come to see them, without needing me in their life. My anxiety sometimes keeps me awake all night, fearing a lonely demise into the autumn of existence, and a cold winter. I am not young anymore, and my indecisiveness in having children is starting to decide for me. I am plagued by depressing thoughts on being a failure to myself, of not realizing my full potential. I wonder how much I truly have to give to anyone at this point and in this state, and I am grateful that I have the Writer to call on me. I hate how sick he is and that he is suffering, but I am grateful that he needs me.

When my aunt died, I secretly vowed to do right by myself and not hold back from that I wished to do and see and be, and now I am heavily critical on how well I'm doing at that. Have I let myself down? Am I living for myself, or for other people and their expectations for me? Am I happy? I have no idea anymore. I would like to be authentic. That's all I know.

I do know that life is a flash. I know that at any moment it's over. I am grateful I've had this many years, and hopefully I'll have at least as many more. But whose life is this? How do I know what I am supposed to be doing with myself? How do any of us know? Will I some day feel content with what I have, or is it human nature to always want more and never feel complete?

The Writer goes into surgery again soon to have the tumor removed again. I do not know if it will come back, or if he will ever be rid of it. I do not know if I will ever feel safe. I do not know if I will ever be comfortable with that.

The Waiting Game

I have a lot of love in my heart.

I guess failed relationships are life lessons to make us stronger. I know. I have been heartbroken so many times. People just don't always want to try, and it's also hard for both parties to grow at the same pace. Some people have poor examples of healthy relationships and don't know how to treat someone. Some think that relationships are temporary and disposable. Sometimes paths split and there is nothing that can be done. It's really about courage...some have it, most do not. Are you brave enough to trust and love, or are you too afraid to be vulnerable? These are questions I always wonder about and can see clear answers in past relationships of those too afraid to move forward. I get burned a lot because I am brave and keep trying. Quitting is rarely an option for me. But many of my exes were too afraid to trust, or too damaged to try. Nothing I can do about that. 

One of the greatest lessons that keeps surfacing is that I cannot be responsible for someone else and what they do/want. It's terribly hard. I hate it when someone I love walks away. 

But like a moth to the flame...I keep trying. 

My next love wears a dark mask. He will reveal himself at some point. Don't know when...but to abandon hope now leaves me with bad feelings, so I'm sticking with the hope.

How dull life would be without love!

A Story About Anxiety, Failure, and What Happens Next.

When I was an undergraduate, I had a banquet serving gig at a fancy restaurant. Two of my female co-workers and I decided it would be a great idea to open a business together and escape the restaurant industry. We plotted and planned over scotch on the rocks at our favorite after work dive bar for several months and opened up a tea house inside of my dad's gallery space on a shoestring budget. We all threw $500 in the pot as startup.

Everything was shiny and exciting until a few months in, when customers dwindled and our profits were absorbed into inventory expenses. Staffing the store hours also proved difficult, as we couldn't part our day jobs (and I was also still in school). Then, one of the partner's sisters died of anorexia, and she cut out of the agreement. 

Then there were two.

Another few months crept by, and I ended up absorbing much of the hours due to the family obligations of the other business partner. She had two twin boys and a jealous girlfriend who was unreliable with watching them. My business partner began nitpicking my father for the way he had his gallery displayed and ideas about how she thought the place should look to encourage our customers to stay. I tried supplementing our sales with live music nights and tea "salon" discussions, and "stitch n bitch" knitting nights, but in the end, I just couldn't run all of the hours myself. She bailed.

I was the last woman standing in the tea house.

It was really the end when I had a panic attack in my apartment over ants. Yes, ants. They were the thing I couldn't control. I couldn't get rid of them, there were so many of them, they were everywhere in my bathroom (okay, it was a trail of ants from behind the refrigerator in the kitchen... but I BELIEVED they were everywhere. It was very Salvador Dali-esque. I crawled into my bathtub and called my friend to come save me from the terrible insects. It was ridiculous, and terrifying, and completely irrational. I sobbed and shook in terror. I was completely overcome with grief and emotion.

Ants, it comes to be, are a big, enormous symbol in my life. A symbol of a problem that has taken over, of more than I can handle. Something overwhelming and frustrating and invasive, something that potentially has more survival instinct than I do in this crazy world (or so it seems, sometimes). In this moment of a complete meltdown, I am their host. I succumb to their marching, surrendering my apartment and all that lies outside my doors to their sticky little legs and clenching mandibles. I had to be coaxed out of the bathtub by the good friend. Therapy ensued. It would seem I had temporarily lost my mind, but really... I had lost control in my life at that point. I lost control over what I wanted to do and be. What was I doing? Whose life was I living? I was overly taxed, and something had to give. I could not sustain the amount of pressure that was weighing me down. I was drowning in commitments and expectations, in things I didn't even want for myself. 

My terror of ants was the fear of failure that filled my body with sand, the fear of my family's expectations and the fear of having to say to them that I had fought, but I had lost. My dad told me something that shocked me after that, and it brought all of that nonsense to rubble: he loved me for trying. He loved me whether I had a stupid tea house or not, so long as I was happy. My mother loved me, too, and they really didn't care about the teahouse. They took it over and converted it into a coffee house, and now my grandma runs it as a hobby.

My happiness was (and is) all my parents wanted for me. It really is that simple. 

Suddenly, life had clarity. 

I was free.

Meet Alice Pooper!

I got a bunny. Meet "Alice Pooper!"

I smuggled her to practice one Saturday so that she would go undetected by the property manager who was planning a visit! A camera bag fit her nicely. She went to stay with a friend who also has a bunny, but hers is much larger. Alice started "humping" her fixed male rabbit, much to both of our surprise! Further investigation revealed:

ALICE POOPER IS A BOY!!! 

No wonder he liked the ladies so much at Fresh Meat practice! Hahahaha

(the end)

Should I get a pet rabbit?

In the midst of my latest breakup crisis that remains slightly undefined even though it is painfully obvious that we have irreconcilable differences regarding our future, I have started to fill my days and nights with distractions. I hate coming home to an empty apartment. My apartment feels like a prison cell. It's my cinderblock palace with no windows and very little ventilation, and it may as well be a tomb. I started painting a canvas of a giant window, and then ran into the dilemma of realizing how loaded with meaning a window really was... now I can't finish it because I'm caught up trying to figure out what I want to be out there.

I took up running this week and decided that running will be my new boyfriend. I've gone twice. My new boyfriend, "Mr. Runningshoes," thinks I'm fat and out of shape. I agree with him. I had a friend who runs marathons set up a beginner plan for me to work up to longer distances that won't burn me out and make me want to quit in frustration. So far so good! I am sore today from my second run, but if I stick to going every other day, 3x a week, it should be okay. I notice already that I am enjoying the small break after work to listen to music. And I sweat buckets, like no other workout I've had in years. Btw, I HATE running. But it's working. And it's free.

To distract myself from my lonely apartment and lack of socialization, I'm thinking about getting a pet rabbit. Right now, I really dig Checkered Giants, but likely I'll get a rabbit from a rescue organization. I can't justify buying a bunny from a breeder. We shall see. If I get a checker, I'm naming it Heifer. Or Chuck. Maybe.

 I have been researching them online and I'm going to a pet expo tomorrow with a bunny-owning friend of mine. She loves her bunny, and she thinks I'll love one, too. I'm still not quite sure it's what I want because rabbits don't seem very snuggly, but I guess they're more snuggly than fish or a turtle. Plus, they can do tricks if you train them. They have a pretty long life span and can be litter trained, so those are also pluses.

I can't actually have pets in my apartment (shh), but rabbits are super quiet. I don't trust cats to be silent apartment ninjas after past experiences, and a dog is out of the question. God, I miss my dog. Ughhhhhh. I just need a sidekick. Like, bad.