I've decided that Hawaiian news is ridiculously bad.
Breaking News for the Hawaiian Islands, July 19, 2011
-A driver is sought after crashing their SUV on the main road leading to my house (Kauaihau Road). This incredibly intelligent driver fled the scene of the crime on foot and left his friends in the car with injuries to deal with the police. I'm sure they'll never find him because his car wasn't registered... right? Plus... his friends would never rat him out.
-Councilman Harimoto is being pestered by someone who decided that if Portland, OR could find a way to keep smelly homeless people out of bus stops, so can Honolulu. A city comparison study on how Portland deals with bus shelter campers is going to end all of our problems. Stinky people are such a tarnish on Honolulu's clean image. I think that all people living under bus shelters should go rent apartments now in light of the outrage, and keep their stink to themselves. We could just fly them off to San Francisco, too, I suppose...
-Vandals have chopped down 10 ACRES of papaya trees on Big Island. 10 ACRES. In the middle of the night. No one heard them because they were ninjas with machetes. There is speculation that the vandals were somehow against genetically modified food. That's right: activist, machete-wielding, yuppie ninjas!
-Police in Honolulu are baffled as to how and why a 58-year-old Wahiawa man drove into oncoming traffic on H2 at 4:28am. He killed himself, and the woman who hit his Hyundai with her Toyota SUV is in critical condition. Clearly this was a case of him playing chicken and thinking that Hyundais are better than Toyotas. Hopefully this settled any rumors of Hyundais making a comeback.
-All drivers in Kauai can rest assured as a class called Traffic Skills 101 is now underway to teach uncoordinated bicyclists how to stay away from cars. In addition to learning how to look behind them while riding, recreational riders can also learn how to change a flat tire and how to look good in spandex (personally I think that they should save the fashion portion for Traffic Skills 102, since it is such a lengthy subject).
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