New New New Year!

So here I am, back in the big city! I am living on the 16th floor in a kick ass apartment on the edge of Chinatown, adjusting to posh living. Oscar the wonderdog is tucked away in the Kalihi ghetto; I found two really awesome and extremely loving people off of craigslist who just wanted someone's dog to snuggle with until their own dogs get out of quarantine. He's really quite happy with them, and he is undergoing triathalon training regimens every morning. I'm sure I will notice his shrinking waistline a lot faster than I will my own. Oscar is adjusting much better than I am, I'm afraid.

At the risk of sounding like I'm complaining, I'm in a little bit of misery at the moment (wait... let me explain. I'm still ridiculously content).

Stripped from my dog-walking routine and normal grind of activities, I'm a bit discombobulated. Yesterday I walked for 7 miles around the city aimlessly, just trying to get accustomed to the new sights and sounds and smells... So much change to all of my senses! I ate a gyro in the food court of a mall with about 500 people, and lucky me was picked out by a creative homeless guy who claimed to be writing a book on his experience with homelessness. Amused and alone, I entertained the conversation and heard all about his Atheist approach to life including the rejection of organized success within education. He went to Boston U, you know... but his parents in Manila disowned him when he decided to research homelessness by in fact BECOMING homeless in Honolulu instead of pursuing an MBA as they wished (he calls it research). "James" told me all about his theory that whether or not a person would be willing to freely give $200+ to a homeless person without expecting it to be repaid was tied to religious beliefs. He raised my eyebrows when he then went on in detail about how people are more willing to give up sex freely to a complete stranger (a one-night stand) than they would be to give money to a stranger-knows this first hand-and that this seems to have nothing to do with religious affiliation. As entertaining as the conversation was, I had had enough after 20 minutes and was able to politely excuse myself after telling him I would consider mailing him $200 to his local Waikiki P.O. Box. Yes, I will consider it (consideration does not make a commitment). He is counting on my belief in karmic output, I think... but he doesn't seem to realize that money is closely knit to trust-and I had no reason to trust anything he told me was even true. I wouldn't even borrow some of my friends $200, let alone give it away to a stranger for no reason whatsoever. Well, enough about homeless swindlers. Lets think about changes.

Some changes are good, some of them not good. I'm finding that my perceptions-and consequently the realistic version of events-doesn't play out the way you want every time. Rarely, ANY time. It's always different than you thought it would be.

That has definitely been my experience with relationships, and this one is no different. I'm now living with this strange man that I adore, but I think we both feel a great amount of stress from the risks that we are both taking by allowing each other into close proximity. It is hard to trust when you have been stripped of your naivety through abusers and users, and this causes me to view all new relationships as both perilous and somewhat scary. So you know... I'm struggling with the growing pains of adjustment in home life followed by how other new events in my life affecting all of that on top when I get home. Add in "that time of the month." This seems to be my personal Molotov cocktail. I've been pacifying my emotional rollercoaster with naughty food, but what I think will really do the trick is when I get back on the roller skates this weekend at the annual derby tournament. Despite not having practiced in weeks, I think that outlet will be the remedy to all of my problems. If I am disillusioned into believing that roller derby will save me, let me continue to believe. Here I am in this amazing city with all of these glorious opportunities glittering like gold, and I'm ragefully PMSing. Thank goodness for contact sports!

Today's work day was so distracting that I didn't even think of my dog until I got home, and it was really cool to walk around the capitol and settle in a bit. I know that this will be a great challenge for me and I'm stoked about it. Hopefully the relationship will turn into a prize worth fighting for... but what my dating history tells me is that caution is a virtue... right next to trust and patience. So yet again I apply my continued studies in Buddhist philosophy, letting go to just be.