When There is Sadness, There Are Song Lyrics

Fucking cancer. I just hate it. I hate that it stole away everything he had, and left everyone he knew with so much heartache. My heart burns with love and sadness from all of the memories I have to try to save forever, never realizing how valuable they would be. They are all I have of him now. I didn't know how important it would be to play on his indoor soccer team every season or I would've done it more than once. I didn't know how lucky I was to be invited to all of his parties or I would've gone to all of them. If I had known his life would be so short, I wouldn't have pissed away so many of our plans. I'm angry at myself for not paying better attention. Do we all feel that way about people after they have died? I'm afraid of everything else I have missed in life from all of the other people I care about. Will I regret missing everything else, too? I'm sorry for everything I have missed. I can't take it back. I wish I could have been there more. Or maybe I couldn't possibly have been there more, and I need to accept that.

Today it was the band Bastille that rocked my world, dried my tears long enough to go back to work, and helped me see perspective and light when I learned Aaron had died. It was the only thing that made me feel better.

Bastille
Weight of Living, Pt. II: All This Bad Blood

I can't say the words aloud
so in rhyme I wrote you down
now you'll live through the ages
I can feel your pulse in the pages
I have written you down now
and all the world will read you
I have written you down now
you will live forever
in eyes not yet created
on tongues that are not born
you will live forever
forever

Embracing Personal Sadness as a Path to Awakening

I had a particularly horrible day today. There are some inexplicable things that I allow to happen that I shouldn't, and often I suffer in my head for making mistakes. There is truth behind the old saying that we are, in fact, our own worst enemies. Even worse is that I am so incredibly embarrassed and ashamed of my decisions lately that I don't even want to air my grievances with my closest friends. Everyone has their own coping mechanisms to pacify themselves through rough days, and when the going gets tough, I turn to Ben & Jerry's "Cherry Garcia," or peanut butter M&M's.

Today I bought both before coming home.

I also did some things for myself that are less about guilty secret eating; I took a bath to center myself. Then, I turned to spiritual guidance like millions upon billions of people worldwide. It is the spiritual path that reminds us about the purpose of life's daily struggles and the meaning we might grasp even in our darkest hours. It's no secret that I relate best to Buddhist teachings; often it is Pema Chodron's lessons about inner stillness, living in the present, and enlightenment through suffering that keep me in life's good fight. I stumbled upon a blog that had this article.

Here is one of the most relevant comments in the article summarizing my struggle today:

"The futility of life, as we have been living it, is not the fault of our upbringing; we cannot blame it on society or the insufficiency of religion. Truly relating to our personal suffering means that out of all the assholes we have met, we are, perhaps, the biggest; out of all the bullies we have faced, no one, other than the one we created, so ruthlessly suppressed that silent voice of authenticity that always asked us to be true to our Self. Second, it puts us in a very compromising position. We are forced to learn to love ourselves, even the part of us we hate for having created this terrifying situation."

I honestly don't know why I choose such difficult paths in my life-and why I find the safe routes to be inaccessible-but I do. Again and again, I choose challenging life partners, occupations that don't quite mesh with my skill sets/personality, and social situations that start to unravel at the seams after a few short months. Of course I have friends and lovers, enjoy work from time to time and smile often... but these dark days, the ones that leave a void inside of me and cause me to question my judgement, sanity, decision-making, mental capacity and overall well-being, are so rattling that I actually daydream wild fantasies about walking right out of my life and disappearing into the abyss.
Of course, I have far too much love and respect for my family and friends to intentionally disappear off the face of the earth, but isn't it startling to have such an idea enter my head in the middle of a difficult situation? Why do I have a fleeing mentality to just pick up and go?

I've never been a quitter, but boy does my abusive bully of an alter-ego make me want to give up sometimes. I want to hide from the world in my room and eat ice cream, or just walk away from everything and start over. It's very difficult to face the disappointments of not fulfilling our personal expectations. Even harder, the recurring thoughts of failure and anger that I feel towards myself when I make bad errors in judgement/in action. I don't like to let people down. I also don't like to let myself down. Life is hard, and some days are a huge struggle for survival. It amazes me that even though my basic needs are now in order, I am drowning in feelings of inadequacy and personal disappointment. I would like to think that I deserve happiness and a loving relationship with someone who will comfort me in times of great distress and life tests, but I have not arrived. I am disappointed in myself. I am trying really hard to accept the anger I feel inside without blaming other people, and trying equally hard to accept that I have painted myself into this corner to learn something.

Oh my goodness.
It really sucks to own up to our own doing.