September, the Birthday month

September marks another smudge on my life calendar, forcing me to come face to face with my ticking clock and assess personal ambitions. It always feels foolish to look back on life lists that I have created (even after just a few short months) to see what I unrealistically hoped to accomplish. Sigh.
I guess that's part of the wisdom that we gain with each year of life. We must swallow our pride and our silly egos, recognize that we are imperfect beings filled with years of expert procrastination techniques, and let go of dreams that may be a little out of our reach. One of those will be my dream of working in a museum. I can't seem to land a job in one, which brought forth my epiphany about how much in life is completely out of our control; I cannot make a museum hire me, or show my work. Plus, if I really did want to have a piece of art in a museum some day, logic tells me that I should probably be making an exponential amount of artwork so that something can be seen to be put into one. Oh yeah. Kinda need to make art to show art. Unless you are an excellent performance artist that knows how to pull off something pretty amazing.

In the meantime, as I let some dreams die, other random interests have turned profitable; I am now baking cookies for a local coffee shop to the tune of 12 dozen per week!



Just simple cookies for now, such as chocolate chip or white chocolate macadamia nut... but it's a start. I am more amused than rich by this venture, but pleased that homebaked goods are making a comeback. I've always found storebought cookies to lack a certain richness, and after some thought have determined that the richness I crave is simply the taste of real butter. Now, I know that butter is actually in storebought cookies... but for some reason the taste of it is more prominant in a freshly baked one made from scratch. I'm no scientist, but by golly my taste buds cannot be wrong!

Also in the works: cupcake experiments including cherry-filled red velvet with homemade cream cheese frosting. For now the cupcake endeavor remains unmarketed, but I enjoy it very much (and so do my friends).

Officer Thune....or Officer Crush?

In between all of my failures that are building my character day by day, there are a few moments of success. One of those happened mid-month when I took the Police test.



Because of my severe test anxiety (I cried and dry-heaved when my professor handed out the Art History Comp Testout in grad school), I took a prep course that allowed anyone planning to take the test to study and take pre-tests. It went great-I was aceing the tests and felt pretty confident-but I know myself and my issues with test performance under pressure.

I went to the exam early, left my completely untouched latte in my car in the sun for afterwards, double/triple checked my purse for earplugs and a #2 pencil, and waited outside of the testing site listening to Journey's "Don't Stop Believing" on my ipod. Two nervous girls were chittering about how they failed the test last time by 1%... meaning they had gotten 69% on the test (and consequently 31 questions wrong). I looked around nervously for my barista buddy that was planning on taking it as well, and saw him come in the door right at the end. **sigh of relief** Everything was gonna be okay.

On the 100-question test, about half of it was reading comprehension and summarization. Unlike the practice exams, the caliber of the language and complexity of the material to summarize was significantly higher. I started to panic just a little bit when I got to the section on Ethics, which was something not mentioned in the course. Upon further thought, you can't practice street smarts in a way that will effectively make you better at it... you either get it, or you don't. If you are socially incompetent, you would probably fail this section.
Some of the test was simply choosing the correct definitions of very uncommon words, such as "apprise" and "corroborate." Some questions were just on spelling and grammar. The last portion was probably the biggest brainbender, measuring our logical reasoning abilities. The multiple choice question answer choices would be pictograms with shapes, and the question would be something like "Which picture shows a hexagon to the left of the square, underneath a circle, surrounded by an oval, with a triangle above the square?" After answering 50 comprehension questions and being quizzed on finding grammar mistakes, I assure you... my brain was tired. I finished my test first, panicked because I was the first one done, and re-checked my answers twice before finally turning it in.

I was awarded a 90% on my test! I guess that makes all of the headaches worth it.

Now I must wait for the next phase of the hiring process, which is some sort of a personality questionnaire that I have not yet received. Hiring to get to the Academy portion of being a Police Officer is a 12 step process, so if this is all conducted on Hawaii time (which it seems to be), it could be a while. I'll be sure to keep everyone posted.

<3

How I Want My Life To Be

How I want things to be, and the small steps I will take to make it happen

When I wake up in the morning, I want to wake up without an alarm clock. I want to be in a big bed with lots of soft pillows that have nice, matching linen on them without any tears or stains. My dog will sleep by my feet or on his new dog bed that I have bought with my first paycheck from a new job working at a job that challenges me and uses my brain. I look forward to going to work, especially when I get to take business trips to other countries. My job is demanding, and often my duties vary depending on the project. I have to be able to buckle down and get things done under tight deadlines and that challenges me. I am rewarded through the aforementioned travel as well as through networking opportunities. I will secure a promising career track within the next 5 years. Although it will be a struggle to work up the ladder, it will be a great fit for my skill set and I will be valued in my position.

Daily exposure to art inspires my own artistic practice, and I eventually have my own studio where I build up a strong enough body of art to have a show. It may not be a huge show, but it will be an honor. My exhibit will come from a lot of hard work and perseverance, but its completion will be very satisfying to me.

I envision myself making enough money to sustain a moderate standard of living that will allow me to continue with extracurriculars (roller derby) for at least another five years. Within that time frame, I will pursue several side ventures including derby boot camp instruction in other countries as well as the business project that I am currently developing with a friend. This will not be my project entirely and I will own only a small part of the company, but that will not bother me and will be more of an amusement. It will obtain some success and become an investment to me. My derby relationships will remain extremely critical in pursuing career ventures, and it will be very important to forge new connections within my derby network as I get closer to hanging up my skates. My involvement with teaching derby boot camps will secure these friendships and enlarge my social circle exponentially worldwide.

My relationship with one particular man will develop slower than I would like, but with positive results. It will be his caution that becomes the glue of its stability, and over time we will grow to be great friends and companions. We may or may not have children, but we will definitely be happy. Having a stable companion will allow me to see past the false security of a nuclear family unit and put more value on a lasting bond. If we do have kids, it will probably only be one by birth and another by adoption. Marriage may or may not happen, but that won't ruin things.

Due to the industry that I will be working in and the industry of my partner, we will travel frequently. We will both be able to utilize time in these other countries to pursue personal interests and creativity as well as justify the trips for work-related reasons. We will work as a team to establish a strong system that allows us to get away with it. I look to this man as having more of the brains to the operation, where I will have more of the labor in making arrangements and finding places to stay.
There will be large portions of time where I will be away from my partner, but I will be so occupied with work duties and Roller Derby Boot Camp Trainings that it will work out harmoniously. Both of us will find happiness in our times apart from each other as well as a renewed sense of appreciation for one another in the other's absence. It will cause us to simultaneously enjoy the time away as well as find new reasons to be together.

I will outlive my partner, but there will be many things left behind that will survive him. Our offspring will be greatly inspired by his gifts. They will have my good looks and his brains. My family will be able to work out anything with time and patience. We will be loyal and loving. I will be satisfied in death by my accomplishments, and will complete a memoir of my life's ramblings upon my partner’s death. I may be writing it in his final years. It will include many stories of my travels and experiences as well as insight to what it is like to live as a post-modern woman in the body of a naughty 60's housewife. It will be well received and my greatest work.

Concentrating on the next year of my life will involve a move to a bigger city, then a move to an even bigger city within another 5 years.

A recap of Hawaii's latest "TOP NEWS" stories

I've decided that Hawaiian news is ridiculously bad.

Breaking News for the Hawaiian Islands, July 19, 2011

-A driver is sought after crashing their SUV on the main road leading to my house (Kauaihau Road). This incredibly intelligent driver fled the scene of the crime on foot and left his friends in the car with injuries to deal with the police. I'm sure they'll never find him because his car wasn't registered... right? Plus... his friends would never rat him out.

-Councilman Harimoto is being pestered by someone who decided that if Portland, OR could find a way to keep smelly homeless people out of bus stops, so can Honolulu. A city comparison study on how Portland deals with bus shelter campers is going to end all of our problems. Stinky people are such a tarnish on Honolulu's clean image. I think that all people living under bus shelters should go rent apartments now in light of the outrage, and keep their stink to themselves. We could just fly them off to San Francisco, too, I suppose...

-Vandals have chopped down 10 ACRES of papaya trees on Big Island. 10 ACRES. In the middle of the night. No one heard them because they were ninjas with machetes. There is speculation that the vandals were somehow against genetically modified food. That's right: activist, machete-wielding, yuppie ninjas!

-Police in Honolulu are baffled as to how and why a 58-year-old Wahiawa man drove into oncoming traffic on H2 at 4:28am. He killed himself, and the woman who hit his Hyundai with her Toyota SUV is in critical condition. Clearly this was a case of him playing chicken and thinking that Hyundais are better than Toyotas. Hopefully this settled any rumors of Hyundais making a comeback.

-All drivers in Kauai can rest assured as a class called Traffic Skills 101 is now underway to teach uncoordinated bicyclists how to stay away from cars. In addition to learning how to look behind them while riding, recreational riders can also learn how to change a flat tire and how to look good in spandex (personally I think that they should save the fashion portion for Traffic Skills 102, since it is such a lengthy subject).

In the Mud of Self Discovery

I feel like I've been asking myself the question of "What Should I Be When I Grow Up?" for years now. Shouldn't I know by now?

I've worked in so many fields and traveled, seen stuff, picked up weird jobs... why can't I put it all together? I'm having a career crisis that is lasting for years. This economy is still pretty bad, but then I went and moved to a rural island. What was I thinking??

Currently, I work for a nonprofit that teaches anti-drinking/drugs and no-alcohol curriculum, infusing art lessons in whenever possible to make it interesting and tolerable. On Fridays I work for the housing projects teaching art to the at-risk youth, and have to suffer through watching these poor kids deal with family members that are incarcerated and parents that are quite likely abusing them. It's really sad. It makes me cry in my car. On my off days, I try to pick up hours with my derby wife's vacation rental cleaning business, which is definitely a shift in skills and somewhat refreshing. I don't mind manual labor... it makes the time go quickly. I am in negotiations to pick up some work with a guy my roommate knows that does faux-finishing and home decoration projects, so if that happens, at least I will be getting back into the artisan industry. I lowballed him on a rate in hopes that he will take me in and give me some steady hours.

I am beginning to contemplate some other options. I don't like the idea... but a girl's got student loans... and a grocery bill.. and rent...

He Is Coming

Guard your heart

He has lovely words that sing for days,
like sirens in Bermuda

Be wary... he is coming
and you, dear, are not ready.

Look at you,
your heart dangling from ribbon,
displayed behind glass

Be warned... the buzzards are circling
the forest, silent

he has arrived

Tasmanian devils are adorable until they eat

So, Australia was pretty epic. There were so many crazy adventures and weird experiences that I have no idea where to start...

I guess maybe with the whole reason for being there... the derby clinic. First off, two of the local papers called Misfit and I "International Roller Derby Stars," making me so nervous and embarrassed that I just about crawled in my skin. That's a hella lot of pressure! Luckily, their eyes only stayed big and starstruck upon our arrival to the clinic for the first half hour or so. Then they started to loathe us. We have really awesome endurance drills, apparently ;)
Part of what was so amazing, despite the fact that this was 10 leagues and about 150 girls, was that it was all organized by the Victorian Roller Sports Commission, led by a really cool woman who likes the derby and likes where it is headed. The ten leagues got together to do the clinic because the big league in their state, VRDL, wasn't assisting them or helping them in any way to get organized and figure out how to go about things. They brought Misfit and I in to help structure their practices and teach them drills to work on basic skills and simple strategy. Most of the skaters had never been in a bout and only a few had ever scrimmaged, so really, we were working from the ground up. They were super enthusiastic about learning new things and were really respectful of Misfit and myself, and they didn't even groan when I made them do push ups for talking while I was explaining drills..

So the clinic was two 6-hour days, with a barrage of derby stuff. Misfit and I would powwow before each day to go over what drills each of us was doing and when we would switch groups, and by the end of the weekend, I had an amazing list of new material that Misfit added to my existing spreadsheet! I'm super pumped to have such a valuable resource. The clinic was a huge success and they are already talking about bringing the two of us back in January, when all of the teams will be ready to start bouting. I am really excited about that prospect, but I don't want to get my hopes up. It's pretty tough to get away from work for that long. I hope it works out.

After we did the clinic, Blondage (the rollergirl that put us up), Misfit, TnTeegs (another skater) and myself took an adventure trip to Tasmania! We had a blast. We did a ghost tour of Port Allen, wore tiger print Snuggies in public at every opportunity, and generally made an ass of ourselves on a regular basis. The funniest part was that I was fully expecting to have to deal with a lot of drunken nights where I was babysitting three adult babies. That wasn't the case at all. Contrary to the party girl image that many derby girls portray, we barely went out! Any drinking was brief and in moderation as I sipped cocoa before bed. We're a bunch of Nanas! Haha Oh well. Shh! Don't tell anyone! We like sleep!

After a very exciting trip, we returned to Melbourne area and taught two more day clinics for two different leagues, reinforcing some of the drills we had done in the camp. It was a great experience and a great time. I hope I can figure out how to do more of this derby clinic stuff. It really suits me ;)