New New New Year!

So here I am, back in the big city! I am living on the 16th floor in a kick ass apartment on the edge of Chinatown, adjusting to posh living. Oscar the wonderdog is tucked away in the Kalihi ghetto; I found two really awesome and extremely loving people off of craigslist who just wanted someone's dog to snuggle with until their own dogs get out of quarantine. He's really quite happy with them, and he is undergoing triathalon training regimens every morning. I'm sure I will notice his shrinking waistline a lot faster than I will my own. Oscar is adjusting much better than I am, I'm afraid.

At the risk of sounding like I'm complaining, I'm in a little bit of misery at the moment (wait... let me explain. I'm still ridiculously content).

Stripped from my dog-walking routine and normal grind of activities, I'm a bit discombobulated. Yesterday I walked for 7 miles around the city aimlessly, just trying to get accustomed to the new sights and sounds and smells... So much change to all of my senses! I ate a gyro in the food court of a mall with about 500 people, and lucky me was picked out by a creative homeless guy who claimed to be writing a book on his experience with homelessness. Amused and alone, I entertained the conversation and heard all about his Atheist approach to life including the rejection of organized success within education. He went to Boston U, you know... but his parents in Manila disowned him when he decided to research homelessness by in fact BECOMING homeless in Honolulu instead of pursuing an MBA as they wished (he calls it research). "James" told me all about his theory that whether or not a person would be willing to freely give $200+ to a homeless person without expecting it to be repaid was tied to religious beliefs. He raised my eyebrows when he then went on in detail about how people are more willing to give up sex freely to a complete stranger (a one-night stand) than they would be to give money to a stranger-knows this first hand-and that this seems to have nothing to do with religious affiliation. As entertaining as the conversation was, I had had enough after 20 minutes and was able to politely excuse myself after telling him I would consider mailing him $200 to his local Waikiki P.O. Box. Yes, I will consider it (consideration does not make a commitment). He is counting on my belief in karmic output, I think... but he doesn't seem to realize that money is closely knit to trust-and I had no reason to trust anything he told me was even true. I wouldn't even borrow some of my friends $200, let alone give it away to a stranger for no reason whatsoever. Well, enough about homeless swindlers. Lets think about changes.

Some changes are good, some of them not good. I'm finding that my perceptions-and consequently the realistic version of events-doesn't play out the way you want every time. Rarely, ANY time. It's always different than you thought it would be.

That has definitely been my experience with relationships, and this one is no different. I'm now living with this strange man that I adore, but I think we both feel a great amount of stress from the risks that we are both taking by allowing each other into close proximity. It is hard to trust when you have been stripped of your naivety through abusers and users, and this causes me to view all new relationships as both perilous and somewhat scary. So you know... I'm struggling with the growing pains of adjustment in home life followed by how other new events in my life affecting all of that on top when I get home. Add in "that time of the month." This seems to be my personal Molotov cocktail. I've been pacifying my emotional rollercoaster with naughty food, but what I think will really do the trick is when I get back on the roller skates this weekend at the annual derby tournament. Despite not having practiced in weeks, I think that outlet will be the remedy to all of my problems. If I am disillusioned into believing that roller derby will save me, let me continue to believe. Here I am in this amazing city with all of these glorious opportunities glittering like gold, and I'm ragefully PMSing. Thank goodness for contact sports!

Today's work day was so distracting that I didn't even think of my dog until I got home, and it was really cool to walk around the capitol and settle in a bit. I know that this will be a great challenge for me and I'm stoked about it. Hopefully the relationship will turn into a prize worth fighting for... but what my dating history tells me is that caution is a virtue... right next to trust and patience. So yet again I apply my continued studies in Buddhist philosophy, letting go to just be.

You Have To Jump In Order To Fly

My life for the past few years has been much like a washing machine on the "Industrial" setting. I have cleansed and purged repeatedly, with new mud surfacing shortly after I thought I removed all my stains. It is the cycle of life, a cataclysmic stormfront of shifting winds and unpredictable weather. I am proud to say I'm surviving, but sometimes I lie awake late at night listening to my heart beat, surprised it still is. Everyone has trials in their existence-I just chose a hard path. I love the adventure of risk, the change of scenery, the new friendships forged, the feeling of accomplishment when the gears of daily life start turning smoothly. I also hate the disappointment of squeaky dysfunction when I am barraged with bad events... like a motorcycle accident, a lost job, tire bursting, a month-delayed paycheck. This life of adventure is hard work. I wouldn't prefer a simple life free of stress, as that would involve no change and no adventure... but a little less misfortune would be fabulous.

In a brief synopsis of 2010: I started the year on bedrest in a miserable state after a motorcycle collision, lost my job because of it, recovered fully, worked multiple jobs, renewed my vows to roller derby after near-retirement, guest-coached in Australia, and am now leaving Kauai back to Oahu in order to try a new set of calculated risks.

I have endured pain, uncertainty, forced poverty, and hard luck. I have lived off of food stamps and government insurance coverage, scraping together hours between nonprofits for good causes and vacation rental cleaning gigs. I have swallowed my pride to do whatever it took to make my desires reality, hawking home baked cookies to strangers out of a Walmart bag in order to fund my derby dream of Rollercon.

I silently worked on my patience and compassion as I partnered up with an elderly co-worker who feared projects not involving kit instructions. Life is not just my challenge, but the challenges of others, as well. My journey helps others in their journeys. Hopefully what I have contributed to the derby league on this island will set a stronger foundation for a lasting league, one fed continuously through concentration on new recruitment and skills testing to decrease injuries. All one can do is hope that their contributions are good ones, welcomed and loved for their intention and their positivity. I hope that I wasn't seen as a negative curmudgeon by all of the people I came across on Kauai, but the feeling persists due to how my year started. One of the hardest lessons in life is to attempt positivity in the face of adversity, choosing to live fully and through doing instead of shrinking back in fear and discouragement. It was a tough run. This island is beautiful and rugged, and awfully hard to find work on.

I also took on an unpaid mural project for a friend of a friend to prove to myself that I still had some sort of artistic blood within me that hasn't shriveled up from the crafting projects of my day job (I am just now finishing it). The mural started slowly and I did plenty of procrastinating, but I believe I will be proud of it in the end... which to me is a big deal. It isn't just a school logo anymore... it's my own design and proof that I still have tools in my toolbox. It is my art therapy.

Oscar the dog will be neatly packed once more into a crate for our next Oahu adventure. I will take my calculated risk as a Legislative Aide for a wonderful senator. I am moving in with my boyfriend. I am riddled with nerves and insecurities, but the only way to know whether it will work is to try. We all have our problems and our demons, and so it goes. I will make the move and rely on my positive (yet cautious) attitude, believing that this is the journey that I am meant to explore. Life is one big adventure, and I continue to leap into the darkness with joy.

Garden

Garden

Lying in the grass wet with dew
Lusty scented earth
Cold beneath my weight
Morning sun stretching its legs,
blanketing my body
Warm, like your touch
when your hands slide down my side,
resting on my hip
The weight of your thoughts is the weight of your hand
Your life heavy in my ear
Each caress like a kiss
I am yearning for your love
You feed me morsels of words and embraces
But in between
I am a desert that used to be a garden, waiting for the rain
The hush of the wind is my patience

Don’t hurry, dear,
but do come home.

Costumes and Shenanigans!

One of the great joys of October is carefully plotting out and executing the perfect Halloween costume. When I was younger it was often pieced together from the elaborate "costume closet" in my mother's sewing room. My siblings and I would look through the rubble of year's past on the shelves and imagine the possibilities, often trying out costume hybrids, like Undead Strawberry Shortcake.



Ernie the Witch and Dinosaur Michael Jackson would lead to discussions ending in Ernie's sweater REALLY looking a lot like that of Freddy Krueger... so then an entirely new costume would be created around the sweater. We would tear apart my mom's sewing room weeks in advance in search of sewing needles, scraps of fabric, forgotten scarves and bags of Goodwill donations... and then pester the parents for paints, tape, glue. As we got older, the pestering got more intense. "We need a machete! We need stilts! We need Chinese throwing stars!"

Of course, my parents were great at saying no when we were young... but they were equally great at giving us alternative ideas and options. They encouraged our explosive creativity by making sure that no costume idea was an entire failure, my mother working tirelessly at the sewing machine to get a pattern for "Wonderwoman" precisely right to match the original costume of the 80's heroine,



or the Simpsons family member costumes altered to fit us all as we labored for hours on their paper mache heads. I remember my sister working on her Freddy Krueger razor hand made up of Asian paper fan blades for hours. It turned out amazing. All of that creativity in our house only increased as we got older. My brother still wins costume contests for his Pirate outfits, my sister makes kids giggle with her uncanny resemblance to Pippy Longstocking, and I get oogled at for renditions of Sheera, Barbarella, or Marie Antoinette (complete with a hand-constructed guillotine in my wig made with a cigar clipper).




This year was no exception with my impersonation of one of the most famous female artist in modern times... Ms. Frida Kahlo. The best part of Halloween is portraying someone who is larger than life.

September, the Birthday month

September marks another smudge on my life calendar, forcing me to come face to face with my ticking clock and assess personal ambitions. It always feels foolish to look back on life lists that I have created (even after just a few short months) to see what I unrealistically hoped to accomplish. Sigh.
I guess that's part of the wisdom that we gain with each year of life. We must swallow our pride and our silly egos, recognize that we are imperfect beings filled with years of expert procrastination techniques, and let go of dreams that may be a little out of our reach. One of those will be my dream of working in a museum. I can't seem to land a job in one, which brought forth my epiphany about how much in life is completely out of our control; I cannot make a museum hire me, or show my work. Plus, if I really did want to have a piece of art in a museum some day, logic tells me that I should probably be making an exponential amount of artwork so that something can be seen to be put into one. Oh yeah. Kinda need to make art to show art. Unless you are an excellent performance artist that knows how to pull off something pretty amazing.

In the meantime, as I let some dreams die, other random interests have turned profitable; I am now baking cookies for a local coffee shop to the tune of 12 dozen per week!



Just simple cookies for now, such as chocolate chip or white chocolate macadamia nut... but it's a start. I am more amused than rich by this venture, but pleased that homebaked goods are making a comeback. I've always found storebought cookies to lack a certain richness, and after some thought have determined that the richness I crave is simply the taste of real butter. Now, I know that butter is actually in storebought cookies... but for some reason the taste of it is more prominant in a freshly baked one made from scratch. I'm no scientist, but by golly my taste buds cannot be wrong!

Also in the works: cupcake experiments including cherry-filled red velvet with homemade cream cheese frosting. For now the cupcake endeavor remains unmarketed, but I enjoy it very much (and so do my friends).

Officer Thune....or Officer Crush?

In between all of my failures that are building my character day by day, there are a few moments of success. One of those happened mid-month when I took the Police test.



Because of my severe test anxiety (I cried and dry-heaved when my professor handed out the Art History Comp Testout in grad school), I took a prep course that allowed anyone planning to take the test to study and take pre-tests. It went great-I was aceing the tests and felt pretty confident-but I know myself and my issues with test performance under pressure.

I went to the exam early, left my completely untouched latte in my car in the sun for afterwards, double/triple checked my purse for earplugs and a #2 pencil, and waited outside of the testing site listening to Journey's "Don't Stop Believing" on my ipod. Two nervous girls were chittering about how they failed the test last time by 1%... meaning they had gotten 69% on the test (and consequently 31 questions wrong). I looked around nervously for my barista buddy that was planning on taking it as well, and saw him come in the door right at the end. **sigh of relief** Everything was gonna be okay.

On the 100-question test, about half of it was reading comprehension and summarization. Unlike the practice exams, the caliber of the language and complexity of the material to summarize was significantly higher. I started to panic just a little bit when I got to the section on Ethics, which was something not mentioned in the course. Upon further thought, you can't practice street smarts in a way that will effectively make you better at it... you either get it, or you don't. If you are socially incompetent, you would probably fail this section.
Some of the test was simply choosing the correct definitions of very uncommon words, such as "apprise" and "corroborate." Some questions were just on spelling and grammar. The last portion was probably the biggest brainbender, measuring our logical reasoning abilities. The multiple choice question answer choices would be pictograms with shapes, and the question would be something like "Which picture shows a hexagon to the left of the square, underneath a circle, surrounded by an oval, with a triangle above the square?" After answering 50 comprehension questions and being quizzed on finding grammar mistakes, I assure you... my brain was tired. I finished my test first, panicked because I was the first one done, and re-checked my answers twice before finally turning it in.

I was awarded a 90% on my test! I guess that makes all of the headaches worth it.

Now I must wait for the next phase of the hiring process, which is some sort of a personality questionnaire that I have not yet received. Hiring to get to the Academy portion of being a Police Officer is a 12 step process, so if this is all conducted on Hawaii time (which it seems to be), it could be a while. I'll be sure to keep everyone posted.

<3

How I Want My Life To Be

How I want things to be, and the small steps I will take to make it happen

When I wake up in the morning, I want to wake up without an alarm clock. I want to be in a big bed with lots of soft pillows that have nice, matching linen on them without any tears or stains. My dog will sleep by my feet or on his new dog bed that I have bought with my first paycheck from a new job working at a job that challenges me and uses my brain. I look forward to going to work, especially when I get to take business trips to other countries. My job is demanding, and often my duties vary depending on the project. I have to be able to buckle down and get things done under tight deadlines and that challenges me. I am rewarded through the aforementioned travel as well as through networking opportunities. I will secure a promising career track within the next 5 years. Although it will be a struggle to work up the ladder, it will be a great fit for my skill set and I will be valued in my position.

Daily exposure to art inspires my own artistic practice, and I eventually have my own studio where I build up a strong enough body of art to have a show. It may not be a huge show, but it will be an honor. My exhibit will come from a lot of hard work and perseverance, but its completion will be very satisfying to me.

I envision myself making enough money to sustain a moderate standard of living that will allow me to continue with extracurriculars (roller derby) for at least another five years. Within that time frame, I will pursue several side ventures including derby boot camp instruction in other countries as well as the business project that I am currently developing with a friend. This will not be my project entirely and I will own only a small part of the company, but that will not bother me and will be more of an amusement. It will obtain some success and become an investment to me. My derby relationships will remain extremely critical in pursuing career ventures, and it will be very important to forge new connections within my derby network as I get closer to hanging up my skates. My involvement with teaching derby boot camps will secure these friendships and enlarge my social circle exponentially worldwide.

My relationship with one particular man will develop slower than I would like, but with positive results. It will be his caution that becomes the glue of its stability, and over time we will grow to be great friends and companions. We may or may not have children, but we will definitely be happy. Having a stable companion will allow me to see past the false security of a nuclear family unit and put more value on a lasting bond. If we do have kids, it will probably only be one by birth and another by adoption. Marriage may or may not happen, but that won't ruin things.

Due to the industry that I will be working in and the industry of my partner, we will travel frequently. We will both be able to utilize time in these other countries to pursue personal interests and creativity as well as justify the trips for work-related reasons. We will work as a team to establish a strong system that allows us to get away with it. I look to this man as having more of the brains to the operation, where I will have more of the labor in making arrangements and finding places to stay.
There will be large portions of time where I will be away from my partner, but I will be so occupied with work duties and Roller Derby Boot Camp Trainings that it will work out harmoniously. Both of us will find happiness in our times apart from each other as well as a renewed sense of appreciation for one another in the other's absence. It will cause us to simultaneously enjoy the time away as well as find new reasons to be together.

I will outlive my partner, but there will be many things left behind that will survive him. Our offspring will be greatly inspired by his gifts. They will have my good looks and his brains. My family will be able to work out anything with time and patience. We will be loyal and loving. I will be satisfied in death by my accomplishments, and will complete a memoir of my life's ramblings upon my partner’s death. I may be writing it in his final years. It will include many stories of my travels and experiences as well as insight to what it is like to live as a post-modern woman in the body of a naughty 60's housewife. It will be well received and my greatest work.

Concentrating on the next year of my life will involve a move to a bigger city, then a move to an even bigger city within another 5 years.