Surrender

i must surrender
i must endlessly explode
pulse with the flame
that lights the candle
move with the wave
that pushes the sea

Bad Dog Mom

Let's take a little glimpse of the past few weeks in my world:

Work is incredibly chaotic, with waves of constituent concerns pouring in over the phone, email, and through the door. I am fielding all of them with mixed results whilst simultaneously trying to maintain my composure. As I calmly listen to a repeat-caller tell me about his need for a colon hydrotherapy bill to be heard by the committee, my partially deaf co-worker is handling bill collection and hearings procedures... and since he still thinks he's a lobbyist, he has a constant stream of people coming in to talk story or just hang out. Meanwhile, several different hearings are being broadcast on the overhead television and I'm trying to pay attention to when they go into recess so I can alert my Senator by text message that he must now wrap up his meeting in his office to go in for decision-making. I don't really know how it all works, but somehow by the end of the day I have merged three different schedules into an email itinerary for the next day, made calls to banks, the DOH and the DLNR about constituent issues, filed reports, collected signatures of Senators, and coordinated info briefings. If it seems like a lot, it is. Am I totally complaining? No. I really don't mind the work. In fact, I really like the controlled chaos. There is an artful finesse to balancing so many odd tasks and loose ends. When I finish compiling the schedule for the following day, I spend a good 10 minutes scouring through hearing notices and triple-checking schedules. Inevitably, I miss something. It happens. But you know... it's really satisfying to leave work knowing that I've managed to get almost all of the ducks in a row for the morning without too many casualties. I feel good about it.

Trying to get all of those ducks aligned in time to catch my carpool to derby practice has proved to be a tremendous challenge. Often I get to work thinking it will be a slow day, only to discover that something major is going to happen around 2pm that will make it impossible to leave my desk long enough to run down the hall and pee, and any chance of leaving before 630-7 is absolutely out of the question. I've only been able to coordinate seeing my dog on Saturdays. Work has completely consumed me.

I believe I may have taken on more than I can chew with derby this time around... NOT because I wasn't ready or equipped to handle the additional responsibility, but because I cannot handle it during this legislative session. I am crossing my fingers that no one starts complaining about my lack of league participation; tonight I worked an 11 hour day for the second day in a row. I missed league practice last night, a GM meeting for derby tonight. I know that's not good. I sense the silence of my co-chair and coach as being entirely related to my absence. But I can't change it right now... career comes first. Luckily I know that my coach recognizes my need to set down roots so that I can stick around past May. I don't think he would be as understanding were I a new recruit or a mediocre skater. I think he knows I'm trying to find the balance between work and play. I'll find it... I just need a little more time.

In addition to the work drama and the derby drama, I currently also have DOG drama. The couple that I've been paying to watch my dog while I work Session and live in a dog-free building had a major break-up last weekend. Consequently, the girl tried to commit suicide with an overdose, causing the guy to ship her on a plane back to her parents on the mainland. He then decided to move back to the mainland himself this weekend.
This obviously puts my dog and myself in a serious dilemma. Strangely enough (and I'm a bit put-off by it, but oh well), the girl placed a craigslist ad without telling me for a new foster situation for my dog... BEFORE the guy had told me he was leaving Hawaii in a week. I got an email response from a woman who is now watching my dog, as I discovered when I paid a visit that the dog wasn't receiving his meds. The poor pooch was covered in hives and sores, had a horrible ear infection, and bloody paws. Jesus. I was paying these people to watch him, when really, the guy had focused his attention elsewhere (and I am sympathetic to his stress, but come on). I think the couple were good with the dog until their personal life crumbled... but due to the circumstances, I yanked my dog out of the apartment and placed him immediately with random strangers that I had barely talked to. She and her disabled husband happen to be wonderful dog people and are taking extra good care of him now, but in light of the whole debacle, I have decided to fly my dog back to my parents. I can't handle any more drama involving that dog. I love him, but he's tricky and Hawaii is tricky to find accommodations that aren't in the heart of Kalihi. It's just too many strikes and not enough time to find a good setup.
So this random couple is helping me to get my dog to the vet tomorrow to get an updated health certificate so that I can fly him on the ONLY airline out of 10 that I called (all but 1 don't allow his breed anymore on any airline. Only Alaskan) back to MN to live with my parents. I think my mom and dad are excited to help and love him, but I feel a great amount of guilt for putting the responsibility of his care upon them.

I don't like admitting defeat. Right now, I have to stare it in the face.

I just can't handle the dog right now and give him the care and attention he deserves. Sadly for me, I know he will be happier back with my parents. After 7 years of dog care, I am a failed dog-mom. Surely this means I would be an unfit mother... aren't dogs the test-baby? Sigh.

This may be one of those regrets in life that I reflect back on in 10 years, but right now, I have to do it. I can't put him to the Humane Society because I know what will happen. I know my dog has red flags. I also know what he is capable of giving with his heart. With that in mind, I'm forking out the same amount it would cost to fly me to MN round trip, just to ensure that my furry son is safely back with a loving family that will give him the good life he deserves. I feel very fortunate to have such kick-ass parents right now. I also feel fortunate to have the support of my sister and brother, who know I'm busting my ass out here to try and make things work and are reaching out to let me know that they think my decision is okay.

Sometimes I DO have a lot of drama in my life. I know it's a lot at the moment. I just don't know if it's entirely my doing, is all.

Embracing Personal Sadness as a Path to Awakening

I had a particularly horrible day today. There are some inexplicable things that I allow to happen that I shouldn't, and often I suffer in my head for making mistakes. There is truth behind the old saying that we are, in fact, our own worst enemies. Even worse is that I am so incredibly embarrassed and ashamed of my decisions lately that I don't even want to air my grievances with my closest friends. Everyone has their own coping mechanisms to pacify themselves through rough days, and when the going gets tough, I turn to Ben & Jerry's "Cherry Garcia," or peanut butter M&M's.

Today I bought both before coming home.

I also did some things for myself that are less about guilty secret eating; I took a bath to center myself. Then, I turned to spiritual guidance like millions upon billions of people worldwide. It is the spiritual path that reminds us about the purpose of life's daily struggles and the meaning we might grasp even in our darkest hours. It's no secret that I relate best to Buddhist teachings; often it is Pema Chodron's lessons about inner stillness, living in the present, and enlightenment through suffering that keep me in life's good fight. I stumbled upon a blog that had this article.

Here is one of the most relevant comments in the article summarizing my struggle today:

"The futility of life, as we have been living it, is not the fault of our upbringing; we cannot blame it on society or the insufficiency of religion. Truly relating to our personal suffering means that out of all the assholes we have met, we are, perhaps, the biggest; out of all the bullies we have faced, no one, other than the one we created, so ruthlessly suppressed that silent voice of authenticity that always asked us to be true to our Self. Second, it puts us in a very compromising position. We are forced to learn to love ourselves, even the part of us we hate for having created this terrifying situation."

I honestly don't know why I choose such difficult paths in my life-and why I find the safe routes to be inaccessible-but I do. Again and again, I choose challenging life partners, occupations that don't quite mesh with my skill sets/personality, and social situations that start to unravel at the seams after a few short months. Of course I have friends and lovers, enjoy work from time to time and smile often... but these dark days, the ones that leave a void inside of me and cause me to question my judgement, sanity, decision-making, mental capacity and overall well-being, are so rattling that I actually daydream wild fantasies about walking right out of my life and disappearing into the abyss.
Of course, I have far too much love and respect for my family and friends to intentionally disappear off the face of the earth, but isn't it startling to have such an idea enter my head in the middle of a difficult situation? Why do I have a fleeing mentality to just pick up and go?

I've never been a quitter, but boy does my abusive bully of an alter-ego make me want to give up sometimes. I want to hide from the world in my room and eat ice cream, or just walk away from everything and start over. It's very difficult to face the disappointments of not fulfilling our personal expectations. Even harder, the recurring thoughts of failure and anger that I feel towards myself when I make bad errors in judgement/in action. I don't like to let people down. I also don't like to let myself down. Life is hard, and some days are a huge struggle for survival. It amazes me that even though my basic needs are now in order, I am drowning in feelings of inadequacy and personal disappointment. I would like to think that I deserve happiness and a loving relationship with someone who will comfort me in times of great distress and life tests, but I have not arrived. I am disappointed in myself. I am trying really hard to accept the anger I feel inside without blaming other people, and trying equally hard to accept that I have painted myself into this corner to learn something.

Oh my goodness.
It really sucks to own up to our own doing.

Because That's What Happens

So I'm settling in my new job, getting used to the rolling waves of chaos, when.... BAM!! Road blocks. All over my fucking road.

Big ones.

One of my favorite derby girls in the whole wide world ends up in the Intensive Care Unit with no warning in a losing battle with septic pneumonia and MRSA, fighting for her life...

The office manager who had a premature baby 8 months ago is finally able to bring her son home from the NICU and takes maternity leave...

and before those two upheavals, I am throned as co-chair of the Athletics committee and simultaneously voted in as co-captain of my home team. 200+ emails flood my inbox relating to topics and documents...

I am feeling like I need a brush-up course on how to swim...

Now, I've heard of life throwing us challenges when it thinks we are prepared to cope with them, but COME ON. Did it all have to happen in 2 weeks time? I'm trying really hard not to freak out, but damn. I worked a super long day today and had to miss my own committee meeting, and yesterday I coordinated a food run to the hospital via text for my friend's boyfriend in-between hunting Senators to sign bills (they're like endangered species you know... elusive, protected, and super crafty).
I've heard of multi-tasking, I vaguely remember multi-tasking in college, and I've always thought myself perfectly capable of doing so. But this definitely ups the ante for me. Now I care. Now I have to do good work. This is not a situation I am allowed to fail or coast through. I am challenged in work, challenged in derby, and challenged when I go home each night. I certainly bit off a large chunk of reality, but I am learning a ton! I used to wonder how people could function on very little sleep. Now I am one of them... fueling up on coffee whenever possible, taking sleeping pills at night to keep from waking up in a panic every half hour.

It's not that my job responsibilities are too hard, it's that there are so many. I am now doing the job that was set out for me to do PLUS the job of the Office Manager, and doing a bang-up job, I might add ;) So far, no appointments have been double-booked or forgotten, and all errors have been corrected with very little disturbance. I think I am harder on myself than anyone in my office is on me. I get mad when I fuck up. The silliest thing is that these "fuck-ups" aren't really me screwing things up as much as they are holes in my training. It would be impossible to know every detail of the office process in only a few weeks time, let alone run the entire circus flawlessly. The office manager has been waiting a long time to take her maternity leave and enjoy her baby boy, and even though the timing couldn't have been worse, THAT'S LIFE.

Is the timing bad for me to be going through such a tumultuous shift in duties and responsibilities? Oh, hell no. It's perfect. Into the fire with me! I've certainly been flying by the seat of my pants long enough to figure it all out as I go. Right?

New New New Year!

So here I am, back in the big city! I am living on the 16th floor in a kick ass apartment on the edge of Chinatown, adjusting to posh living. Oscar the wonderdog is tucked away in the Kalihi ghetto; I found two really awesome and extremely loving people off of craigslist who just wanted someone's dog to snuggle with until their own dogs get out of quarantine. He's really quite happy with them, and he is undergoing triathalon training regimens every morning. I'm sure I will notice his shrinking waistline a lot faster than I will my own. Oscar is adjusting much better than I am, I'm afraid.

At the risk of sounding like I'm complaining, I'm in a little bit of misery at the moment (wait... let me explain. I'm still ridiculously content).

Stripped from my dog-walking routine and normal grind of activities, I'm a bit discombobulated. Yesterday I walked for 7 miles around the city aimlessly, just trying to get accustomed to the new sights and sounds and smells... So much change to all of my senses! I ate a gyro in the food court of a mall with about 500 people, and lucky me was picked out by a creative homeless guy who claimed to be writing a book on his experience with homelessness. Amused and alone, I entertained the conversation and heard all about his Atheist approach to life including the rejection of organized success within education. He went to Boston U, you know... but his parents in Manila disowned him when he decided to research homelessness by in fact BECOMING homeless in Honolulu instead of pursuing an MBA as they wished (he calls it research). "James" told me all about his theory that whether or not a person would be willing to freely give $200+ to a homeless person without expecting it to be repaid was tied to religious beliefs. He raised my eyebrows when he then went on in detail about how people are more willing to give up sex freely to a complete stranger (a one-night stand) than they would be to give money to a stranger-knows this first hand-and that this seems to have nothing to do with religious affiliation. As entertaining as the conversation was, I had had enough after 20 minutes and was able to politely excuse myself after telling him I would consider mailing him $200 to his local Waikiki P.O. Box. Yes, I will consider it (consideration does not make a commitment). He is counting on my belief in karmic output, I think... but he doesn't seem to realize that money is closely knit to trust-and I had no reason to trust anything he told me was even true. I wouldn't even borrow some of my friends $200, let alone give it away to a stranger for no reason whatsoever. Well, enough about homeless swindlers. Lets think about changes.

Some changes are good, some of them not good. I'm finding that my perceptions-and consequently the realistic version of events-doesn't play out the way you want every time. Rarely, ANY time. It's always different than you thought it would be.

That has definitely been my experience with relationships, and this one is no different. I'm now living with this strange man that I adore, but I think we both feel a great amount of stress from the risks that we are both taking by allowing each other into close proximity. It is hard to trust when you have been stripped of your naivety through abusers and users, and this causes me to view all new relationships as both perilous and somewhat scary. So you know... I'm struggling with the growing pains of adjustment in home life followed by how other new events in my life affecting all of that on top when I get home. Add in "that time of the month." This seems to be my personal Molotov cocktail. I've been pacifying my emotional rollercoaster with naughty food, but what I think will really do the trick is when I get back on the roller skates this weekend at the annual derby tournament. Despite not having practiced in weeks, I think that outlet will be the remedy to all of my problems. If I am disillusioned into believing that roller derby will save me, let me continue to believe. Here I am in this amazing city with all of these glorious opportunities glittering like gold, and I'm ragefully PMSing. Thank goodness for contact sports!

Today's work day was so distracting that I didn't even think of my dog until I got home, and it was really cool to walk around the capitol and settle in a bit. I know that this will be a great challenge for me and I'm stoked about it. Hopefully the relationship will turn into a prize worth fighting for... but what my dating history tells me is that caution is a virtue... right next to trust and patience. So yet again I apply my continued studies in Buddhist philosophy, letting go to just be.

You Have To Jump In Order To Fly

My life for the past few years has been much like a washing machine on the "Industrial" setting. I have cleansed and purged repeatedly, with new mud surfacing shortly after I thought I removed all my stains. It is the cycle of life, a cataclysmic stormfront of shifting winds and unpredictable weather. I am proud to say I'm surviving, but sometimes I lie awake late at night listening to my heart beat, surprised it still is. Everyone has trials in their existence-I just chose a hard path. I love the adventure of risk, the change of scenery, the new friendships forged, the feeling of accomplishment when the gears of daily life start turning smoothly. I also hate the disappointment of squeaky dysfunction when I am barraged with bad events... like a motorcycle accident, a lost job, tire bursting, a month-delayed paycheck. This life of adventure is hard work. I wouldn't prefer a simple life free of stress, as that would involve no change and no adventure... but a little less misfortune would be fabulous.

In a brief synopsis of 2010: I started the year on bedrest in a miserable state after a motorcycle collision, lost my job because of it, recovered fully, worked multiple jobs, renewed my vows to roller derby after near-retirement, guest-coached in Australia, and am now leaving Kauai back to Oahu in order to try a new set of calculated risks.

I have endured pain, uncertainty, forced poverty, and hard luck. I have lived off of food stamps and government insurance coverage, scraping together hours between nonprofits for good causes and vacation rental cleaning gigs. I have swallowed my pride to do whatever it took to make my desires reality, hawking home baked cookies to strangers out of a Walmart bag in order to fund my derby dream of Rollercon.

I silently worked on my patience and compassion as I partnered up with an elderly co-worker who feared projects not involving kit instructions. Life is not just my challenge, but the challenges of others, as well. My journey helps others in their journeys. Hopefully what I have contributed to the derby league on this island will set a stronger foundation for a lasting league, one fed continuously through concentration on new recruitment and skills testing to decrease injuries. All one can do is hope that their contributions are good ones, welcomed and loved for their intention and their positivity. I hope that I wasn't seen as a negative curmudgeon by all of the people I came across on Kauai, but the feeling persists due to how my year started. One of the hardest lessons in life is to attempt positivity in the face of adversity, choosing to live fully and through doing instead of shrinking back in fear and discouragement. It was a tough run. This island is beautiful and rugged, and awfully hard to find work on.

I also took on an unpaid mural project for a friend of a friend to prove to myself that I still had some sort of artistic blood within me that hasn't shriveled up from the crafting projects of my day job (I am just now finishing it). The mural started slowly and I did plenty of procrastinating, but I believe I will be proud of it in the end... which to me is a big deal. It isn't just a school logo anymore... it's my own design and proof that I still have tools in my toolbox. It is my art therapy.

Oscar the dog will be neatly packed once more into a crate for our next Oahu adventure. I will take my calculated risk as a Legislative Aide for a wonderful senator. I am moving in with my boyfriend. I am riddled with nerves and insecurities, but the only way to know whether it will work is to try. We all have our problems and our demons, and so it goes. I will make the move and rely on my positive (yet cautious) attitude, believing that this is the journey that I am meant to explore. Life is one big adventure, and I continue to leap into the darkness with joy.

Garden

Garden

Lying in the grass wet with dew
Lusty scented earth
Cold beneath my weight
Morning sun stretching its legs,
blanketing my body
Warm, like your touch
when your hands slide down my side,
resting on my hip
The weight of your thoughts is the weight of your hand
Your life heavy in my ear
Each caress like a kiss
I am yearning for your love
You feed me morsels of words and embraces
But in between
I am a desert that used to be a garden, waiting for the rain
The hush of the wind is my patience

Don’t hurry, dear,
but do come home.