New Year. Good Grief, I'm Glad.

So... 2014 was not a good year for me. I will say that there were some highlights, and I will positively list them first:

• Successfully did not get fired from my job
• Checked "See a live Volcano" off my bucket list
• Visited my family in Minnesota/Traveled
• Helped with my brother's film production doing character makeup, and was an extra in, Underland II, The Rise of Grout
• Helped with my sister-in-law's Yoga Calm camp, and took a 1 week workshop towards being certified as a Yoga Calm instructor
• Conducted two successful 3-month long fresh-meat derby new girl boot camps to help secure the future of my league
• Volunteered for the first time as a Voting Official at my precinct on election day
• Led Team Hawaii as Captain into battle at the first annual State Wars Roller Derby Tournament in Daytona, Florida
• Successfully trained for and completed my first full marathon--the Honolulu Marathon

This year, something horrible happened to me in May that is actually too personal and heartbreaking to even talk about, and it will challenge me for years to come-maybe for the rest of my lifetime. I am working hard with a therapist on this setback, to change this horrific event into just that... an event...instead of something that defines me. With this event came some trials of friendships, and the losses of those friendships that were not truly friends to begin with. You really learn who your friends are when you need them most and finally lean back. If they are there for you, they are your friends. If they are not, they were never friends, I guess. Some of those people were steadfast and helped me out a lot. I am very grateful to those people. I don't know if there is a way to repay them, so hopefully I will be able to pay it forward to someone else if I am never able to give back to them individually in some way.

Loss, in many ways, in 2014. Loss of a great college friend to cancer, loss of my dignity, loss of "friendships." But with loss comes room for growth, and I am learning all the time.

I didn't party on New Year's this time. I couldn't wait for it to be over. I cried and was miserable in my pity party for a few hours until I forced myself to get up, put on my dragon pajamas, and drink a few gin and tonics. Because New Year's eve comes and goes, and that bad year is gone and has opened up a new space for new beginnings. Cheers to new beginnings, universe.

When There is Sadness, There Are Song Lyrics

Fucking cancer. I just hate it. I hate that it stole away everything he had, and left everyone he knew with so much heartache. My heart burns with love and sadness from all of the memories I have to try to save forever, never realizing how valuable they would be. They are all I have of him now. I didn't know how important it would be to play on his indoor soccer team every season or I would've done it more than once. I didn't know how lucky I was to be invited to all of his parties or I would've gone to all of them. If I had known his life would be so short, I wouldn't have pissed away so many of our plans. I'm angry at myself for not paying better attention. Do we all feel that way about people after they have died? I'm afraid of everything else I have missed in life from all of the other people I care about. Will I regret missing everything else, too? I'm sorry for everything I have missed. I can't take it back. I wish I could have been there more. Or maybe I couldn't possibly have been there more, and I need to accept that.

Today it was the band Bastille that rocked my world, dried my tears long enough to go back to work, and helped me see perspective and light when I learned Aaron had died. It was the only thing that made me feel better.

Bastille
Weight of Living, Pt. II: All This Bad Blood

I can't say the words aloud
so in rhyme I wrote you down
now you'll live through the ages
I can feel your pulse in the pages
I have written you down now
and all the world will read you
I have written you down now
you will live forever
in eyes not yet created
on tongues that are not born
you will live forever
forever

Tears on my Keyboard this morning

Roughly ten years ago, we were going to music festivals together and making out in a tent. He was devastatingly handsome and I was not sure I was worthy.

We met through a college friend (that I still think is awesome, surprisingly) and the three of us had wild and sporratic adventures that were never much planned but always fun. We had stupid fun, with childish trips to ValleyScare and XFest, house parties and late night sprinkler runs. Even when he got a steady pain-in-the-ass girlfriend and started needing more relationship advice and meaningful talks about life than a drinking buddy, he remained in good humor. We connected. We took our dogs to obedience school together and they almost got expelled (actually, his was a dropout). We were real friends, the kind of friend where when you see each other again after years have passed, you're still at ease and nothing has affected that bond. He made me believe that we didn't have to grow up.

Except now we do have to grow up, because he's dying from the brain tumor that is killing him, the one that knocked him in his ass 3 years ago and stole everything. He squeezed as much as he could out of those last few years; he immediately married a pretty awesome lady and had a son, and did what he could to make sure he was fighting like hell. But Cancer is Cancer. 35 is way too early to say goodbye and leave the party. 35 is still the age of weddings and babies and astronomical mortgages, of career changes and waking up to politics, of a few failed relationships, class reunions, or maybe some crazy adventures to cool countries. It's the peak before the decline.

Aaron, you're the one that got away.

Life is a gift, albeit brief. Cancer can be a love story if it is done with strength and weathered by two people who have enough faith in what is within them and beyond them. Here is their story. I hope seeing the documentary when it is completed helps to bring me closure. Right now I can't find any in the middle of the Pacific Ocean.

When Cancer is a Love Story

The Circle

I've written this same paragraph before. I'm trying to write this one with intent and staying power.


I dated a guy on and off for 6 years. We finally ended it, and I've been single for about a year. I tried dating a few times on the "breaks" from him, but it never lasted long. I guess the real problem was the emotional abuse. Now that I know what was happening and I'm getting a ton of therapy, I recognize it. When you're in it, it's a lot harder to realize what's going on and why you feel so bad about yourself all the time. It's really tough, especially in our age range when most of our friends are married off with families and you're back to square one if you end things with whoever you're seeing... And so you stay, thinking it might get better if you try to communicate better or avoid certain topics, try harder to please your partner, stay away from the land mines.The more I read about this stuff, the more I understand that part of the reason for staying in that relationship all those years was what is called relationship investment... years "vested" into a particular person. But clearly it wasn't a great investment... I just kept thinking that he would come around and want to settle down, have a family, etc. 

Wrong. Clearly. 

Again the optimist, seeing only the good and ignoring all of the red flags that indicated he was not the type of guy I was looking for. It's really hard to let go and walk away, especially when you love the person and genuinely want them to also be happy. 

Only age and wisdom allows you to understand that sometimes the biggest way to show someone you love them is to say goodbye, and good luck, and I won't try to make you be who you are not.

I bought the moped to replace a broken heart and a failed relationship. I named her FREEDOM.

Defeat Before the Gun

So... this weekend was supposed to be my first attempt at a 1/2 marathon. I failed.

After a 3-week chest cold that took the wind out of my sails, I kept my determination in place to run it... but on Thursday night my health dictated otherwise. Three solid days of migraines left me bedridden and dehydrated, so I followed a good friend's advise and didn't go to the race. My heart wanted to, but my body did not. I will look at this as a lesson in listening to my body and not pushing beyond sanity. I will never finish a marathon if I don't ensure my physical soundness.

I hate having to quit or admit defeat, but life goes on. I will train now for the 1/2 marathon in Kauai on August 31st and pretend this was just a minor setback.

Honolulu Marathon countdown: 243 days

After the Storm Comes... Sunshine

I haven't written in a few months due to things in life that I needed to tend to, mainly my sanity.

After my boss quit, the secretary quit, and I quit chasing a man that was never going to be emotionally available, I hit the lows. Anxiety to the extreme and a heavy dose of depression. Life was bad. My days were bad. Stress was a key component of every work day. Even derby was irritating and riddled with drama! I couldn't seem to escape the negativity all around me.

But the sun rises, sets, rises again.

And months later, I am still alive. Things are slowly getting better. I don't want to lie in bed in the dark on my off days, and I've even cleaned my house a few times and done my laundry on occasion. All in all, I am functioning like a normal human being. I have made progress with my therapy sessions and I have come to the end of my 5-year plan that I had set out to accomplish waaaaaaay back in Minnesota. Now I must set the goals for my next 5 years! This brings me to my 5-yr plan list, in no particular order.

1) Buy a moped.

Walking around the city and taking the bus everywhere has it's charm, but I'm hella tired of lugging groceries home by foot or by transit. It's lame and inconvenient. I got a big tax return check and plan to rectify this daily inconvenience.

I would like this.

I can afford this.

2) Do something else.

Today, as a matter of fact, I had my informational interview with the Mark Takai for Congress campaign and will be starting in with them to assist with fieldwork operations starting on April 1st. I need to do something that has me meeting people (particularly men) that does not involve a society of stinky women or snobby art workers. Time to kick it up a notch and begin the long road to...


3) Run for public office.


Being a curator in the arts is cool and all, but not when you deal with aggravating state co-workers on a daily basis. I love art and love portions of my position, but let's face it... I'm just not anal retentive enough to catch all the details involved with museum work. The parts where I am in the community servicing public sites and nominating art for purchase are amazing and I love them. The actual museum part I want to stop doing as soon as possible. I can easily find a better way to help out the arts in this State than working my current position. I am good at being a public servant, have campaign volunteer experience, and I think I could do a lot of good for this State on multiple platforms. Step one is learning about campaigns and learning Honolulu's districts and major running issues. Step two is research. These will lead to step three: running for office.

4) Run a marathon.

As I've already disclosed in a previous post, I've signed up to run the Honolulu Marathon next fall. I am still on track and training. I've had a little bit of a knee issue lately, but can regularly run 6 miles and have already completed a 10 mile race and an 8 mile race. Next up is the Hapalua in April, a 1/2 marathon on the same course as the full. Stoked to be getting into this sport I never thought I would like! Sometimes I surprise myself. I need better shoes, though, and soon.

5) Clean up my diet.

I am still eating garbage on occasion and could definitely afford to clean things up. Easier said than done. I think I still have some self-loathing tendencies that need to be worked out and will continue to work on this in therapy.

6) Find a better boyfriend, or at least date better men.

I'm done with being shit on regularly and putting up with way more abuse than I should ever tolerate. Selfish, egotistical, emotionally unavailable men are no longer on the menu. I've been searching on several online dating sites, but it could take a while. I have some great stories about this and will save them for a later blog post!

Just one of many awesome first emails.

7) Volunteer. Give back in some capacity.

There are many beautiful things that have gone my way in life, and many things I miss that I still had. One is my dog. A way to remedy the hole in my heart is to volunteer at the Humane Society of Honolulu! I have signed up and will do my orientation training on April 19th to become an animal massage therapist and behavioral trainer. I am beyond stoked. Going to the dog parks with my good friend and her dog has been therapeutic, but this way I can help out a bunch of animals that are in distress. I am really looking forward to this.


8) Get married in the next 5 years, and have a baby.

I think it's a reasonable goal to set for the next 5 years. Marriage may not be necessary, but why not make it be in the goal? I'm not doing that shit alone on purpose! lol
Life is short, the clock is ticking. I am looking into freezing my eggs. Sounds pretty Star Trekish, but I'm being realistic: at 36, I'm just now looking (in a healthy mindset) for a life mate that will want to have a child together. It will likely take a few years to do so, and I need to preserve my eggs while they're still in good shape. Hopefully my future husband is a doctor or makes more money than me, because I'm growing weary of living in a small closet-sized apartment.


9) See Nepal, India, Cambodia, Thailand, or all of them.

This is sort of a continuation of my last 5 year plan goals; my travel plans didn't really pan out. Although I saw parts of Australia and 4 islands of Hawaii, I haven't made it to the East as I intended. I will have to work on making this happen. These are my friend's photos... I would like to take my own.

 

10) Figure out what to do about Derby.

I have been playing derby for 8 years now, and my joints are starting to protest. I need to figure out how to transition out of playing into more of a coaching/instruction capacity. The problem is that I still love playing so much! I am taking on a lot of responsibility for our league right now and am heavily invested. I just don't know how to get out. This is where list item number 7 comes in... the ultimate derby injury. Muahahaha!




Okay, so that's 10 list items to accomplish in the next 5 years. Ambitious, rewarding, and ultimately character building. I am already getting a start on them and look forward to seeing how things unravel :) One thing I have learned in life is that things rarely go as planned.

Hold Fast, the Storm is Here!

My career is crazy. My boss resigned due to conpiracy over copyright infringement and an astounded Hawaiian community that took offense to her role within our organization. As she makes her way out (slowly, to burn up her sick leave time), she is meeting with news reporters to slander our organization and misdirect the blame back onto our agency and its employees. It has been an extremely turbulent year at the foundation, and I am amazed at how much commotion has been stirred up since I started. I am lying low and hoping to salvage what I can during this time, and luckily the employees here are coming together in unity to uphold the integrity of the organization. I've never experienced anything like this before. I don't like reporters calling me at work. Pretty wild! Haha

My new singledom is slowly starting to get a little easier, thanks to therapy and a new exercise routine; I have been running every other day for several weeks now, starting it off with a bang by running a Thanksgiving 10 miler without training. Ouch! Since I somehow managed to finish that one, I figured it was as good of a time as ever to make it happen for myself and build on that momentum. I'm on an 8 week program that will steadily increase my distance and speed capacity through steady and interval training workouts. By the end of the 8 weeks, I should be able to swiftly handle 1-hour runs and be a more comfortably fit. The stress of life in all of its many forms have really gotten a hold of me, and I am to the point where I must fight back.

Being single feels similar to what it felt like to be in a relationship with the Writer, since I have the same routine minus spending time with him after work. Since he isn't friends with my social circle and we don't work together, his absence in my life comes mostly at night in the dark loneliness of my apartment. Bunnies are not snuggly like dogs and cats, so I've been making Christmas ornaments and watching copious amounts of Law & Order. I try to get out and do fun stuff on the weekends and reach out to friends when the loneliness feels overwhelming. Somehow it is hard to accept that we are truly in this life as individuals and must be comfortable with just ourselves...somewhere along the way I was led to believe that I must have a partner to weather the storm of dark days, and that independence was only acceptable until age 30. As I have watched all of my girlfriends marry off and spawn, I wonder what fate has in store for me in the next few years. I wonder if being a single mother is a silly idea to entertain, and if I am instead meant to adopt 4 dogs and live in this tiny 500-sq ft apartment until my retirement years, or if better things are in store for me.

Perhaps we are all dissatisfied to a certain degree with the cards we have been dealt, and life is more importantly about humbling ourselves to accept that in which we are lucky enough to get. I have 1st world problems in relation to what others in the world face on a daily basis, and I try to ground myself in that whenever I can remember to.

On my living room buffet, I have a statue of the buddha sitting under a silver tinsel tree with blue ornaments. I am a walking contradiction of life experiences and beliefs. I am me (I am by myself), but I am surviving. I need to concentrate on day to day but also start working on what is down the road, as time ticks on, never ending. A race against the clock could possibly be more of a challenge than a race of miles to run, so at this point training for a Marathon doesn't seem too out of reach.